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Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: starting with the Beggar in Chief; Bloodthirsty Political Debates and Earth 2.0.

Copyright © 2011 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

CARL KASELL, host: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall in Portland, Oregon, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF CHEERING)

PETER SAGAL, host: Thank you, Carl. Goodness. Yeah, okay. You have been enjoying those microbrews, haven't you?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's great. Well, I'm very excited too. We got a great show for you today. We got Colin Meloy, lead singer and songwriter of the great Portland band, The Decemberists, coming by later to play our game.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very excited to see him. And it is great to be back in Portland, which is one of those places that is so cool, so hip, you find yourself dying to fit in and to be accepted as one of their own. Why, I even heard that Carl Kasell right here, went out and got himself a tongue piercing.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

KASELL: You should see my belly button, Peter.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: While he heals up, give us a call. The number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

DEBORAH LEVY: Hi there. This is Deborah Levy from Palos Verdes, California.

SAGAL: Oh, Palos Verdes is very beautiful.

LEVY: Yes, it is.

SAGAL: What do you do there?

LEVY: I work at a school as essentially a computer teacher, which means I try to stay a step ahead of the kids with technology, which is no easy feat.

SAGAL: That's impossible, because the kids could just learn it from birth now.

LEVY: Yeah, exactly.

SAGAL: Well, you'll always be bigger than them.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's great to have you with us. Let me introduce you to our great panel this week. First, say hello to a writer, a performer and a veteran of the "Colbert Report." Mr. Peter Grosz is right here.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PETER GROSZ: Hi, Deborah.

SAGAL: And next, one of the women behind the Washington Post's Reliable Source column Ms. Roxanne Roberts.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, Deb.

SAGAL: And finally, the author most recently of "Alphabetter Juice," Mr. Roy Blount, Jr.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

ROY BLOUNT: Hey, Deb.

SAGAL: Well welcome to the show, Deborah. You're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you will win our prize: Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

LEVY: Excellent. Ready.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: If you love me, you've got to help me pass this bill.

SAGAL: That was somebody getting a little desperate this week, who wants people to show their love for him by writing to Congress.

LEVY: I would say that'd be Barack Obama.

SAGAL: It would be President Obama. Very well done, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: President Obama followed the release of his American jobs bill with what's being called the National Presidential Begging Tour.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The refrain of which is pass this bill, pass this bill. That's not like him. His advisers must have convinced him the only way to get his message across to the American people is to repeat it over and over again in monosyllables. Pass this bill. And he was like you mean I am the president of a dumb country?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You can tell he's bored though, you can watch him. If you're an Obama watcher, you can tell he's bored. First he was like, "pass this bill. Pass this bill. Please pass this bill." And then he started doing it in Latin, you know, Obduco is Lex.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then he was like Yoda, "This bill, pass you must."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then in an anagram: spitball hiss. And by this point

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He had lost us again.

BLOUNT: He didn't literally say if you love me, did he?

SAGAL: He did. What happened was

BLOUNT: He did?

SAGAL: What happened was

GROSZ: He was talking to Sasha and Malia.

BLOUNT: Yeah, I was wondering.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He says let me just convince them to write to Congress.

GROSZ: Yeah, yeah.

SAGAL: Please. If he can't get those two

GROSZ: Just one of you.

SAGAL: No, this is what happened. He's been doing these public presentations, these speeches, these rallies. And somebody shouted, "I love you, Barack." And he did what he always does, is he yells back "I love you, too." And then he said, "But if you love me, help me pass this bill."

BLOUNT: Yeah.

SAGAL: That's kind of manipulative though.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of sort of the guy and the girl parked up on the hill.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROBERTS: You know, late at night. If you really loved me

SAGAL: I know.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Or maybe the Republicans, you know, they just want to wait until they're married.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

GROSZ: I don't know what that means in the political world, but it means something.

SAGAL: Meanwhile, your next quote is actually a reenactment from Tuesday evening. I will be Wolf Blitzer. Should society just let him die?

KASELL: Yeah. Yeah.

SAGAL: So Carl was representing somebody in the audience responding to one of many questions asked at what event this week?

LEVY: The debate.

SAGAL: Yes, it was the GOP debate, that's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So one thing you may might have noticed if you've been watching the GOP presidential debate so far is that the audience really more than any of the candidates is really excited about death, either by execution or untreated illness. This week, the crowd applauded and someone shouted "yeah" when Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul if society should let a hypothetical man without health insurance just die.

Although, to be fair, it was just one guy who shouted that, and he turned out to be somebody who was rear ended by a hypothetical man on the way to the debate. So he was angry.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At the last debate, the crowd cheered for the amount of people Rick Perry had executed as governor of Texas.

BLOUNT: Right.

SAGAL: Romney, you know Romney, he's seeing what voters wanted. He went right to the pander. He announced his running mate. It'll be Romney/Grim Reaper 2012.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey, it worked for George Bush.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

GROSZ: That is unfair to the Grim Reaper.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: How dare you.

SAGAL: How dare you.

GROSZ: That man has a family.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: And a heart.

GROSZ: Yeah, and a heart.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah, he's got his own heart.

SAGAL: The crowds at the GOP debates have been attracting more attention than any of the candidates. Maybe they should get the nomination. You know, everybody please rise for President Angry Mob.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT: Yeah, I think, in fact, that the President should be chosen by lottery.

SAGAL: Really?

BLOUNT: Yeah, because then you wouldn't attract the kind of people who want to be president.

SAGAL: That's true.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just pick somebody at random.

BLOUNT: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

BLOUNT: You'd be sitting at home watching television and the Supreme Court would show up at your door. And you'd think, oh god, I'm

GROSZ: Oh, let me put some pants on.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The other big topic at this week's debate was did the Merck pharmaceutical company bribe Governor Perry to mandate the use of their vaccines in Texas. Perry angrily responded to this accusation from Michele Bachman that they only donated $5,000. And he said, quote, "if you're saying that I could be bought for $5,000, I'm offended," unquote.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I mean, $5,000 is insulting for a political of his stature.

BLOUNT: Right, right, right.

SAGAL: And seniority.

BLOUNT: Six, eight, ten.

SAGAL: Yeah, no, his campaign slogan is "Rick Perry, if you have to ask, you can't afford him."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good, here is your last quote.

KASELL: I'm so sick and tired of living on normal Earth. This place sucks.

SAGAL: That was a blogger over at nycbarstool.com, reacting to news this week from NASA that they've discovered what?

LEVY: Oh, I did see something about this. It was two somethings.

SAGAL: Two somethings? They discovered far out in the cosmos two somethings. No, you didn't hear this story?

LEVY: No, I didn't.

SAGAL: I'll give it to you then.

LEVY: Okay.

SAGAL: It's not Earth, it's Super Earth.

LEVY: Oh, Super Earth.

SAGAL: Heard about this? Scientists at NASA announced the discovery of 50 new planets this week. Among them, what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from our regular earth, until it removes its glasses.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The planet, it's real name is HD 85512B. And it exists in the habitable Goldilocks Zone, which is also the area where planets are all covered in porridge.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, here's the best thing, because people are excited, because it's only 36 light years away, which is not far, relatively speaking. And we maybe could get there.

And the best thing about it is that it orbits the sun every 60 days. So if we did get there, we'd all get to live to be 500 years old, which is cool. But when you think about it, it's a really warm place and the average age is 300. It's just Florida.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

BLOUNT: Can we go there if we wear ours out?

SAGAL: Well that's the hope. Because frankly, at this point, we might as well just trash this one and get another.

BLOUNT: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah, we should burn this planet down for the insurance money and move to the other one.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: I think we're already doing that.

GROSZ: We may be doing that slowly.

SAGAL: Yeah, we are, actually. I don't know, it was like - it must have been a short circuit.

GROSZ: Yeah.

SAGAL: I don't know. Carl, how did Deborah do on our quiz?

KASELL: Deborah, you did fine. You had two correct answers, so you win our prize.

LEVY: Oh, awesome.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done, Deborah.

LEVY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks for joining us.

LEVY: Thank you, bye-bye.

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