Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: Death From Above, Permanent Parking, and What Saturday's Not All Right For.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the AT&T Performing Arts Center in Dallas, Texas, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you everybody. Stop now. Thank you. We do have a great show for you today. We've got musician Erykah Badu, born and raised here in Dallas. She'll be joining us later on to play our game. But first, can I say, coming to Texas isn't just a pleasure for us, it is a repayment.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You guys here in Texas have done so much for our show.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You've given us bizarre crimes, crazy politicians, lunacy as a lifestyle.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You guys are like the Florida of the United States.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And we are grateful. If you out there would like to give thanks to the good people of Texas for their sacrifice, give us a call. The number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

ANDREW NORTON: Hi, this is Andrew Norton from Taylors, South Carolina.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in South Carolina, Andrew?

NORTON: The weather is crazy. It was 70 yesterday and 40 today.

SAGAL: That means it's the end of the world.

NORTON: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you do there?

NORTON: I'm a youth pastor and I'm finishing up grad school.

SAGAL: Oh really, grad school in youth pasturing?

NORTON: In pastoral studies, so close.

SAGAL: Oh, OK. You'll be a doctor of pastoral studies.

NORTON: Well, just a masters.

SAGAL: You'll be a master of pastoral studies.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You'll be a master pastor.

NORTON: I will be.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Andrew. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian performing February 23rd at the Paramount Theater in Charlottesville, Virginia. It's Paula Poundstone right there.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey.

NORTON: Yeah, Paula.

POUNDSTONE: Hey, how you doing?

NORTON: Good. You're may favorite host - my favorite panelist.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, thank you so much. Boy, when you almost said favorite host, you should have seen the look on Peter's face.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Next up, author, humorist and a man who blogs an unhealthy amount at cartalk.com, Mr. Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hello, Andrew.

NORTON: Hello, Tom.

BODETT: Even though I know I'm not your favorite...

NORTON: You're my second favorite though.

POUNDSTONE: All right.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Still, a hearty hello.

SAGAL: And even though you may not have been aware she was here and listening to all this...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's a senior editor and columnist at the Houston Chronicle of Texas, Ms. Kyrie O'Connor.

(APPLAUSE)

KYRIE O'CONNOR: I'm not that nuts about you either, Andrew.

(LAUGHTER)

NORTON: That's all right; we love you, Kyrie.

SAGAL: Andrew, you ready to play?

NORTON: I am.

SAGAL: Now, you're going to play Who's Carl This Time, of course. Carl Kasell is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, identify or explain them two times out of three. Do that; you will win our prize, Carl's voice on your voicemail.

NORTON: All righty.

SAGAL: All right, here we go. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: Weather forecast here in Colorado includes a 30 percent chance of snow with light afternoon drone strikes.

SAGAL: That was PJ Media editor Stephen Greene, talking about the news that the U.S. government has claimed the power to launch a drone strike at whom?

NORTON: U.S. citizens.

SAGAL: Yes, pretty much anyone.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: NBC News uncovered a White House report explaining its justification for launching predator drones at anybody they like, including American citizens, wherever like they, whenever they like. The entire document is just the words, "Don't worry, we got this."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Obama administration has made the use of drones against American citizens legal, which if nothing else will result in an exponential increase in the number of people whose last words are, "Hey, what's that thing?"

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did you know, actually, that Charlottesville, Virginia, where I believe you're going to be soon, Paula...

POUNDSTONE: Yes...

SAGAL: ...has declared itself a drone-free zone.

POUNDSTONE: No.

SAGAL: It's true, the first city to do that. You can't use drones. Sorry, we say no.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, this is just going to attract a lot of ne'er-do-wells.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: To Charlottesville, you know. Someone's going to do something just heinous and then just run to the other side of the Charlottesville border.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, if the President does start using drones domestically, which he could do, he has claimed the right to do whatever he wants...

POUNDSTONE: I do think about those commercials where there's some, you know, really burdened looking housewife who says "Can you get this spot out?"

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Boom.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Certainly, because when you said domestic, that's how I think of domestic.

SAGAL: Yeah, I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Yeah, domestic drone, that's what my father was.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. The truth is anybody who has listened to Wolf Blitzer for a few minutes knows we're already using drones.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Andrew, here is your next quote.

KASELL: This is a parking lot. No burying of dead monarchs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was from a picture of a sign that Prince Charles tweeted. The sign is supposedly in a parking lot in England, which really did turn out to be the final resting place of whom?

NORTON: Richard III.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed it was.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Big news this week for history and Shakespeare buffs, the body of Richard III, the famous hunchbacked evil king of England was positively identified by DNA sampling. Where did they get the DNA to test it with? Simple, they took it from the scenery chewed by every actor who's played Richard for 400 years.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: OK, so was he buried or he just sort of fell down there and then they paved him over?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well that's the thing. I mean, how did he get in the parking lot? Maybe he wasn't killed in battle; he just forgot where he parked. You know, he's walking around.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's going, "It was a blue horse. Where is it? Has anybody seen a blue horse? Damn, there are a lot of blue horses here."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, the idea was, as you may have heard, Paula, is that he was apparently buried in a churchyard. The church was destroyed about 80 or 100 years later. And then over the full course of time, a parking lot was built. And somebody figured all this out and said dig here, and they found him down there.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Who figured it out?

SAGAL: The Richard III Society, as well as some archeologists. The Richard III Society, by the way, wants him to be rehabilitated. They think that Shakespeare, among many other writers, have slandered him as propaganda for the Tudors, that he really wasn't that evil. They want to rehabilitate him. In fact, their next move is going to have Oprah interview the corpse.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: His remains that they retrieved from the parking lot had a lot of wounds. Some of them were from battle. Some of them were dings from shopping carts.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There was a post-mortem wound in his head that was mysterious, but then they found a note. It said, "Hey, I accidentally backed into your skull."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: "As soon as they invent phones, please call this number."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A very honest person. Did you hear this? They said well now we found the remains of King Richard III. Where are we going to bury him? And some people are saying they should bury him in Westminster Abbey, where the kings of England tend to be buried. And Queen Elizabeth apparently has said no, she won't allow that. Man, that woman holds a grudge.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Well, you know, wasn't he already buried?

SAGAL: He was buried.

POUNDSTONE: Here's an idea.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Put him back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In the parking lot?

POUNDSTONE: Why not? You know, once they're dead, I don't...

SAGAL: You think they don't care?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I'm not big into the burial thing. My kids want to cremate me and I'm begging them to wait.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Andrew, your last quote is some bad news that comes from the TMZ website.

KASELL: That Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon will just have to wait until Monday.

SAGAL: That was a sad comment on the fact that what will not be happening on Saturday anymore?

NORTON: The mail.

SAGAL: The mail, right, no more mail on Saturdays.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Starting in August, the USPS will no longer be delivering mail on Saturday. You have to feel for the Post Office, right. They're in a bad way. They are forced by law to provide a service that fewer and fewer people actually use anymore because they've outgrown it. We're emailing everything now. Imagine a hospital forced by federal law to treat everyone with leeches.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I love the Post Office.

BODETT: I do, too.

O'CONNOR: I do, too.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I don't like the idea of not - I don't know what we need to do to fix it. I'm not so good with budgets myself. But, you know, maybe I'm old fashioned but I still write letters and people still write letters to me. And I get excited about my grandmother sending me $10 in my birthday card.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: And sometimes there are tool catalogues.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Andrew do on our quiz?

KASELL: Andrew, you had a perfect game, three correct answers. So I'll be doing the message on your home answering machine or voicemail.

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Andrew, thank you so much for playing.

NORTON: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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