This, That, Or The Other
OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
Thank you, Jonathan Coulton. And let's welcome our new contestants, Hannah Magnolia and Dan Magnolia. Interesting.
EISENBERG: Very interesting. Now here's what I know about you. I know that Hannah is a fifth grade school teacher. I know that you love playing board games at home. I know that Dan is a guitar teacher and a musician. And I also know that you are married.
EISENBERG: Married! Yet love competing against each other. That is fantastic.
ART CHUNG: It's real life, real life.
DAN MAGNOLIA: It's real life.
EISENBERG: Is this a date? Is this considered a big date for you guys?
MAGNOLIA: This is date night, yes.
EISENBERG: Yeah, where you go and compete?
HANNAH MAGNOLIA: No.
MAGNOLIA: Oh, apparently not. I'm sorry.
EISENBERG: I see how this goes already, Hannah. All right, so Hannah, just I need to know from you immediately, who do you think's going to win this?
MAGNOLIA: Well I'm going to try.
EISENBERG: Interesting. I see you're taking the modest route, that's smart, that's a tactic. I understand your strategy. Dan, if you had to weight in?
MAGNOLIA: I'm pretty sure she's going to win.
EISENBERG: Ah, smart man, that is why you're still married. Audience, let's vote right now ahead of time. Let's place some bets. Who thinks Hannah's going to win, by applause?
EISENBERG: All right, how about Dan?
EISENBERG: Well this game is a very fun game, it's called This, That, Or The Other. Jonathan?
JONATHAN COULTON: Yes, so we are going to give you an item and you will tell us which of three categories that item belongs to. Today's categories are types of cheese, dance moves and characters from "Moby Dick," so...
COULTON: As an example that I'll do with Ophira. Ophira?
COULTON: Mimolette, is it a cheese a dance move or a "Moby Dick" character?
EISENBERG: Mimolette? I believe I went to school with Mimolette in Canada.
COULTON: Uh huh.
EISENBERG: I would have to say, based on that, she is - he - she or he is a weird "Moby Dick" character.
COULTON: OK, you went to school with a fictional character.
EISENBERG: It's possible.
COULTON: Well I guess.
EISENBERG: Canada's weird.
COULTON: No, I'm sorry, you're wrong either way, because Mimolette is a delicious hard cheese similar to Edam.
COULTON: So that's how it works. The answer was cheese, in this case. So we're going to alternate between players. So Dan, you're going to get the first clue and Hannah, you'll get the second clue. Whoever answers the most correctly will move on to the Ask Me One More final round. Are you ready?
COULTON: OK. So this is for you, Dan. Queequeg.
COULTON: No, I'm sorry, it's a "Moby Dick" character. It's the first major character Ishmael meets. You obviously haven't read the book.
EISENBERG: But that is a crazy cheese, Queequeg. That is a cheese made of queg.
MAGNOLIA: And I'm sure it smells great.
EISENBERG: It smells delicious.
COULTON: Dan. Cheese, no, I'm sorry it is a dance move. It is a ballet jump involving a scissor-like motion of the leg. Dan, heel jack.
MAGNOLIA: Cheese. My answer is just cheese for everything. OK. It's an [UNINTELLIGIBLE] strategy.
EISENBERG: Yeah, and Dan that is a good answer in life. Every answer to every question should be cheese.
COULTON: Eventually it's going to be cheese, I think.
MAGNOLIA: Would you want to eat a cheese that was called heel jack?
EISENBERG: Mmm, would you like some elbow Brie?
COULTON: Then again, head cheese isn't cheese either, so...
MAGNOLIA: Well that's a good point.
COULTON: Well we're getting a little off topic, Dan, I think you need to focus.
COULTON: Heel jacks is actually a dance move in the country line dancing. Hannah, Pippin.
MAGNOLIA: A "Moby Dick" character.
COULTON: You are correct.
COULTON: Dan, grapevine.
MAGNOLIA: What are the categories?
EISENBERG: Well you know cheese.
COULTON: Categories are cheese, dance move or "Moby Dick" character. Grapevine.
COULTON: I admire you stick to it in this.
EISENBERG: It would go well with cheese, the grapevine. I understand. T
COULTON: This is a dance move, so I'm sorry.
EISENBERG: It is the basis of all jazzercise aerobics.
MAGNOLIA: Oh well, clearly.
COULTON: OK, Hannah, Manchego.
MAGNOLIA: That's a cheese.
COULTON: Yes, it is a cheese.
EISENBERG: Yep, that is a cheese.
COULTON: Feel like Dan...
MAGNOLIA: That one was mine, that one was meant for me, I know that.
COULTON: Dan, should have gotten that question. OK, Dan, Tashtego.
EISENBERG: Dan is looking around trying to stop himself from saying cheese. He's just trying to start... Yes. Dan.
MAGNOLIA: "Moby Dick."
COULTON: Yes, "Moby Dick."
MAGNOLIA: I'm still ahead.
EISENBERG: Yes, you are, Hannah, you are still ahead.
COULTON: OK, Hannah, this one is yours. Quark.
MAGNOLIA: "Moby Dick"?
COULTON: No, it's a cheese.
EISENBERG: Although that is a...
MAGNOLIA: Is a six part - it's an atomic particle.
COULTON: It is an atomic particle. That is not one of the categories we're looking for unfortunately.
COULTON: OK, Dan, Peleg.
COULTON: It's a "Moby Dick" character.
EISENBERG: Peleg and heel jack would be delicious to serve at a party.
COULTON: [UNINTELLIGIBLE] in heel jack. Hannah, Allemande.
MAGNOLIA: Dance move.
COULTON: You are correct.
COULTON: Dan, hollowback.
COULTON: Oh, Dan, no, I'm sorry.
COULTON: It's a dance move.
I'm sorry. (bell ringing)
MAGNOLIA: Cheese. (bell ringing)
If I do it more than once, Is it still cheese?
COULTON: No, it's still not cheese.
EISENBERG: It doesn't turn into anything with the bell.
COULTON: No. All right, Hannah, you ready?
MAGNOLIA: I guess so.
COULTON: OK. Yarg.
MAGNOLIA: You said it like a "Moby Dick" character, so I'm going with that.
COULTON: No, it's a cheese!
EISENBERG: Although it does sound like something someone would yell at you while throwing a cheese at you, but it is a cheese.
COULTON: It does.
EISENBERG: It's a weird cheese.
COULTON: What - do we have a final score here?
EISENBERG: Yes, we do. It turns out that Hannah, you have won.
EISENBERG: Hannah Magnolia, you'll be moving on to our final Ask Me One More. Audience was right. Dan you were fantastic. I hope you get a lot of cheese.
COULTON: Never give up, Dan, never give up.
MAGNOLIA: Going to go home and eat some cheese now.
NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by a contractor for NPR, and accuracy and availability may vary. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Please be aware that the authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio.