Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Headlines

Bill Kurtis reads headlines we found in the paper this week.

Copyright © 2012 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis, filling in for Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, P. J. O'Rourke and Charlie Pierce. And, here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill stretches out his gluteus rhymeus muscles in preparation for the listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-Wait-Wait. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, though, it's time for a game we're calling?

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis, and this is the news.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Guys, Bill is going to read each of you three headlines we found in a newspaper recently. Only one of them is real. Pick the real one you get a point. Here we go. Charlie, your headline comes from the Manchester Evening News, and concerns a funeral. Was it?

KURTIS: Frownsy The Clown Fails To Put The "Fun" In Funeral.

SAGAL: Or?

KURTIS: Funeral Home Enacts 140-Character Limit On Tombstones.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or?

KURTIS: Mourners Flee Funeral After Fire Breaks Out At Cremation.

(LAUGHTER)

CHARLIE PIERCE: OK, the last one sounds like it actually could have happened, so I'm going to pick Frownsy the Clown.

SAGAL: You're going to pick Frownsy the Clown.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, it was, in fact, cremation.

PIERCE: Oh.

SAGAL: One of the mourners said "We had a bit of a laugh about it. You don't expect a cremation to be stopped because of a fire."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Roxanne, for yours, which of these was a real headline announcing the death of a true American hero?

KURTIS: Neil Armstrong: The Man Who Mooned Us All.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or?

KURTIS: Neil Armstrong Makes One Giant Step Into the Grave.

(SOUNDBITE OF BOOING)

SAGAL: Or?

KURTIS: Neil Armstrong, First Man on the Man.

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Knowing how inadvertent typos can sometime make their way into the paper, I'm going to go with first man on the man.

SAGAL: You're right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That was in the Hindustan Times, very good.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

PIERCE: Reached at home, Buzz Aldren was unavailable for comment.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And P. J., your headline is from Marketing Magazine. It concerns the world of tennis. Was it?

KURTIS: Wimbledon Finalists Completely Unpronounceable.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or?

KURTIS: Adidas gives Andy Murray new shorts after balls pop out.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or?

KURTIS: Adidas gives Venus Williams new shorts after balls pop out.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I've always wanted to say that.

(LAUGHTER)

P. J. O'ROURKE: I may be letting the ideal triumph over the real, but I'm going with Venus Williams.

SAGAL: Oh, it was Andy Murray.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Apparently he couldn't keep his tennis balls from falling out. Nothing funny about that.

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