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One Airplane And Two Brawling, Bawling Babies

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Crying babies
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The holidays are a busy time, particularly for those people who travel far to see relatives and spend time with friends. Sitting on an airplane can be a frustrating experience, especially when there's a crying baby on board. Author and comedian Simon Rich wrote this essay imagining the in-flight conversation between two noisy infants seated behind him.

-Wow, that was some nap.

-Tell me about it. It's almost like I was drugged or something. Hey ... what is this place?

-I'll look out the window. ... Oh my God. I think we have a situation.

-What is it? Are we at the doctor's office?

-No. We're in the sky.

-What?

-We're just, like, flying through the sky.

-Do Mom and Dad know?

-Clearly not. They're just reading like everything's normal. (Looking around) Everybody's reading.

-How do we warn them?

-With screams.

-Which kind? Soft and whiny or piercing and crazy?

-Let's go with piercing and crazy.

...

-It's not working. They just keep handing me bottles. As if I can eat at a time like this.

-Can you scream any louder?

-No — this is the loudest I can scream.

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-Is there any other way to signal to them?

- (Sigh) I guess we could try pooping in our pants. It's not exactly dignified, but we're running out of options here.

-All right. On three?

-Sure. One, two, three.

...

Simon Rich has been a writer for Saturday Night Live. He currently works at Pixar. Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for The New Yorker hide caption

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Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for The New Yorker

-Well that didn't work.

-Yeah, they're just changing us.

-I can't believe this. We're hurtling through the sky in a metal tube, and yet we're the only ones screaming and pooping.

-I guess no one's looked out the window yet.

-Look at that lady down the aisle. She's so relaxed she's about to fall asleep.

-We need to wake her up.

-We need to wake everyone up.

-How much juice do you have left?

-I don't know. My voice is getting pretty hoarse. I'm pretty exhausted from all the screaming.

-Can you do the pooping thing again?

-I'm not a machine. (Sigh) Sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I'm just stressed out.

-I don't blame you. We're about to die and no one seems to notice.

-Hey wait a minute ... look at that guy sitting in front of us, with the notepad.

-He's staring right at us.

-He must've heard us!

-Well, good. At least we got someone's attention.