Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: Don't Tax Me, Bro, Movie-watching moves, and What Goes Up Must Come Down

Copyright © 2011 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

CARL KASELL, host: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, host: Thank you, Carl.

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SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Great to be with you; great to see you today. You know politics have gotten pretty harsh, pretty juvenile, and a lot of people, maybe including us sometimes, have made the comparison between our leaders and chimpanzees.

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SAGAL: You know, all they do is scowl and shriek and fling poo at each other. But our guest today, Dr. Jane Goodall says that's patently unfair to the chimpanzees. So, she'll be on to explain that.

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SAGAL: But first, you can show us your dominance display. Give us a call. The number 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

PETERSON LAMBERT: Hi, this is Peterson Lambert from Seattle, Washington.

SAGAL: Peterson Lambert?

LAMBERT: That's me.

SAGAL: That is an aristocratic sounding name.

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LAMBERT: I should put my martini down.

SAGAL: Oh, very good.

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SAGAL: Of course, you're in a tuxedo, I imagine.

LAMBERT: Of course.

SAGAL: Peterson, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a comedienne who's newest Comedy Central special is now available on iTunes. Ms. Jessi Klein is here.

JESSI KLEIN: Hello.

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SAGAL: Next up, a Chicago based comedian and the host of vocolo.org, Mr. Brian Babylon.

BRIAN BABYLON: Hey, hey, how are you, man?

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SAGAL: And finally, a comedienne performing September 30th at the Crest Theater in Sacramento, California, it's Paula Poundstone.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hi, Peterson.

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SAGAL: So Peterson, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off, of course, with Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell will recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job: correctly identify at least two of them. Do that, you'll win the prize, Carl's voice for your voicemail, answering machine, chip in your head, whatever you want. You ready to play?

LAMBERT: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Okay. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: "Don't you think Thurston Howell III should be taxed at the same rate as Gilligan?"

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SAGAL: That was from ABC's Jake Tapper. He was tweeting about the new tax plan pushed by whom?

LAMBERT: President Obama.

SAGAL: Yes, this week

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SAGAL: Very good.

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SAGAL: This week, the president unveiled his new tax plan, and all anybody could talk about it was its so-called Buffett Rule. This guarantees every American a cheeseburger in paradise.

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SAGAL: And a margarita. And he promised to use Seal Team Six to finally hunt down the lost shaker of salt.

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SAGAL: Oh, wait, that's the Jimmy Buffet Rule.

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SAGAL: He meant the billionaire Warren Buffett. And apparently, this all has to do with marginal tax rates. According to President Obama, it is unfair that Warren Buffett's secretary pays a higher tax rate on her income than her billionaire boss does. So Democrats now have their working class hero, their Joe the Plumber. It's Debbie, the highly paid executive assistant who gets Berkshire Hathaway stock every Christmas.

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SAGAL: Help is on the way, Debbie.

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POUNDSTONE: My understanding is that there's not a lot of people as rich as Warren Buffett.

SAGAL: That would be true.

POUNDSTONE: And that therefore the change is not necessarily substantive, but

SAGAL: So you think that there's really - I mean even if you were to tax people as rich as Warren Buffett higher, it wouldn't do us a lot of good.

POUNDSTONE: Well, probably not. It might make me personally feel better, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Because that's really what it's all about. You're sitting there dealing with your financial problems, and you're like, yeah, but at least Warren Buffett is getting screwed a little more and that

POUNDSTONE: Not more, but commensurately, on the same

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SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: I don't want to get screwed more than Warren Buffett, and that's really the first time I've ever said that.

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SAGAL: All right, Peterson, here is your next quote.

KASELL: "Damn, so many cute gurls."

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SAGAL: That was a twitter user named Qwikster, not to be confused with Qwikster, the new spin-off company announced by what popular DVD service?

LAMBERT: Netflix.

SAGAL: Yes, yes, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

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SAGAL: Every now and then a traumatic event happens to bring Americans together, and this week the nation all cried out as one: what do you mean we have to go to two separate websites to order DVDs or stream movies?

Well, the way it'll work is you'll be able to watch decades-old TV series whenever you want, from Netflix streaming, but if you want actual DVDs to leave on your coffee table for three months

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SAGAL: You'll get them from a new company called, of all random words, Qwikster.

BABYLON: I'm curious.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: Someone lost their job because whoever named this was working on the internet in 2003. You don't add a "ster" on anything, like Napster, Friendster

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SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: Lamester. You don't do that.

SAGAL: Bankruptster.

BABYLON: Bankruptster, yeah.

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SAGAL: It was such a weird thing. I mean, it was like just a few months after Netflix lost about a million subscribers, after a price hike, it's like they realized they still had some customers left.

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SAGAL: And were like, "how can we dump those freeloaders?"

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SAGAL: And then - this is great - last Sunday, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, apparently drunk emailed America.

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SAGAL: He said, quote, "I screwed up." And then he went on in this weird jag about how much he loved Netflix and how much he appreciated you. And the next thing you know, he was outside your window, holding up a boom box that was playing "In your Eyes."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's the thing, and we started with this tweet. Well what happened was, as you said, they sort of randomly and stupidly picked this name Qwikster, without checking to see that Qwikster, spelled the way they're spelling it, is already the twitter handle of this guy. His name is Jason Castillo. He's a young man, and we understand he likes girls and smoking dope.

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SAGAL: So now, we'll present to you Carl Kasell's Qwiksterpiece Theater: The Selected Tweets of Jason Castillo, the man they call Qwikster.

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SAGAL: Carl?

KASELL: "Bored as BLEEP, wanna blaze but at the same time I don't."

Dang, nothing to eat, ima ask my dad for money so I can go buy something."

SAGAL: There you go.

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SAGAL: All right, here is your last quote.

KASELL: If you spot something gigantic that is not the Goodyear blimp, hurtling toward the parking lot, you need to let people know ASAP.

SAGAL: That was the Monroe County News, out of Michigan, warning its readers to watch out for the falling what?

LAMBERT: Satellite.

SAGAL: Yes, the falling satellite.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

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SAGAL: Very good. All week long, people upset about the changes at Netflix held out hope that a NASA satellite might plummet to the earth and put them out of their misery.

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BABYLON: What is so much garbage - you know, I'm not a, you know, Captain James T. Kirk, but I heard

SAGAL: Yes.

BABYLON: That there's a lot of garbage in the atmosphere.

SAGAL: There is.

BABYLON: You know a lot of trash up there. We need to get a big, you know, Hoover vac up there.

SAGAL: A big dust buster.

BABYLON: Yep. Clean it up.

SAGAL: You know, in fact, there is so much of that stuff up there that for their story on this, NPR talked to a, quote, "Orbital Debris Scientist" at NASA.

BABYLON: There's someone getting paid for that?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really, Orbital Debris Scientist, isn't that like Cosmic Waste Management?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are there shady guys hanging out at NASA and not doing any actual work, but drawing a paycheck?

BABYLON: Yeah.

KLEIN: As long as the Orbital Debris Scientist makes sure that nothing hits Ryan Gosling, I'm fine with him.

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KLEIN: Just make sure Ryan Gosling's okay.

SAGAL: Really?

KLEIN: Yeah, we need him.

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SAGAL: So the satellite comes plunging to earth toward Ryan Gosling?

KLEIN: Yeah, I'll get in the way.

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BABYLON: And then, you know what

KLEIN: Yeah, I would do anything for that guy.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Peterson do on our quiz?

KASELL: Peterson, you had a great game. Three correct answers, so you win our prize.

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