Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Allstate of the Union, Nightmare on Peachtree Street, Games and Gaiety.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here is your host, at Mandel Hall on the campus of the University of Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl, thank you everybody. Thank you. We are delighted to be at the University of Chicago. Now you might ask: Why in the world are we doing our show at this fine august institution of higher learning? Frankly, it was the only way any of us could get in.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on we're talking to faculty member and dinosaur hunter Paul Sereno. He is often called the real-life Indiana Jones. This is only half right: Indiana Jones was an archeologist, not a paleontologist, although Paul Sereno has melted a bunch of Nazis.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So there's that, but first, we want to hear from you. Give us a call and try to win something even more precious than a Velociraptor skeleton, Carl Kasell's voice. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

JOE PLATT: Hi, it's Joe from New Orleans, Louisiana.

SAGAL: Hey, Joe, how are you?

PLATT: I'm terrific.

SAGAL: I'm glad. What do you do in that beautiful city of New Orleans?

PLATT: I'm a junior here at Tulane University.

SAGAL: Tulane, another fine institution of higher learning. And what are you studying?

PLATT: I'm majoring in political science and history.

SAGAL: Oh really?

MO ROCCA: He probably wants to go into history.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you're one of those guys who's really ambitious and wants to be a historian, right?

PLATT: Oh, yeah, I'm just going to write a whole bunch of books.

SAGAL: Climb your way up the greasy poll to the heights of historical power. I can see that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Joe. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "My Grandmother's Ravioli" on the Cooking Channel, it is Mo Rocca is here.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Hi Joe.

PLATT: How are you doing?

SAGAL: Next a man who needs no introduction but insists he get one anyway, Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hello, Joe.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and a woman on the move, it's Faith Salie.

BODETT: Hi Joe.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And just so you know, she's actually moving around the stage. I don't know why she's doing that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Joe, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Of course Carl Kasell will once again start us off with three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to go?

PLATT: I am.

SAGAL: All right, let's do it. Here is your first quote:

KASELL: Google, Ford, Apple, Microsoft, Sprint, Verizon, Costco, Punch Pizza and "Mad Men."

SAGAL: Those companies, plus one TV show must have paid an pretty penny to get mentioned in a big speech this week. What was the speech?

PLATT: It was Obama's State of the Union.

SAGAL: It was indeed the State of the Union, yes, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Reflecting the dire economic state of the country, this was the first State of the Union Speech with paid product placements. Not only did he mention those companies, he actually praised the Ford F-150 as, quote, the bestselling truck in America. Then he took a picture with his iPad, mopped his brow with a Slanket.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He said, quote, the bad news is that our recovery is not complete; the good news is that I saved 15 percent on my car insurance.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I just need to say he would've wiped his brow with a Shamwow. I think a Slanket is an alternative to the - what was it called, remember the Snuggie.

SAGAL: It's a Snuggie.

ROCCA: So it's actually - he would've warmed himself up.

FAITH SALIE: The Shamwow is more absorbent, right, yeah.

SAGAL: Shamwow did not pony up the bucks, so it was the Slanket, yeah.

SALIE: I loved the mention of "Mad Men." I was hoping he would drop references to other cult TV shows like "Breaking Bad." Like he could say, you know, because of my health care initiative, there's a high school chemistry teacher in Albuquerque, New Mexico, who doesn't have to cook crystal meth to get his health care.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: "Breaking Bad," my...

SAGAL: We've avoided the internecine warfare you see on "Game of Thrones."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The president's agenda seemed really small this time. He has more or less gave up on trying to do things with Congress. He'll be acting alone, he says, through executive action. Basically, he is breaking up the band, going to pursue a solo career playing smooth jazz.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: His first step was to replace Joe Biden as vice president with Yoko Ono.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: My TV had a hard time handling the whole picture because in back is John Boehner, who's so deeply stained at this point, and then those white, white teeth on Joe Biden. It was very ebony and ivory back there.

SAGAL: I mean, everybody knows that nothing he actually asks Congress to do they will do. It's just not going to happen. So basically the only pleasure he gets is just putting in enough applause lines at the appropriate moments that they're constantly getting up and getting out all these people, these old guys, getting up, getting down. It's like an exercise class at a nursing home.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Joe, yyour next quote is a tweet from the Mayor of Atlanta:

KASELL: Atlanta, we are ready for the snow.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Good twang, Carl, good twang. That was Mayor Kasim Reed of Atlanta. He tweeted this on Tuesday even though his city was not what?

PLATT: Was not ready at all for the snowstorm.

SAGAL: Not ready at all.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A huge storm dumped snow and ice all over the South, caused what is being described as the biggest traffic jam in the history of the world in Atlanta. It stranded people for an entire day in their cars on in their schools or places of work. Atlanta looked like eerily like it did in the TV show "The Walking Dead," deserted, frozen, except without the zombies because even the zombies were stuck in traffic out in Marietta.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I'm telling you, Chris Christie, he's got a long reach.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well that's what happened. That's what they said, you know.

(APPLAUSE)

SALIE: In a stroke of genius, the governor, Nathan Deal, declared next week Severe Weather Awareness Week.

SAGAL: Really?

ROCCA: Is that right?

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: This is true, yeah.

SAGAL: How - if you've been absolutely paralyzed and crippled by a storm, and next week you have to have awareness. It's like what's the awareness session? Hey guys, remember last week? That sucked. That was terrible. Here's the thing, though. This is - and this is I think unprecedented for our show. This is the third week in a row we've started the show with a story about the weather.

And so this show, WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, is now officially calling for action on climate change because we are running out of weather jokes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good, Joe. Here is your last quote:

KASELL: Hot. Cool. Yours.

SAGAL: That's the official motto of what big international event that starts next Friday?

PLATT: Is it the Winter Olympics?

SAGAL: The Winter Olympics, yes, in Sochi, Russia, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Seriously, that's the motto?

SAGAL: Hot, cool, yours.

ROCCA: Hot, cool, yours?

SAGAL: You know what happened, they were working on the slogan, they had something great, and then Putin walks in and goes it's hot, cool, yours, done.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But good news...

ROCCA: Hot, cool, yours. Sounds kind of gay.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well good news, everyone going to the Sochi Olympics, listen up. The mayor of Sochi has declared his town to be completely free of homosexuals. Now people have been saying what's wrong with this guy. He may be a bigot. But what if, perfectly nice man, he just has terrible gaydar?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He walks around town, you know, taking in the day. It's like whoa, that guy must really like to work out. And look, that guy ran out of leather when he was making his pants.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: Remember when there were no gay people in Iran? I mean, there are gay bars in Tehran. Thursday night at Guyatollah's.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Rim shot, please.

BODETT: Does anybody remember what the motto of the last Winter Olympics was? I don't even remember...

SALIE: I think it was hot, cool, mine.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Baby, it's cold outside.

SAGAL: Remember it was in Vancouver, Canada, so it was like oh, it should be good.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SALIE: Tune in, see what it's all about.

ROCCA: Oh no, we don't want a gold medal. You can have it.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Joe do on our quiz?

KASELL: Joe, you had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your voicemail or home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well done, Joe.

PLATT: Excellent, thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

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