High-Tech Cars Smother Their Drivers

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Commentator Andrei Codrescu adds his own predictive hyperbole to promises of a car he heard advertised. He says the new features that do everything for you will smother us with ease — and reduce us to actual cars.


From oil now to the driver's seat. Commentator Andrei Codrescu has been paying attention to the latest in automotive trends and he sent us this poem about our love affair with the car. One word of warning: You might want to fasten your seatbelt.

ANDREI CODRESCU, BYLINE: They are advertising a car on TV. It's a computer. The GPS will get you to work and back in case you forgot how to get there. It will even tell you why you work there in case you're philosophically anxious, and if you're hung over from the night before, it'll go to work for you because its GPS-plus, the metamorphic version.

The car will also park itself in case you forgot your parking permit or don't have any quarters. Who has quarters these days, anyway? And if there is no place to park, the car will squeeze itself between other cars, sitting out like a slice of ham and it'll even spew out quarters if you need them.

The music system sounds like you're right at a concert and the video puts you in front, right next to the band. And if you see somebody you like, the car will pick them up for you and make itself into a sexy condo where you can listen to your different musics while doing whatever you do, Twitting and Facebooking it simultaneously so you can watch it in instant replay while still on your way to work.

All this will cost you nothing for two years except one inch of body height every month and you'll be all paid up by the time you're the size of a slice of ham. And you won't need anything then because you'll be the car. You have been tagged and the next buyer will be happy to be taken to work in your 3D plasma body with GPS-plus-plus.

Society will benefit from this, too, because if people who buy this car now become their cars in the future, there will be less people and more cars. And that, said Mr. Ford, is how smoothly society should function.


BLOCK: Those thoughts from Andrei Codrescu, the author of the book, "Whatever Gets You Through the Night: A Story of Sheherezade and the Arabian Entertainment."

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