The holiday season is a time to shine — a time to wrap tinsel around everything that doesn't move, and even some things that do. Essayist Diane Roberts reports from down South.
You've trimmed the tree, covered the shrubbery in colored lights, fastened a candy-cane collar around the dog's neck and donned the fun cardigan with the red-and-green sequined Santa bears. But have you remembered to decorate the truck?
In these parts, you see a lot of wreaths on the fronts of Dodge Rams. The wreaths are mostly fake, though I've also seen real holly wired to the brush guard of an F-150. Some people stick to tasteful greenery or red velvet bows, but I say if you're going to pimp your ride for Christmas, go whole hog.
Got some antlers? Stick them above the windshield, spray-paint one of those Nerf basketballs bright red and tie it onto your grille for an awesome Rudolph look. I saw a Durango done up like that in the mall parking lot just last week. Out on U.S. 98, there was a Toyota Tundra with a Nativity scene glued to the top of the cab. Just Mary, Joseph and the baby in the manger — no angels, no shepherds, no kings, no camels. The guy was going about 70 mph. I waited to see if Jesus would fly off, but he didn't.
If you need some ideas, there are websites to help you fancy up your vehicle for Christmas. One suggests parking a giant blow-up snowman in the back of your pickup — just make sure you can see out the rearview mirror. How about tying ribbons to the antenna or spraying that fake snow stuff on the bottoms of your windows? That's a nice thing for down here, where it doesn't snow.
Another website offers a list of possibilities for decorating your Class 8 truck. Class 8s are those huge, long-haul rigs that often have naked-lady mud flaps, though for Christmas maybe the naked ladies could wear Santa hats.
My personal prize for the prettiest truck goes to a big old Silverado with icicle lights running around the bed, up over the windows and down the hood. Seems like you can take the plugs off a regular string of lights and hook them up to your battery. I can tell you that late on a cold, clear night, out on a country road, that truck blazed like the Star of Bethlehem — if you can imagine the Star of Bethlehem barreling south down a state highway.