Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Bridge of Troubled Watergate Week 2; A-Fraud; L'affair du Scooter.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you so much, Carl. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We've got a great show for you today. Later on, historian Doris Kearns Goodwin will be joining us. She's got another book out in her blockbuster series about American Presidents who are really vampires.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Fighting other presidents who are Werewolves. The latest is Roosevelt versus Taft, and for the record, we're team Teddy. But first, declare your allegiance for Team Carl. You can give us a call, the number is 1-888-Wait Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, welcome WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

MAX ROCKATANSKY: Hi, Peter, this is Max.

SAGAL: Hey, Max. How are you?

P.J. O'ROURKE: Hi, Max.

ROCKATANSKY: I'm doing great.

SAGAL: Where are you calling from, Max?

ROCKATANSKY: Beautiful Sterling, Connecticut.

SAGAL: Sterling, Connecticut. I think I've been there. What do you do there in Sterling?

ROCKATANSKY: Well actually, I'm a retired Special Forces Army person that's now a machinist.

SAGAL: Wait a minute, you were Special Forces Army? You were a Green Beret?

ROCKATANSKY: Yes.

SAGAL: So like you could kill me probably through the telephone lines.

ROCKATANSKY: I like you too much.

LUKE BURBANK: Yeah, you sound so nice. Don't you guys like chew lightning and crap thunder?

ROCKATANSKY: We're not supposed to talk about it publicly.

SAGAL: I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well Max, pleasure to meet you. Welcome to our show. Let me introduce you first to a humorist and author most recently of "The Baby Boom," in your bookstores now, Mr. P.J. O'Rourke.

O'ROURKE: Hi Max.

SAGAL: Next it's the woman behind the syndicated advice column Ask Amy, Amy Dickinson.

AMY DICKINSON: Hey, hey Max.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally the host of Livewire and the world famous podcast, "Too Beautiful to Live," it's Luke Burbank.

(APPLAUSE)

BURBANK: Heya, Max.

SAGAL: So Max, you're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is now going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine! You ready to play?

ROCKATANSKY: I am, sir.

SAGAL: Here we go. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: Mistakes were clearly made.

SAGAL: That was somebody who's still apologizing for whoever made those mistakes in New Jersey. Who is it?

ROCKATANSKY: Chris Christie.

SAGAL: Exactly right, Chris Christie, very good, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In Week Two of what everybody's calling BridgeGate, but we prefer to call BridgePot Dome...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Things are only getting worse for Governor Christie. The investigations multiplied; stories came out of other acts of vengeance against local mayors. Worst of all: Christie was mocked by the person we know he admires most in the world: Bruce Springsteen. This is true. He's a huge Bruce fan.

The Boss went on the Jimmy Fallon show and sang a parody of "Born to Run" about the traffic jam. In response, Governor Christie ran to his room and started furiously erasing all the Mr. Chris Springsteens he had written on his old notebooks.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Still wondering how this story plays out in the rest of the country. You know, New Jersey has a traffic jam.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Shock horror.

BURBANK: But the thing about traffic is that I do think it's relatable because wherever you live in the country, just about, you get stuck in traffic. And traffic is one of those things, Traffic is like having diarrhea, when it's happening to you, it's all you can think about, and nobody else gets how bad it is for you in the moment.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: And yet when it's happening to somebody else, it's kind of comic.

SAGAL: Yeah, and of course nobody else really wants to hear about it, Luke. That's another thing.

BURBANK: My point exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, on that note, Max here is your next quote:

KASELL: I think that Major League Baseball has done me a big favor because I've been playing for 20 years without a timeout.

SAGAL: That was someone talking about how much he's going to enjoy taking 2014 off from his job. He doesn't have a choice. He's been thrown out after he was caught doping. Who was it?

ROCKATANSKY: Oh gosh, it's not A-Rod?

SAGAL: It is A-Rod. Why wouldn't it be A-Rod? Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: Because we suspect about 2,000 other baseball players are doping is why it might not be A-Rod.

SAGAL: But he's the one in the news this week.

BURBANK: Side note, if you want to know how much he doped, it's the guy who doesn't even know any baseball players' names just picked A-Rod.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: But you know what I love about his...?

SAGAL: What do you love?

DICKINSON: He just said, you know, hey, this is great. I have a year off. And he's a guy who sees the syringe as half-full.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: He's got a nice attitude.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Let this be a lesson to all of you aspiring athletes out there: Do not use drugs because after making $200 million, you might be forced to sit by the pool for a year before getting $50 million more. We also got this week to see all the evidence that had been established against him that he'd been using drugs. Major League Baseball said look, here's the guy who testifies that he provided A-Rod with performance-enhancing drugs for years. And A-Rod's response: Hey, you can't believe that guy. He's my drug dealer.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One of the interesting things about this is it wasn't just drugs administered in such a way to increase performance but to evade testing. And so what would happen is - and they had this. They had endless texts between the drug guy, this guy named Bosch, and A-Rod, saying take this now, take this then. And one of the tests, this is true, Bosch says OK, I've got the drugs for you for today's game. And A-Rod texts back, and he says dude, do not call them drugs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey says we call them food, right, for plausible deniability. And Bosch is like OK, great, A-Rod. Hey, in about half an hour, I'll be over to inject your food into your butt.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: I mean, when - getting into the evidence, I mean, what the governmental body looking into it is saying this trumps Lance Armstrong in terms of...

O'ROURKE: Right, which is saying something.

BURBANK: Like when Lance Armstrong is like whoa, dude...

O'ROURKE: You're overdoing it.

SAGAL: You did what?

O'ROURKE: That's kind of cheating.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Yeah, when you've got Lance Armstrong saying that, you are in trouble.

SAGAL: Max, here is your last quote.

KASELL: L'Amour Secret du President.

SAGAL: That was the headline on the French tabloid Closer, revealing whose secret affair?

ROCKATANSKY: I have no idea.

SAGAL: It has to do with a president, and it's in French. Does that help at all?

ROCKATANSKY: I don't even know who the current president of France is, they seem to be changing so much.

SAGAL: I know. They just keep coming up with new ones. It is President Hollande of France. This is - he was caught in an affair. Now you may have thought that it is part of the political culture of France that the president is always allowed to have affairs.

ROCKATANSKY: Indeed.

SAGAL: It's right there in the constitution of the French Republic. It's like, you know, liberte, egalite, boote.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this is the great thing. So he never married the girlfriend he had when he became president. Now he's got another girlfriend he was cheating on the prior girlfriend with, and nobody knows who the first lady of France is. This is true. He said I'll let you know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know how Air Force One is whatever plane the American president happens to be riding on? Same with the French first lady.

BURBANK: Did you see also how he was caught going to the apartment in question, the love nest?

SAGAL: He was apparently - this is how he did it, he's so sneaky. He rode on the back on a three-wheeled Peugeot scooter with a helmet on.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: That's great.

BURBANK: And they recognized him because...

O'ROURKE: Was his Segue out of...?

BURBANK: He rode a Segue up, and then his mistress immediately said no.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: No, but they recognized his shoes because he kept the helmet on when he was going into the love nest. But they had footage of his shoes, and then matched those. Like they got the CSI people to - the French CSI isn't as good as ours. They're just good at matching shoes, pretty much.

SAGAL: I hope he eventually took the helmet off. Otherwise it'd be come here, mon amor - ow. Carl, how did Max do on our quiz?

KASELL: Very well, Peter, two correct answers. So Max, I'll be doing the message on your home answering machine or voicemail.

ROCKATANSKY: I'm honored, Carl.

SAGAL: Well done. Thanks for playing, Max, and thanks for your service. Take care.

(APPLAUSE)

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