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Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: The Touchy-Feely Candidate; The Speaker Vs. The Speech and the Hurricane Irene Diet.

Copyright © 2011 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you everybody. Thank you. Thank you very much. So, isn't August supposed to be a slow news month? Not this time. Over the last two weeks, Moammar Gadhafi vanished, Dick Cheney came back...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And Albany, New York is now beachfront property. How does this happen?

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SAGAL: Well, we promise to keep things comfortably dull for the next hour, give you respite. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-Wait-Wait. That's 1-888-924- 8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!.

JULIA KERRIGAN: Hi there, this is Julia Kerrigan from Clemson, South Carolina.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in South Carolina.

KERRIGAN: They're good, very hot.

SAGAL: Yeah, well it's been that way everywhere. What do you do there?

KERRIGAN: I'm a professor of mycology at Clemson University.

SAGAL: You're a professor of mycology?

KERRIGAN: Yes, that's the study of fungi.

SAGAL: The study of fungi, yes, of course.

KERRIGAN: I get that a lot.

SAGAL: I knew that.

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ADAM FELBER: I thought it was the study of people named Michael.

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SAGAL: And do you have a particular fungi that you enjoy particularly?

KERRIGAN: I study all sorts of different types. But I want to tell you, I actually discovered a new species of fungus while I was listening to NPR.

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah.

ALONZO BODDEN: Is that an endorsement?

SAGAL: Wait a minute, you were listening to NPR and you just happened to discover...

KERRIGAN: I did. I was procrastinating. I was looking through the microscope and there was something good on NPR, and while I was procrastinating and listening to the radio, I discovered this weird fungus I'd never seen, and it ended up being a new species.

SAGAL: Oh please.

AMY DICKINSON: Whoa.

KERRIGAN: Yes.

SAGAL: Please tell me you named it for Susan Stamberg.

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KERRIGAN: I named it mucatilis which means living among slime.

DICKINSON: Oh.

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SAGAL: Please...

DICKINSON: So it's named after...

SAGAL: Don't tell Susan Stamberg I suggested it.

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SAGAL: Well, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a comedian and a winner of Last Comic Standing, Mr. Alonzo Bodden.

BODDEN: Hello.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman who gives advice to people who "Ask Amy." She's also the author of the memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville," Ms. Amy Dickinson.

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DICKINSON: Hi, Susan.

SAGAL: And finally, a bon vivant and a writer for HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher," Mr. Adam Felber.

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FELBER: Hi there.

SAGAL: So, Julia, welcome to the show. Now, you're going to play Who's Cart This time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Of course, your job, correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, and you'll win our prize: Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

KERRIGAN: I'll do my best.

SAGAL: Yes, you will.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KASELL: "There's going to be a lot of probin' and a lot of feeling' and touchin'."

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SAGAL: That was the new frontrunner for the Republican nomination for president, talking about the vetting process going forward. He was pressing the flesh in Iowa at the time. Who is it?

KERRIGAN: Oh gosh, in Iowa. I was going to say Jon Huntsman, but...

SAGAL: No, he's not the frontrunner.

KERRIGAN: No, he's not.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This guy jumped in and went right to the head of the polls.

KERRIGAN: Mitt Romney? I don't know...

SAGAL: I was about to say Mitt Romney doesn't talk like that, but he might have started since we started the show.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You never know with him.

KERRIGAN: Rick Perry.

SAGAL: Rick Perry, yes, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Rick Perry is who we're looking for.

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SAGAL: Who is Rick Perry? Well, he's a conservative, evangelical governor of Texas who used to be a cheerleader in college.

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SAGAL: He's George Bush in a more user-friendly package. Think of him as Bush Vista.

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SAGAL: Or, since he's better looking than George Bush, maybe it's the political equivalent of replacing Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher in the same roll.

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BODDEN: So when Perry's going to do the probing and picking and touching and feeling, is there any shooting involved?

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BODDEN: He seems to like that a lot.

SAGAL: He does. There was a story in which he went jogging and he came across a coyote and he shot it.

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SAGAL: Because who among us does not go for a nice four-mile run with a handgun?

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DICKINSON: It really ruins...

BODDEN: Plaxico Burris.

SAGAL: Yeah, he did.

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DICKINSON: It kind of ruins the line of my jogging shorts there.

SAGAL: It does.

FELBER: Probing and picking and touching and feeling is, incidentally, the name of my failed R&B album.

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SAGAL: So, as you gather from that quote, Perry keeps saying these things that are kind of strange. He actually once compared his own brain to, quote, "chicken pot pie," unquote.

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SAGAL: All kinds of things just in there, mixed up with gravy. It's sort of a mixture of carrots, peas, creationism, and the occasional urge to secede from the union.

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SAGAL: Now, that sort of talk might disqualify him in a normal year, but right now he's just the sane alternative to Michele Bachmann.

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SAGAL: People think he might win the nomination, Perry.

BODDEN: I think he's got a great chance at it.

DICKINSON: So who would he run with? Like maybe there is something there. Maybe there's like...

BODDEN: Well, any woman that will allow him to do some probing, picking...

DICKINSON: Picking.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Exactly.

SAGAL: All right, very good, here is your next quote.

KASELL: "You can't hold the speech in the parking lot."

SAGAL: That was an anonymous White House staffer, complaining about the trouble they had trying to schedule what with the Speaker of the House?

KERRIGAN: Oh, Obama's speech.

SAGAL: Yes, the President's jobs speech next week.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Now, this is what actually happened: the White House calls over to the Office of the Speaker of the House and they say, hey, the President wants to address Congress next Wednesday. The Speaker's office doesn't object. The White House makes its request public. Then the Speaker, for the first time in history, said no to a presidential request to do a speech, said we want you to do it the next day. The White House is like, but we told you the date, you didn't say anything. And the Speaker's office says yeah, and among the things we didn't say was yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's what actually happened. We should stress, by the way, that this was between the President and the Speaker of the House of Representatives, not two 12-year-old girls arguing over who gets to marry which Jonas brother.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Well, the whole thing was about the Republican candidates' debate, right?

SAGAL: Yeah. What happened was that the president's choice, Wednesday, was the night of the Republican candidates' debate and the Republicans resented him trying to muscle in on their ratings. And so they got their way. Next up, they have to get rid of the other possible competitors, get them off the air that night. That will include that evening's episode of "Toddlers with Tiaras," the broadcast of the local school board meeting and a test pattern on channel 629.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Julia, here is your last quote.

KASELL: "I bought Goldfish and crackers, cookies, Mallomars, things like Little Debbie; just the worst."

SAGAL: That was a Washington, DC resident, cataloging for Reuters, all the emergency junk food she bought, in anticipation of what?

KERRIGAN: Oh Hurricane Irene.

SAGAL: Hurricane Irene, exactly, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So people stocked up on all that horrible food, and the problem is now they're stuck with it, and they're gorging themselves. I mean, come on, if you practically clawed the eyes out of the woman at Target to get the last tub of Red Twizzlers, midnight on Friday, you're not going to let it go to waste, right? But here's an upside to Irene. It turns out that a hurricane creates the perfect wet conditions for growing psychedelic mushrooms. So if you see, say, police cruisers floating down Main Street with sheep on the roof, there may be another explanation.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There was water everywhere. The floods, in fact, mainly in New England and elsewhere on the east coast, they've caused people to hike our slacks up to our navels. We've been starting driver 20-miles-an-hour to get through water, and we spend all day watching the Weather Channel. So Hurricane Irene turned us into our parents.

DICKINSON: Exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: That's the thing.

FELBER: First storm ever with an elastic waistband.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. I believe that the hurricane itself came up with its left blinked on the whole way.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Right.

SAGAL: So, Alonzo and Adam, you guys live in LA. Did you follow the hurricane from out there?

FELBER: A hurricane? Was there some sort of storm on the east coast?

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Adam, Adam, it's...

FELBER: It must have been a local thing.

BODDEN: No, they get rain. We were still laughing at their little earthquake.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: How cute was that?

FELBER: That was adorable.

BODDEN: Wasn't that something?

FELBER: Yeah.

BODDEN: It stirred the coffee.

FELBER: Yeah, exactly.

BODDEN: And a piece of lawn furniture fell.

FELBER: All the way over, all the way over.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Julia do on our quiz?

KASELL: She was perfect, Peter. Julia, you had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your voicemail.

BODDEN: Yay, thank you so much. I'm excited.

SAGAL: Well done. Thank you for playing.

KERRIGAN: Thank you very much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

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