Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: Rich Man, Gaffe Man; The Next Big War; and Muggles Rejoice.

Copyright © 2012 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl.

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SAGAL: Thanks everybody. Thank you so much. Oh, you're too kind. We have got a great show for you today. Alec Baldwin is joining us to play our game. That's pretty cool.

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SAGAL: We were really excited, and we wanted to start the show with him, frankly, but he was busy playing this word game on his phone.

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SAGAL: And you know how he gets when he's interrupted.

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SAGAL: So, while we're waiting for him to figure out how to place that Q in a triple word score, we're going to give you a chance to play. Give us the call; the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

HEATHER HUBER: Hi, this is Heather Huber from Wyomissing, Pennsylvania.

SAGAL: Wyomissing, Pennsylvania?

HUBER: Yeah, why are you missing?

SAGAL: Where is Wyomissing?

HUBER: Just outside Reading, Pennsylvania, which is famous via Monopoly for the railroad.

SAGAL: Oh yeah, the Reading, what is it, the Reading Railroad?

ALONZO BODDEN: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

LUKE BURBANK: Or, as everyone called it their whole life, the Reading Railroad.

SAGAL: Yeah.

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SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Heather. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a standup comedian and a Last Comic Standing champion, Mr. Alonzo Bodden.

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BODDEN: Can I say that Wyomissing is one of the three towns in America I haven't worked?

SAGAL: There you are.

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SAGAL: And host of the Too Beautiful to Live podcast, it's Mr. Luke Burbank.

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BURBANK: Hi, Heather.

SAGAL: And lastly, one of the women behind the Washington Post's Reliable Source column, Ms. Roxanne Roberts.

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ROXANNE ROBERTS: Heather, so it's going to drive me crazy. How did your town get that name?

BODDEN: I think the town was named by Nancy Grace.

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HUBER: Yeah, why.

SAGAL: Aw.

BODDEN: We're groaning already?

SAGAL: We are.

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SAGAL: All right, Heather, welcome to our show. You're going to start us off, of course, with Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to play?

HUBER: I am.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: I'm not going to set my hair on fire.

SAGAL: Now, that was a GOP nominee, who, were he to set his hair on fire, would block out the sun with the smoke. Who was it?

HUBER: Mitt Romney.

SAGAL: Yes, Mitt Romney. Yes.

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SAGAL: Now, Mr. Romney - very good.

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SAGAL: Romney did a rare press conference right before the Michigan primary this week and he tried to explain why he wasn't doing that well in his home state. He said he would not pander just to try and fire up the base. And it's true, throughout his campaign he has consistently not tried to fire up anyone.

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SAGAL: And now, of course, the reason he was doing so poorly in his home state wasn't what he refused to say, it's what he did say. At a NASCAR race, he said that he didn't, "follow the sport as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some great friends that are NASCAR team owners."

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SAGAL: Then, trying to show his enthusiasm for American cars, he said his wife had "a couple of Cadillacs."

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SAGAL: When this got criticized as being a little out of touch, you know, he defended himself. This is how he defended himself, he said come on, his wife needed that many Cadillacs, one for each of their homes.

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SAGAL: And then there's a third Cadillac she uses to get from one Cadillac to the other.

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BURBANK: I don't hear what's not relatable about that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

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BODDEN: At this point, even the brothers aren't owning a few Cadillacs.

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BURBANK: Who knew Mitt Romney was living in a Jay Z video?

BODDEN: Well, don't you think it would be better if he would just stop pretending to be human?

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SAGAL: If he'd just pull off the rubber mask.

BODDEN: And admit - yeah, he's a robot. He can't set the hair on fire because the automatic fire suppression system would kick in.

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SAGAL: You know what was amazing?

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BURBANK: I can't do that, Mitt.

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SAGAL: Very good. Here is your next quote.

KASELL: If you liked Afghanistan and Iraq, you're going to love this.

SAGAL: That was one of the many comments zinging around on Twitter this week, warning us of an impending war with whom?

HUBER: Iran.

SAGAL: Yes, Iran, very good.

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SAGAL: We're going to have a war with Iran, that's exciting.

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SAGAL: So did you enjoy the first Iraq war? Did you love the second one?

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SAGAL: Well, sadly, there's nothing left to blow up in that country. But don't worry, Middle East quagmire lovers, there's a whole un-blowed up country right next door.

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SAGAL: To war fans, Iran looks just like a completely unpopped sheet of bubble wrap. You just can't keep your hands off it.

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SAGAL: Like, oh, let's do it. So in addition to Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich and John Bolton, among others, threatening war against Iran, you've got Israel basically saying to the US, "you'll know we decided to go ahead and blow up Iran when you hear a big boom."

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BODDEN: You know, starting a war with Israel, I think Iran needs to call Egypt, and they'll be like, "Oh, that's a bad idea."

SAGAL: Yeah.

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BODDEN: You don't start up with them, because they might take a week to end it.

SAGAL: Yeah.

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SAGAL: The other day - and this is true - Congress had a hearing on whether the government of Iran was "rational." Our Congress did that.

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SAGAL: Later that day a group of pots held a hearing on whether kettles were black.

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SAGAL: OK, here is your last quote, Heather.

KASELL: Well, grownups, you no longer have to hide your copies of her books during your morning commute.

SAGAL: That was a writer in Time magazine, talking about what famed children's author who's now writing a book for adults?

HUBER: JK Rowling.

SAGAL: Yes, JK Rowling, very good.

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SAGAL: The author of the Harry Potter books has announced she's going to be writing an adult novel, and people have gone nuts in anticipation. But nobody knows what it's going to be. She hasn't said. Will it be the wizards in the Harry Potter books, all grown up and dealing with life as middle aged wizards?

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SAGAL: I'm sorry, Hermione, my wand just doesn't seem to work anymore.

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BODDEN: In the last move, wasn't Harry about 40 years old?

SAGAL: He was, yeah.

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BODDEN: It's become an adult story.

SAGAL: It's gotten to the point where, like, Harry's patronus is Matlock.

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BURBANK: I'm so sad, I understood that joke.

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ROBERTS: I'm trying to think of the midlife crisis of your average wizard.

SAGAL: Well, you know what happens. You have a midlife crisis; Harry goes out there and gets a convertible broom. He's not fooling anyone.

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BURBANK: He gets drunk at the bar and talks about how they could have been state champs at quidditch.

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SAGAL: And when JK Rowling says it's going to be an adult novel, does she mean like grownups? Is it going to be a sophisticated literary adventure about a billionaire author torn between the two countries she's deciding on buying?

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SAGAL: Or does she mean like adult, adult, you know?

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SAGAL: Is it going to be her own Harry Potter slash fiction? Harry Potter and the Other Chamber of Secrets?

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ROBERTS: I guess we don't get to talk about phoenixes then.

SAGAL: No.

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BURBANK: By the way, if your phoenix rises for more than four hours, see a doctor.

SAGAL: Yeah.

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SAGAL: Carl, how did Heather do on our quiz?

KASELL: Heather, you had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your voicemail or home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well done, Heather.

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SAGAL: Thank you so much. Thanks so much for playing, Heather.

HUBER: Thank you for having me.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

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