Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: The Olympic DeleGAYtion, Mooning The USA, None a Day.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, Tennessee, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl, thank you, thank you very much, as they say down here. It's a - we're so glad to be here. It's a great show for you today. We Carla Thomas, the Queen of Memphis Soul, with us later.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But we are also so proud to be here in Memphis, Tennessee, which according to a study that came out just this week, women in Memphis, and only the women, drink more than any other city in America. This is true.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And according to another survey of Memphis women this week, you're super hot and what's your name?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So we know y'all are ready to really enjoy our show. For the rest of you out there in sober America, give us a call, the number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

CHARLES DIETLEIN: Hi Peter, this is Charles Dietlein from Bethesda, Maryland.

SAGAL: Bethesda, Maryland.

DIETLEIN: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You people are so drunk already.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was all the drunk women going Bethesda, yay, Bethesda. How are things in Bethesda?

DIETLEIN: They're not bad at all.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it.

ROY BLOUNT, JR.: That's their slogan, I believe, in Bethesda.

SAGAL: Bethesda, not bad at all.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Charles.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: You're going to get letters.

SAGAL: Yeah, well, let me introduce you to our panel this week, Charles. First up, its humorist and author most recently of "Alphabetter Juice, the Joy of Text," it's Roy Blount Jr. right here.

(APPLAUSE)

JR.: Hi.

SAGAL: Next, it's one of the women behind the Washington Post's Reliable Source column, Roxanne Roberts.

(APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: Hello.

DIETLEIN: Hi Roxanne.

SAGAL: And finally a humorist, author and blogger at CarTalk.com, it is Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hello, Charles.

SAGAL: Charles, welcome to the show. You're going Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell of course is going to re-create for you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to play?

DIETLEIN: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: It's big gay middle finger to Vladimir Putin.

SAGAL: That was White House Correspondent Sam Stein talking about a delegation President Obama is sending to what big event in February?

DIETLEIN: The Olympics.

SAGAL: Yes, the Olympics.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Vladimir Putin, czar of All The Russias, recently came out - against gay people. And with Russia hosting the Winter Olympics, which has such very gay events as figure skating and neighborhood gentrifying, this is proving awkward. So how is the U.S. retaliating?

We are launching a intercontinental gay missile. This week President Obama named his delegation to the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, and it is as gay as the ski jump is high.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You've got Billy Jean King, you've got Brian Boitano, who just came out as gay this week, quelle surprise. And to top it all off, instead of attending the games himself, the president is sending drag queen versions of his senior administration officials.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mr. Putin, I'd like you to meet Barack Omama and Ho Biden.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this - I mean, this is such a great way to have a global conflict, right? We used to fight each other by stockpiling nuclear weapons. So now we're sending over gay athletes. Putin will retaliate by sending back cast members of "Duck Dynasty."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Meanwhile, Iran claims that all their gays are for peaceful purposes.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Wait, didn't they used to claim that they didn't have any homosexuals?

SAGAL: Yeah, they did, but now, of course, you know...

BODETT: Well, they said they'd stop production, but nobody believed it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your next quote.

KASELL: The Jade Rabbit has landed in the Bay of Rainbows.

SAGAL: So that sentence could one day join the Eagle has landed in the history of exploration now that China has successfully made a landing where?

DIETLEIN: On the moon.

SAGAL: On the moon, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This week the Chinese Space Agency landed a robotic probe on the moon called Yutu, named for their favorite band back when they were in college. Actually, no, Yutu in Chinese means jade rabbit, that is a figure from Chinese folklore, as well as the most popular stripper in Beijing's Little Red Lounge.

(LAUGHTER)

JR.: What was that headline again?

SAGAL: It was the Jade Rabbit has landed in the Bay of Rainbows because it is actually - the Jade Rabbit is the name of the probe.

JR.: That's a headline. You know what the headline of the (unintelligible) was in Vermont on Monday?

SAGAL: What?

JR.: It was car crashes into Hogback gift shop. I cut it out because when you see a headline like that, you just ask what's on Page 2. But I like - Jade Rabbits lands in the...

SAGAL: Yeah, actually it landed on the moon in a structure, you know, known as the Bay of Rainbows. So there you are. The probe is supposed to be on the moon exploring the Bay of Rainbows for three months, which will give it enough time to start two electronics factories.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Which despite being 230,000 miles away on an airless rock will still be a cheaper place for Apple to build their iPhones.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your last quote.

KASELL: Enough Is Enough: Stop Wasting Money.

SAGAL: That was the title of medical journal article saying that what, in the end, doesn't make you any healthier?

DIETLEIN: Multivitamins.

SAGAL: Multivitamins, yes, that's exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All those multivitamins, the $30 billion worth that Americans swallow every year, all totally useless. You might as well have eaten the money you spent on them. At least then you could gain the powers of all those dead presidents. Courage of Washington, chins of Franklin.

JR.: This is such great news. It freed up an entire cupboard in my kitchen.

SAGAL: Really?

JR.: Yes.

SAGAL: Did you...?

JR.: I can't wait to get home.

ROBERTS: Yeah, the only ones I'm going to miss are the Flintstones vitamins.

SAGAL: Yeah, this is a terrible thing for the Flintstones.

ROBERTS: Because they were cute.

JR.: So is it only the multivitamins, or is it like multivitamin...?

SAGAL: Well basically, yeah. I mean, for example, to take an example, a lot of people swear by these Vitamin C supplements, 500 milligrams of Vitamin C every day. But the thing is your body can only process so much Vitamin C or any of these things. The rest, it just - well, basically, you just pee it out. So you're just taking all these vitamins and putting them down the toilet. That, by the way, though, is why your toilet never has a cold.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Which is good because you don't want it to sneeze. Carl, how did Charles do on our quiz?

KASELL: Charles, you're a winner, three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your home answering machine or voicemail.

SAGAL: Well done, Charles.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

DIETLEIN: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: We want to remind everyone they join us most weeks back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Illinois. For tickets and more information go to wbez.org, or you can find a link at our website, waitwait.npr.org. Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Roy.

JR.: Yeah.

SAGAL: According to new research from Oxford, England, laughter is not the best medicine. In fact, laugher can cause what?

JR.: Rickets, I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

JR.: Laughter can cause - I don't know what the Latin term is but when you all of a sudden realize you just are being too silly. What do you call that?

SAGAL: Is there a Latin term for that?

JR.: There's probably a Latin term for it, sillinessimus.

SAGAL: Let me give you a hint.

JR.: Oh, a hint, yeah.

SAGAL: Help, I've fallen down laughing and I can't get up.

JR.: Oh of course, you can break a bone by - you can lose your balance and fall flat on your back, and you're wiggling and yelling and hollering, and...

ROBERTS: Maybe could you - like a rib. You could maybe injure yourself.

SAGAL: You can yes...

JR.: Take a rib, you're getting ribbed, you can tickle your ribs, tickle your funny bone, tickle your (unintelligible). If your (unintelligible) get over-tickled, the get - they turn in on you, and your (unintelligible) start working their way up into your ribcage, and then they hook on to your actual sternum and snatch it out of your chest.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Actually, close enough. The answer we were looking for is serious injuries, specifically...

BODETT: That qualifies.

SAGAL: Specifically and most dangerously a torn gullet. Now don't laugh because you'll die.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But according to a new joint study from British scientists, laughter can cause a variety of serious ailments, including torn gullets, epileptic fits, heart ruptures, asthma attacks, incontinence, incontinence, hernias, the lowering of blood sugar and loss of taste.

BODETT: We knew about the incontinence, but...

SAGAL: And the loss of taste.

BODETT: What exactly - yeah, exactly. What is a gullet? Where is your gullet?

SAGAL: Your gullet is your throat.

BODETT: Oh, the whole throat?

JR.: Oh, I thought it was a little sea bird.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You love going down to the shore and watching the gullets pecking at the sand.

BODETT: Down your gullet.

JR.: I don't think there's anything at all wrong about laughing until you wet your pants. I mean, you can - you want to put a dirty word on it, call it incontinence, I call it a good time.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Support for NPR comes from NPR stations, and: The International Rescue Committee, at work in the Philippines and worldwide to help those uprooted by war and disaster, it's not charity, it's humanity at Rescue.org; Saint Jude Children's Research Hospital, dedicated to finding cures and to saving children's lives, learn more at SaintJude.org; and Pimsleur Language Programs, offering tools to record an answering machine greeting in 50 languages, learn more at Pimsleur.com.

we'll be back in a minute, with more of WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! from NPR.

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