Happy And You Know It

Jonathan Coulton quizzes contestants on the lost verses of "If You're Happy and You Know It," in which the lyrics hint to certain things. The song should really be re-titled, "If You're An Inanimate Object And You Know It." Clap your hands.

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(LAUGHTER)

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

This is ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm your host Ophira Eisenberg, the queen of quizzes, the princess of puzzles, the trivia trollop. Next to me on stage are our amazing puzzle gurus, John Chaneski.

JOHN CHANESKI: Hi everybody, hi Ophira.

EISENBERG: Hi John.

CHANESKI: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: And Art Chung.

ART CHUNG: Hey Ophira, how's it going?

EISENBERG: Good.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: More from our gurus later. But first I'd like you to turn your attention to the man who never considers himself fully dressed without his guitar, Mr Jonathan Coulton.

(APPLAUSE)

JONATHAN COULTON: Hello.

EISENBERG: All right, so we have our first two contestants on stage. Let's meet them right now. Let's have a round of applause for Mary Rose Dallal. Hi Mary.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: And Brice Gaillard. Hi Brice.

BRICE GAILLARD: Hello.

EISENBERG: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Welcome to ASK ME ANOTHER. Now Mary you're an actual real New Yorker, born and raised.

MARY ROSE DALLAL: Yes ma'am, this is genuine Brooklyn accent.

EISENBERG: Genuine Brooklyn accent. Is Brooklyn your fav - of all the boroughs, do you have a favorite?

DALLAL: Well, I'm a native New Yorker. I was born and bred in Brooklyn. I went to college in Staten Island for four years, grad school in the Bronx for four years, lived in Manhattan 19 years and lost my virginity in Queens, one night.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: She wins.

EISENBERG: I know. But the interesting thing is she never returned to Queens. She never returned.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Excellent. I'm happy to have you. Now Brice you write about interior design and you style rooms for photo shoots?

GAILLARD: That's what I do, yes.

EISENBERG: That's an amazing job. So I love paint colors, all the crazy, you know, names that they try to give these colors to get people interested. What is the 'in' color right now?

GAILLARD: Pale avocado.

EISENBERG: Pale avocado. I understand 'cause normal avocado is a little much. Right, that is just blaring off the walls.

GAILLARD: No. Pale is romantic.

EISENBERG: Pale is romantic. Mmm. Kind of soupy green. I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right, so this is a game called Happy And You Know It. Jonathan, what is this about?

COULTON: Well I'm sure everyone remembers the children's song that teaches you that if you are happy and you are also aware of that fact, you should demonstrate that by clapping your hands.

EISENBERG: Right, it separates the paxal (ph) people from the riddling (ph) people.

COULTON: That is right.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: That's right. If you are sad, do not clap your hands.

EISENBERG: You don't, you just don't even bother.

COULTON: There is no reason to clap your hands if you are sad. So In this game we're going to give you clues to things, and I'm going to sing you those clues to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It." Because I was a music major in college, I can do this. So Ophira, we're going to try this one out to demonstrate to them. See if you can guess what this is.

(Singing) If you're a mammal and you know it, clap your hands. If you're from Africa and you know it, clap your hands. If your long neck is the key to eating leaves up in a tree.

EISENBERG: It's the example, but I'm glad you're excited and enthusiastic.

(LAUGHTER)

DALLAL: The only answer I'll know.

EISENBERG: Yoh! You sell yourself short, Mary. The - answer this one and you get to sing it. If I'm a giraffe and I know it, clap my hands. (clapping) Yes.

COULTON: Yes, that's right.

EISENBERG: All right, so contestants, you're going to ring in when you know the answer, but Jonathan will likely keep playing because it's very difficult to stop a happy man. And you'll need to ring in and, yes, sing the answer as the last line. Audience, you will not be singing along, I know you'll want to, but you may clap. Please clap. And then after each ditty, we'll both ask you a follow-up question. Either of you can ring it for it, about whatever I feel like. Are you ready?

GAILLARD: Yes.

EISENBERG: Excellent.

COULTON: (Singing) If you're a hairstyle and you know it, clap your hands. If you're shaved on either side, clap your hands. If it's in a line and not a chunk, and you tell folks you're really punk.

GAILLARD: If you're a Mohawk and you know it, clap your hands.

EISENBERG: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

CHANESKI: Correct.

EISENBERG: So when we're talking about Mohawks, the first person that should spring to mind, if you're a certain age, is the former "A-Team" star Mr T.

GAILLARD: Oh.

EISENBERG: OK, relax.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: You don't know what the question is yet. A little bell crazy right now.

COULTON: You get a little - a little torqued up on stage, that happens.

EISENBERG: Mr T had a short-lived reality show in which he travelled across America giving motivational advice. What was the name of the show, which was named after his famous catchphrase?

No, you want me to go to the audience?

CHANESKI: Well.

EISENBERG: Both say no? All right, audience.

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBERS: "I Pity The Fool."

EISENBERG: "I Pity The Fool".

GAILLARD: Oh yeah.

COULTON: (Singing) If you're a dessert and you know it, clap your hands. If you're ricotta-based and you know it, clap your hands. More valued than a gun, in a mobster's hit and run.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I believe that was Mary Rose.

DALLAL: If I'm a cannoli and you know it clap your hands.

EISENBERG: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

CHANESKI: Yes, a cannoli.

DALLAL: I didn't get the last one.

EISENBERG: Oh my god, I wish when people at the ricotta-based and you know it clap your hands, I wish everyone really was ricotta-based, wouldn't that be amazing?

COULTON: Oh, what - what a wonderful world it would be.

DALLAL: Ricotto, ricotto.

EISENBERG: OK. All right Brooklyn.

CHANESKI: You know she's from Brooklyn, that's right. [Unintelligible] No, OK.

EISENBERG: Oh, is this where you guys pretend you're Italian?

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Cannolis came to us from Italy, specifically the island of Sicily. Another popular Italian dessert is Neapolitan ice cream, named after the city of Naples. What are the three traditional flavors found in Neapolitan ice cream? Brice.

COULTON: Brice.

GAILLARD: Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.

COULTON: Yes.

EISENBERG: Correct.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: (Singing) If you're an office supply, and you know it, clap your hands. If you make copies and you know it, clap your hands. If your ink has lost its base, it's this cartridge you'll replace. Brice.

GAILLARD: If you're a Xerox machine and you know it, clap your hands. Laser printer.

COULTON: No. One answer at a time please. Mary Rose?

DALLAL: If you're a drum and you know it clap your hands.

EISENBERG: What?

DALLAL: A drum.

EISENBERG: A drum. Yeah, I know where you're going. I know where you're going.

COULTON: Can't do it. Shall we try the audience again?

EISENBERG: Yeah, unfortunately that is not the answer we're looking for. Audience, do you have an idea?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Toner.

EISENBERG: Toner. Toner.

COULTON: Sing it.

EISENBERG: If you're...

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBERS: ... a toner and you know it clap your hands.

CHANESKI: Thank you.

COULTON: Sounds beautiful, audience.

EISENBERG: Toner. Both the contestants...

CHANESKI: That's one point for the audience.

EISENBERG: Both the contestants are looking at me right now like, no.

COULTON: No. [Unintelligible] like this.

EISENBERG: No, no toner. In the 1999 movie "Office Space," three disgruntled cubicle jockeys take a laser printer outside and destroy it with a baseball bat. One of them is also angry because he has the same name as what popular soft rock singer? Mmm, contestants unsure. Thinking. Marie Rose says no. Brice?

DALLAL: She needs a minute.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Thanks Mary Rose.

CHANESKI: Brice.

GAILLARD: Andy Gibb?

EISENBERG: Andy Gibb.

CHANESKI: Hey, she took a guess.

EISENBERG: I like that, that's a good guess.

CHANESKI: She took a wrong guess, but she took a guess.

EISENBERG: Audience.

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Michael Bolton

EISENBERG: Michael Bolton. Yeah, well, there you go. The fact that you didn't know that is not bad.

COULTON: (Singing) If you're an organ and you know it, clap your hands. Be careful, If you're in a pair and you know it clap your hands. If your neighbor is the spleen and you're also a type of bean.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANESKI: Brice.

GAILLARD: If you're a kidney and you know it clap your hands.

CHANESKI: Yes, kidney.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: And if your neighbor is a spleen, you have the worst neighbor ever, that is a loud venting neighbor. What Steven Sondheim musical features Mrs. Lovett's highly suspect version of steak and kidney pies? Contestants, not sure? No. All right, audience?

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Sweeney Todd.

EISENBERG: Sweeney Todd. Yes, OK, that's [unintelligible]. We got a couple more for you.

COULTON: (Singing) If you're plastic and you know it, clap your hands, If you're an odd utensil and you know it clap your hands. If you look just like a fork, that has eaten too much pork.

CHANESKI: Brice?

GAILLARD: If you're a spork and you know it, clap your hands.

CHANESKI: Yes, spork is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Now the word spork is a portmanteau word; a combination of the words spoon and fork. What trademark invention is a portmanteau of the French words for velvet and hook, which is a good description of the product? It's a combination of the French words for velvet and hook.

COULTON: The old velvet hook, they used to call it.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Back in the day.

COULTON: Back in the day.

EISENBERG: Just have to do things with that.

COULTON: What's that, the old velvet hook?

EISENBERG: Brice.

CHANESKI: Brice.

GAILLARD: Velcro?

CHANESKI: Yes, Velcro.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: All right, what do we have here? OK, turns out our winner for this round is Brice. Congratulations.

CHANESKI: Congratulations Brice.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: You will be moving on for Ask Me One More final round coming up at the end of the show. Mary Rose, you're a fantastic competitor. We love having you on. Big round of applause for Mary Rose.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Congratulations.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG "I FEEL FANTASTIC")

COULTON: (Singing) Get up early when the sleeping pill wakes me. Take a wake up pill and fill with energy. Power on hard and I check my messages, but I don't have any messages. Take a driving pill and head to my car. Drive around a bit 'cause work isn't very far. Call my phone and I check my messages, but I don't have any messages.

(Singing) All I know is driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now. Right now. Right now.

EISENBERG: Jonathan Coulton.

(APPLAUSE)

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