Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: Faster, Higher, Stronger; Tour de Gaffe; and A Stake Through the Heart.

Copyright © 2012 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. Listen, we have got a great show for you today. We've got Paul Krugman, New York Times columnist and Nobel Prize winning economist joining us later. In fact, Professor Krugman might be the most interesting economist in the world, which is a little like being the world's funniest public radio show.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But you can be the best listener to call us this hour, if you want. The number to call is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888 924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.

LIZ HOTTENSTEIN: Hi, this is Liz Hottenstein from Wilson, Wyoming.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Wilson, Wyoming?

HOTTENSTEIN: Spectacular.

KASELL: Really? Where is Wilson, I don't know it?

HOTTENSTEIN: Wilson is right next to Jackson, Wyoming.

SAGAL: All right, it's like...

HOTTENSTEIN: Where Jackson Hole is.

SAGAL: Jackson Hole is, that's where the great, enormous hole is...

HOTTENSTEIN: Yes, exactly.

SAGAL: ...where people fall in and are never seen again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is there a hole in Jackson Hole? I've always wondered about that.

HOTTENSTEIN: No, there's not.

(LAUGHTER)

HOTTENSTEIN: There's a big mountain.

SAGAL: Why don't they call it Jackson Mountain then?

HOTTENSTEIN: I'm not really sure.

SAGAL: It just doesn't seem right to me. What do you do there?

HOTTENSTEIN: I'm a faux finisher.

SAGAL: You're a what?

(LAUGHTER)

HOTTENSTEIN: A faux finisher. I'm a decorative interior painter.

SAGAL: Oh, like faux, like fake.

HOTTENSTEIN: Yes.

SAGAL: F-A-U-X, faux.

HOTTENSTEIN: Yes.

SAGAL: A faux finisher. So you paint things to look like other things.

HOTTENSTEIN: I do.

SAGAL: You paint mountains to make them look like holes.

MO ROCCA: Yes, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

HOTTENSTEIN: I could do that, yeah.

SAGAL: That's awesome. Welcome to the show, Liz.

HOTTENSTEIN: Thank you.

SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning," Mr. Mo Rocca is here.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Hi there, Liz.

HOTTENSTEIN: Hi.

SAGAL: Next, a blogger and editor for the Houston Chronicle, Ms. Kyrie O'Connor.

(APPLAUSE)

KYRIE O'CONNOR: Hi, Liz.

SAGAL: And, making his debut on our panel this week, an actor and comedian whose show "Numb" is currently running at Theatre 80 in New York City, Mr. Simon Amstell is here.

(APPLAUSE)

SIMON AMSTELL: Hello, Liz.

HOTTENSTEIN: Hello.

AMSTELL: I'm English.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Liz, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off, of course, with Who's Carl This Time. That never changes. Carl is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you of course win our big prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Ready to go?

HOTTENSTEIN: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: Put a sock in it, we're on to a winner.

SAGAL: That was London mayor Mr. Boris Johnson writing in Britain's The Sun tabloid telling his fellow Londoners to stop complaining about what?

HOTTENSTEIN: The traffic due to the Olympics.

SAGAL: The Olympics, yes, the whole thing.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: They're complaining about the whole thing. They're here. And NBC is for the first time going to broadcast every minute of the games. That's a total of 321 hours of coverage, during which exactly 5 soccer goals will be scored.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It'll be on NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, PMS-NBC.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you guys going to be watching the Olympics? Are you big Olympic fans?

ROCCA: I like synchronized diving.

SAGAL: This is the two people diving at the same time.

ROCCA: Where they dive and then they get out, they take a shower, they get up and they get...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: They do, they shower together right there by the pool and then they get up and they dive again. And they don't - like in 2008, it was awesome. I remember because when it was male synchronized diving - same-sex diving basically.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And they said "Sam and Pablo have been diving for ten years. When Pablo had to miss the Olympic trials, Sam refused to dive with anyone else."

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: It's like they're swans. It's really sweet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, Simon, you're here with us.

AMSTELL: Yes.

SAGAL: Why aren't you back home in London, watching the Olympics?

ROCCA: Were you injured?

(LAUGHTER)

AMSTELL: It is a coincidence, but I'm happy that I'm here instead. I don't like - because I feel I'd be annoyed by being encouraged to be excited.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

AMSTELL: Like they make you, they sort of make you be excited about these things. Like the royal wedding having a wedding, they sort of make you feel something.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And of course, being Britain, everybody is worried about the weather. And they're particularly worried about the weather because they were afraid that the bikinis of the beach volleyball players would have to be covered up, which eliminates all the visual interest of the Olympics right there.

AMSTELL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Like, what are people going to do? We can watch the dressage, the horses are still naked.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Is Pippa Middleton going to be forced to play volleyball?

AMSTELL: Which one? Is she the sister or the main one?

ROCCA: Oh my gosh.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Wait a minute.

ROCCA: Off with his head.

SAGAL: You don't know?

ROCCA: You don't know?

AMSTELL: I've got my own life going on.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: Isn't that like treason or something?

AMSTELL: One of them got a lot of interest because her bottom was interesting to people.

ROCCA: That's Pippa.

AMSTELL: That's Pippa.

SAGAL: That's Pippa, yes.

ROCCA: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

AMSTELL: Right.

SAGAL: For your next quote, we have some reviews of someone's debut on the international stage.

KASELL: Apparently devoid of charm, warmth, humor or sincerity.

SAGAL: And?

KASELL: Total car crash.

SAGAL: And?

KASELL: This person is some sort of American Borat, right?

SAGAL: Those were all from British people reacting to what visitor to their shores this week?

HOTTENSTEIN: Mitt Romney.

SAGAL: Yes, Mitt Romney.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He's on a mission to really put the "offensive" in "charm offensive."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The first thing Governor Romney did after landing in London was to say he wasn't sure London was really ready for the games. This inspired the Prime Minister - the Prime Minister - to respond that London is a giant city, and it would be easy to put an Olympics on in quote, the middle of nowhere, unquote.

ROCCA: Ouch. Ouch.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This, the prime minister explained, wasn't a reference to the Salt Lake City Olympics run by Mr. Romney. Of course not, no, no, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But to the desert fortress where Romney keeps his money.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He met with the top secret head of British Intelligence, MI6, which you're never supposed to talk about. And he went outside, literally, he walked outside and said, "Oh, I just met with the head of the MI6." He also talked about Fight Club.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Can't he just outsource his speaking responsibilities?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's interesting that he started this tour, and within one day, he ended up being the most widely mocked figure in Britain, which is saying something.

AMSTELL: How dare you.

(LAUGHTER)

AMSTELL: It's me.

SAGAL: Really?

AMSTELL: No, I felt like I should say "how dare you." I don't care where I'm from.

(LAUGHTER)

AMSTELL: I don't really care. It's just where you're born, isn't it.

SAGAL: So you don't feel any particular pride in being British?

AMSTELL: I think it's stupid.

SAGAL: You do?

(LAUGHTER)

AMSTELL: To be proud of where you come from, it's just where you fall out. To be "oh, I'm so proud to be British or I'm proud to be American." You might as well be proud to be cesarean.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote, Liz. It's from the real important story of the week.

KASELL: I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.

SAGAL: That was actress Kristen Stewart, and an impeccable impersonation.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: From her public apology for doing what?

HOTTENSTEIN: Cheating on Robert Pattinson.

SAGAL: You knew.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Everybody knew. Yes, very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I'm sure most of our audience won't need me to go over this, but for the people who missed this week's issue of US Weekly: Ms. Stewart co-starred with Robert Pattinson in the "Twilight" movies. They became an off-screen couple. But then, just this month, she was caught snogging with the older, married director of her latest movie. So instead of Team Edward or Team Jacob, she was on Team Creepy Married Guy.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: Yes. In that sad press conference, she used her other facial expression.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Liz do on our quiz?

KASELL: Liz had three correct answers, Peter. So Liz, you win our prize.

SAGAL: Well done, Liz.

HOTTENSTEIN: Yay.

(APPLAUSE)

O'CONNOR: Yay for Liz. Congratulations, Liz.

HOTTENSTEIN: Thank you so much.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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