Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Opening Panel Round

Our panelists answer questions about the week's news: The CDC Provides the First Act of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Copyright © 2012 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

We want to remind everybody that they can join us most weeks back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago. For tickets and more information, go to wbez.org or you can find a link at our website, waitwait.npr.org. Right now, panel, of course it is time for you to answer some questions about the week's news.

Roxanne, to allay concerns from an increasingly nervous public, the Centers for Disease Control issued a statement saying that there is, in fact, no real danger of what?

ROXANNE ROBERTS: I missed this somehow. So this is some potential threat?

SAGAL: Potential threat people were worried about this week because of some incidents in the news, some distressing incidents in the news. So the CDC felt it important to let everybody know, no, as far as they know, there's nothing to worry about.

ROBERTS: A cannibal. No.

MO ROCCA: No.

SAGAL: Actually, you're close.

ROCCA: Oh.

SAGAL: Because of all those incidents, people were worried about what?

ROBERTS: Flesh eating something.

SAGAL: Flesh eating what?

ROBERTS: Bacteria.

SAGAL: No.

ROBERTS: Flesh eating zombies.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

ROBERTS: No.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The CDC has let us all know...

ROBERTS: Oh, that's like a joke.

SAGAL: No, no, no, no they said it. This is what happened.

P.J. O'ROURKE: Your tax dollars at work.

SAGAL: Absolutely. After a number of distressing incidents of people eating other people, including the Great Naked Face Eating Picnic of 2012...

ROCCA: In Miami, right?

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

ROCCA: Which is really taking the South Beach Diet a step too far.

SAGAL: It is.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: I mean it's protein.

SAGAL: Sure.

ROCCA: And no carbs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, because of all these things, the CDC actually sent an email to the Huffing ton Post, saying, quote: "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead or one that would present zombie-like symptoms," unquote. Yeah, right. Haven't they ever seen a zombie movie? The first scene is always some guy at the CDC saying there's nothing wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Don't panic.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It'll be great though, if there was a zombie, if you think about, you know we being Americans would treat it like we treat every other serious disease. We'd make it a cause. There'd be a Zombie Shamble for the Cure.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And one day a year, to show their support of the cause, baseball players would put down their regular bats and use a human leg instead.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Oh yeah, and the annual Zombie Walk through Central Park.

SAGAL: Exactly.

ROCCA: Everyone's got their arms outstretched.

SAGAL: Oh yeah.

O'ROURKE: Speaking of which, who would be the celebrity of choice for the Zombie?

SAGAL: For the Zombies?

ROCCA: Nick Nolte.

SAGAL: Oh clear, really.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He'd be the spokes-zombie.

ROCCA: Yeah.

ROBERTS: You didn't even think for two second there.

ROCCA: Well because, he's a zombie.

(LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!