Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time?

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Trashy Talk, A Sequel to Frozen, Justin Speeder.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much. It's great to be with you all. We have a great show for you today. Good news for those of you are poor: later on we'll be talking to Jim Cramer, he's the host of CNBC's "Mad Money." Now if you haven't watched his show regularly, he is this really frenetic and somewhat loud financial advisor, and on his show he likes to use a lot of sound effects: bells and drums and sirens and stuff. Well, we don't have the budget for that, we're NPR...

(LAUGHTER)

KASELL: So to make him feel at home, we're having Carl fill in.

Ding, ding Whoop-whoop. Aaaa-oooh-gah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We will maintain, though, a respectful silence for you when you talk to us. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

KATIE WALLIS: Hi, my name is Katie Wallis, and I'm from The Dalles, Oregon.

SAGAL: You're from The Dalles, Oregon?

WALLIS: Yes, the is part of the name.

SAGAL: I've always wanted - I mean, it sounds so cool to have a place with a the in front of it. It's like a castle in "Game of Thrones." It's awesome.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Katie let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, let's say hello to a comedian and the host at vocalo.org here in Chicago, Mr. Brian Babylon is here.

(APPLAUSE)

BRIAN BABYLON: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

SAGAL: And next up comedienne and the head writer for "Inside Amy Schumer," it is Jessi Klein.

(APPLAUSE)

JESSI KLEIN: Hi.

SAGAL: And making his debut on WAIT WAIT, it's a comedian performing February 21st at the Barrymore Theater in Madison, Wisconsin, we are proud to welcome Mr. Hannibal Burress.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Katie, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

WALLIS: Yes.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: Don't you open your mouth about the best or I'm going to shut it for you real quick.

SAGAL: That was a man named Richard Sherman humbly and graciously reacting to the fact his football team, the Seattle Seahawks, is going to go where?

WALLIS: To the Super Bowl.

SAGAL: To the Super Bowl, yes, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Richard Sherman won the game for his team, the Seattle Seahawks, with a fantastic play. And then he came off the field for a TV interview and totally trash-talked the guy he just beat. People were outraged. Who ever knew that professional football players could be so aggressive?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I always thought they were like oh goodnesss, I'm so sorry I broke your leg. Here let me bend down to you and gently kiss it.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I wish - you know what? I wish Congress did that. I wish they would pass a bill and then just trash-talk and then just spike stuff and go crazy.

KLEIN: I feel like they do that.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I feel like that is what they do.

SAGAL: So this is interesting. The Seattle Seahawks, they're from Washington state, they're going to be playing in the Super Bowl, the Denver Broncos, Washington state, Colorado. Those are the two states that just legalized recreational marijuana.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh yeah, you don't clap for the teams; you clap for the pot, OK. And by amazing coincidence, their teams are going to the Super Bowl. In unrelated news, the city of Cleveland, Ohio, just passed a law legalizing smoking whatever the hell you want.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: No more Cleveland jokes.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: They're trying so hard. They try so hard in Cleveland.

KLEIN: Do they?

BABYLON: Yeah, they try.

KLEIN: Sure.

HANNIBAL BURRESS: All right, well, no Cleveland jokes. Let's switch our energy to Peoria.

(LAUGHTER)

BURRESS: And I feel bad about that, too.

SAGAL: That's why we can't trash-talk on public radio. It's the instant regret. No, it's like no, we're the weak ones.

BURRESS: You know what it is? It's the microphones. If we had handheld mics, we would talk a lot of trash.

SAGAL: Right, we have these headsets with the mics attached. It kind of makes it harder to trash-talk.

BURRESS: If we had handheld mics, I would talk a lot of trash.

SAGAL: Really, now why - I'm curious because you work with a handheld - you're a standup. Is this like - what is this, is this like a weapon thing?

BURRESS: Yeah, if the joke goes bad, I could throw it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your next quote.

KASELL: Complain all you want, but it is going to make us all skinnier.

SAGAL: That was somebody in Healthy Living Magazine, looking for the bright side of what?

WALLIS: Can I have a clue?

SAGAL: Well, everybody, at least on the East Coast or the Upper Midwest, is complaining about it.

WALLIS: Oh, the winter storm?

SAGAL: Yes, the next - the latest winter storm.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Two weeks ago, the Polar Vortex came, and everybody was saying, well this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, the weather to end all weather, the apocalypse. Now it's back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But here is the good news. And this is what the quote was about. A new study suggests that staying cold for long periods of time activates your, quote, brown fat. This is different from your regular pasty white fat. Brown fat, this is true, actually burns energy like little furnaces.

BABYLON: That sounds like something they do in, like, Norway or Finland or something. I don't have time for that. I mean, well, I'm thinking of like my new tricks to stay warm because - and I'm from here, and anything under 40 degrees in my community is freezing.

SAGAL: In your community, 40 degrees is freezing?

BABYLON: Yeah, African-American, blacks, whatever. Anything under 40 degrees is like oh, no.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: So I spoke about this product before, yoga pants, and I don't...

SAGAL: Yoga pants.

BABYLON: Women's yoga pants. I don't wear long johns, I wear women's yoga pants, first of all.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: You're wearing women's yoga pants?

BABYLON: Right now.

KLEIN: Like a pair of Lululemons under your pants?

BABYLON: Actually they are Lululemons, yeah.

KLEIN: No they're not.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I don't know if they paid for that, but I'm going to tell you why. It's they don't itch me like long johns, and they make my ass look great.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I'm going to tell you, I've been late to work so many times.

SAGAL: Why are you late to work?

BABYLON: Because I can't stop looking at myself.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I have to know how you discovered this because there had to have been a really uncomfortable first time.

BABYLON: Right, the first time I - well, it wasn't an accident. I was over at someone's house.

KLEIN: No, I'm sure it wasn't.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I took their yoga pants, she's a tall young lady, I took her yoga pants. I was like wow, these feel great. Then I put my pants on top of it, and it was warm. I was like this is delivering. And then I've never looked back.

(LAUGHTER)

BURRESS: Hey, you know they make yoga pants for dudes, too, right?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: Oh yeah.

KLEIN: Actually, like Lululemon makes them, yeah, for dudes.

BABYLON: They do, don't they?

SAGAL: Katie, this is your last quote. It is a tweet from a fan of a big pop star.

KASELL: What's wrong with this government, arresting beautiful innocent people?

SAGAL: That fan couldn't believe that her idol got arrested for drag racing while under the influence. Who was it?

WALLIS: Was it Justin Bieber?

SAGAL: It was Justin Bieber.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh, the humanity. Justin Bieber was arrested for drag racing down a residential street in Miami. He was driving a Lamborghini, his friend was in a Ferrari, and afterwards, sobriety tests revealed he was under the influence of alcohol, pot, pills and Strawberry GoGurt.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: You know, I don't like to bash on the Biebs. Is that what the kids call him?

BURRESS: Yeah, they call him that. You know, if I was 19, and I had access to a Lamborghini, there would probably some time where I'd do some drug drag-racing, too.

(LAUGHTER)

BURRESS: And they closed off the street. Nobody mentions that. So it was contained.

SAGAL: He had his sort of entourage in their SUVs close off the street at both ends because they were being safe.

BURRESS: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Safety first.

SAGAL: Safety first. But it is true. I mean, everybody's like oh, Justin Bieber is getting in trouble. Justin Bieber is screwing up pretty much the same way we all screwed up when we were that age. He's 19, right. But he has the resources to screw up spectacularly.

BABYLON: And that's so Canadian, the Canadian courtesy to block off the streets, so just - it is so Canadian.

KLEIN: I find that Justin Bieber, with every passing month, looks more and more like Hilary Swank, and I feel like it has...

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: If you go home, look at the mug shot. I don't - have we seen them in the same place recently?

He's a beautiful woman, too.

SAGAL: He is, he's a beautiful...

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: He's a stunning woman.

SAGAL: He's a beautiful young Canadian boy-woman, and he needs to get it straightened out. Carl, how did Katie do on our quiz?

KASELL: Katie, you had three correct answers. So I'll be doing the voicemail message on your answering machine or voicemail.

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

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