Ask Amy: How Do I Handle Awkward Party Guests?

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NEAL CONAN, host:

At some point this holiday season, some of us will share a roof or a table with that person: your brother's girlfriend, a stepparent, the cousin you haven't spoken with since the late '90s. While we love and tolerate our next of kin and extended family, there are those whose presence makes congregating around the eggnog bowl awkward. But they still expect an invitation to the holiday party or the Christmas dinner.

We'll check in with Amy Dickinson, who writes the syndicated "Ask Amy" column for the Chicago Tribune. And if you have a problem guest, tell us your story. Our phone number, 800-989-8255. Email us: talk@npr.org. And you can join the conversation at our website, npr.org. Click on TALK OF THE NATION.

Amy Dickinson joins us now from the studios at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York. Amy, welcome back. We hope it's properly Christmassy up there in New York State.

Ms. AMY DICKINSON (Columnist, "Ask Amy," Chicago Tribune): It is totally and thoroughly Christmassy. Thank you.

CONAN: And we're going to begin with one of Amy's letters. Dear, Amy: For the umpteenth straight year, I find myself dreading our family's holiday get-together. I normally spend Christmas morning with my mother, who is divorced from my father. After several years of being single, my father remarried. He brings my stepmother to my grandparents' house for the afternoon.

I am an adult and almost never see her except for this time. I bear them no ill will, but I just find it incredibly uncomfortable to go from one parent to the other like this in the course of a day. My stepmother is a nice enough person, but she's made some references to my mother I don't like. She and I don't have anything in common. I dread being in her presence, even for a short time. What do you suggest, Amy? What do you suggest?

Ms. DICKINSON: Oh, this is terrible. The thing we all need to remember is that we can't dictate who somebody else invites to their home. This is the toughest part. So what you have to do is try to develop strategies, since you can't say to your relatives if - you know, you can't invite my stepmother. You can't say that. So what you have to do is try to develop a strategy for what you will do on the day. And sometimes it has - the only way to get through it is to know that you will keep things fairly brief.

Another way to get through it is to know that you will be busy with other things. You know, there are just very sort of common sense strategies to try, instead of confront to try and avoid.

Obviously, I do feel that if someone is badmouthing your own mother...

CONAN: Mm-hmm.

Ms. DICKINSON: ...that you do get to say and you probably should say, you know, I'd prefer it if you didn't talk that way about my mom, you know. I mean, you know, you have to stand up for yourself. But I do think it's wise to avoid confrontations on the holidays. It's a very loaded time for people. And it's no time to try and have a good fight. It's just not the right time for that.

CONAN: At a party, you can avoid the cousin you don't like. But if it's you, your father and your stepmother...

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: ...there's a problem.

Ms. DICKINSON: I know. And actually, you know, one thing I've done in my own life when I faced awkward situations is to actually - I'm a big believer in practicing and rehearsing. I know it doesn't sound like that. People who know me think...

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DICKINSON: ...this can't possibly be rehearsed. But, you know, even to the extent of really sitting down and thinking and drawing up a list of topics that may divert the conversation away from something that you don't want to talk about.

You know, I'm a big fan of the, sort of, drawing room, English, British dramas. And, you know, you could have 30 of, you know, sworn enemies in the same room and people would - they'd just say, more tea, dear? You know, you just practice ways to sort of divert and digress.

CONAN: And locate...

Ms. DICKINSON: It's one way to do it.

CONAN: Maybe locate some neutral topics that - how about those Saints? They did pretty well, right?

Ms. DICKINSON: Listen, absolutely. Or even - I mean, this is a trick. You know what the other person is interested in that doesn't have anything to do with you, and you say: How is your African violet collection? You know, that way, you're introducing a topic you know the person will talk about that does not involve you. You're going on to a territory that you know will engage them, and then you're done.

CONAN: Let's see if we can get some callers in on the conversation. 800-989-8255. Email: talk@npr.org. Let's see if we can begin with Rosie, Rosie with us from Charlotte.

ROSIE (Caller): Hello. I love your show, by the way.

CONAN: Thank you.

ROSIE: The reason I called is I have a mother-in-law, as we all do, who apparently doesn't really care to be around us during the holidays. And it's really hard for me - we're invited this time to go see them. Really hard for me to feign enthusiasm to seeing her, although I tried for my children, but it's kind of hard. And I really don't know how to keep from irritating my husband with my lack of genuine feelings for her.

CONAN: And so, what happens when you do visit?

ROSIE: Apparently, I'm rather cold...

(Soundbite of laughter)

ROSIE: ...which over - most people would say otherwise. But apparently, I'm very civil. And in the South, that's not a good thing. I'm polite, but I wouldn't say I'm overly enthusiastic to seeing her. So civility is not a big - it's not a good thing in the South.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DICKINSON: I totally know what you're saying. There is a point where politeness does seem cold. And I could understand how your politeness or your attempt to be neutral actually seems cold. I could see that. So what do you think you could do?

ROSIE: So I have tried to do that - how to get over there - well, there's genuine dislike of her, anyway. But I'm trying - for the sake of my children, I'm trying to figure out what I need to do this year that's different, and especially for my husband, because he certainly doesn't want to get caught in the middle of it.

CONAN: No, nobody wants to get caught in the middle. Is there something that she is deeply engaged in, the, you know, the Rotary Club or something?

ROSIE: Honestly, no. She's a retiree, and there - we really have nothing, absolutely nothing in common.

Ms. DICKINSON: Okay, I have an idea. I have an idea. What you have in common are your family members. So what about sitting down with her with a family photo album and asking her to tell you about the people in the photographs? Is that something that you could imagine doing?

ROSIE: Not really, because, unfortunately, she's a step. She's a stepparent.

Ms. DICKINSON: Mm-hmm.

CONAN: Mm-hmm.

Ms. DICKINSON: Uh-huh.

ROSIE: So she's already - I believe she feels a little separated, anyway. But most of that, I believe, is her doing. So I just can't quite figure out how to manage that little zone that we've managed to develop for ourselves.

Ms. DICKINSON: Well, honestly, I would really suggest trying to find something, a very small thing that you two could do together where you could tolerate it, and it might make - it actually could create a whole new thing. Whether you went out for coffee, whether you said to her, you know what? I have one more thing I need to get the kids. Can you come with me? You know...

ROSIE: But that's...

Ms. DICKINSON: ...I mean, it's a stretch.

ROSIE: I see that. It would probably be possible if they weren't -again, we're both actually coming in from two separate parts, going into the middle person - family members. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Ms. DICKINSON: I do. Yeah.

ROSIE: Geographically, we're going into the (unintelligible). So we're nowhere near each other, for the most part. But it's just that, you know, that family gathering where we're all going to be together. And then there's, generally, the - again, my politeness goes - falls flat, according to my husband. And I can't seem to muster it to go that extra mile for her.

CONAN: Well, Rosie, the only thing I could suggest is to stay away from the punch bowl.

(Soundbite of laughter)

ROSIE: Well, if I actually had a little tequila, I might actually be better off...

CONAN: Well...

ROSIE: ...and I might be a little bit friendlier.

CONAN: That's a dangerous step.

(Soundbite of laughter)

ROSIE: Well, anyway, you have a lovely holiday.

CONAN: You, too. Let's see if we can go next to - this is Dan, and Dan is with us from Mishawaka in Indiana.

DAN (CALLER): Yes. I'd just like to reveal that without a shadow of a doubt, I am the annoying, weird uncle/relative that appears at the holiday parties.

CONAN: And what do you do that makes you so annoying?

(Soundbite of laughter)

DAN: Well, I can't tolerate small talk. And people talk about the weather and, you know, the sports - which, for me, lasts about 10 seconds, 30 seconds. Then I ask people, go around the table and reveal something, you know, meaningful, introspective: your best day, your favorite movie. If you could only have one thing on a deserted island for the rest of your life, what would that object be? And everyone - I can hear people sighing. They're frustrated, because they just want to -they don't want to think. But to me, that's where things get interesting.

Ms. DICKINSON: Well, Dan, I totally agree with you. And actually, they might roll their eyes a little less if you presented it not as your personal idea for how to make things personally interesting to you, but as a game. I recently had a really fun night with dozens of people where we played different group games, and it was really, really fun. There are a lot of games available where you can have, like conversation cards, and you pass them around, and, you know, very, very simple group games that promote the kind of conversation that you really want to have. And I love your idea.

But I can imagine that if it seems imposed, and it's like Dan has now decided that he's had enough of small talk, and so he - you know, you can't do it like that. But it could be different if you all played a game together.

DAN: Maybe with a little diplomacy, or eased into it a little more graciously.

Ms. DICKINSON: Absolutely. Absolutely. Dan, you don't sound all that annoying to me. So - and you - most importantly, you're a guy that wants to - you're trying, and I love that.

DAN: Well, thank you. And one of the techniques is I want - I have everyone say their full name, and then reveal whatever the answer is. And people say, why do I have to do that? That's silly. Well, just recently, at my family members - and some of them have been around, you know, known each other for years, have been married for years - said I had no idea your middle name was - or no. I have no idea your first name was Harrison or (unintelligible). And everyone...

CONAN: If my first name is Harrison, I wouldn't reveal it, either.

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: Dan, thanks very much for the call.

DAN: Merry Christmas to everybody.

CONAN: Bye-bye. We're talking with "Ask Amy's" Amy Dickinson. You're listening to TALK OF THE NATION, from NPR News.

And here is an email we have from Viviano(ph). How do I go about introducing my boyfriend to my deeply religious, Southern Baptist family? P.S., I'm a guy.

Ms. DICKINSON: Oh, boy. So, with no forewarning or anything...

CONAN: Well, not that we know of.

Ms. DICKINSON: Wow. Well, I think this actually is not the time to do that. I don't think it's the time, probably, to come out to your family. I don't know if this person is out or not, but one great way to introduce friends is by using their name. Hi, Uncle Bert. This is my friend, John. You know, you don't have to explain everything and describe everything. A lot of us have brought all sorts of friends and different relationships to our family celebration. You really don't have to describe the relationship. So that would be my suggestion. I don't think it's a good time to sort of shock people, if they would be shocked.

CONAN: And this is from Kay: What do you with an adult guest who will not put down his smart phone during the holiday get-together? It's difficult enough to make conversation. And as the hostess, I really try to engage everyone in the family, but it's downright rude to be glued to that gadget the entire time. Right in the middle of the so-called conversation, the smart phone junkie randomly blurts Facebook happenings or other inane Internet topics.

Ms. DICKINSON: Okay. I have an idea. Text him from the other room, or get one of the kids - see, I really believe in using children as human shields.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DICKINSON: And I just say, this is why we have kids. I would text him, and I would say, you know, hey, Steve. It'd be great if you could put, you know, put your phone away while we're eating.

CONAN: So you think that would work?

Ms. DICKINSON: I think it is worth a try.

CONAN: And is there anybody awkward coming to your house this Christmas season?

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DICKINSON: Well, I'm like Dan. I'm probably the awkward one in my family. But I have to say, I embrace all the awkwardness. It's - for me, of course, it's material.

CONAN: "Ask Amy" - and, Amy Dickinson, thank you very much, and we hope your holidays are just terrific.

Ms. DICKINSON: Thank you, Neal. Merry Christmas.

CONAN: "Ask Amy" and Amy Dickinson write for The Chicago Tribune. It's a syndicated column. She joined us today from the studios at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York.

You're listening to TALK OF THE NATION, from NPR News.

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