Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Uh-Oh-Lympics, The Social Anniversary, Last Night.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. We've got a great show for you today. Music historian Peter Guralnick will be joining us to play our games later on. But first in the spirit of the week, we wanted to start this show with a big opening ceremony showcasing the history and culture of WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!. So we worked on it. We had our researchers doing it, and it turns out our history boils down to 600 fart jokes and Carl imitating Britney Spears.

(LAUGHTER)

KASELL: Hit me baby, one more time.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's pretty much it. So having dispensed with that, let the games begin. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924, and win the prize that's better than gold, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. Let us welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!.

ROBIN LEVINS: Hello, this is Robin Levins in Austin, Texas.

SAGAL: Hello, Robin, how are you?

LEVINS: I'm splendid. How about yourself?

SAGAL: I'm fine. I haven't come across many men named Robin.

LEVINS: Actually named after my dad.

SAGAL: I understand. And what do you do there in Austin?

LEVINS: I'm a computer programmer, a code monkey.

SAGAL: Really?

LEVINS: Yes indeed.

SAGAL: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I got nothin'. Well welcome to the show, Robin. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a writer for the Washington Post, Ms. Roxanne Roberts is here.

(APPLAUSE)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, Robin. You don't sound the least Texan to me.

LEVINS: Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Next up it's Vermont's finest non-Maple-Syrup-based product, Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hello, Robin.

SAGAL: And next a comedienne performing at the North Shore Music Theater in Beverly, Massachusetts, April 19th, Paula Poundstone.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey Robin.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, Robin, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Carl This time. Of course, Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. Correctly identify or explain two of them. Ready to go?

LEVINS: I am.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: Do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was what a reporter was told about the water in her hotel. Her hotel is one of the many venues apparently not ready for what big event?

LEVINS: That would be the Olympics.

SAGAL: The Sochi Olympics, Yes, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: As the 2014 Winter Games began in Sochi, Russia, the big opening ceremony on Friday revealed the theme of the games this year, it's the Hunger Games.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anybody who survives gets a medal.

BODETT: It does, it makes you proud of our own country, I think, doesn't it, where you can get a clean, comfortable room for the lowest price of any national chain?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here's the crazy thing. These Olympics cost $50 billion. That's more than all prior Winter Olympics combined.

BODETT: Seriously?

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: Yes.

ROBERTS: And they probably spent, what, a couple million on the village?

SAGAL: Apparently when the media arrived in the week leading up to the games, their hotel rooms weren't ready, or they weren't finished, or they weren't working. You heard Carl talking about the water in one hotel. But don't worry, the Russian officials announced they are importing fresh clean water from West Virginia.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: They didn't even take care of their own teams in the past. What are the odds of them taking good care of everyone's teams, you know? It's like when in your neighborhood there is the house where you hear a lot of screaming and, you know, there's beer bottles on the front lawn and stuff. You know, you don't trick-or-treat there. Do you see what I'm saying?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For some reason, so much of this weird news coming out of Sochi has been about toilets. We saw the double toilet, one bathroom in a hotel that appeared to have two chest of drawers where the toilet should be, and then there was one bathroom that appeared to have, facing the toilet, a row of chairs for spectators.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But no, it looks like, as appropriate for the Olympics, it looks like the judges' stand, perfect 2s all around.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Robin, here is your next quote:

KASELL: Wow. So much Grow. Such wow.

SAGAL: That's one of many people commenting on a post by Mark Zuckerberg, celebrating the 10th birthday of what this week?

LEVINS: Facebook.

SAGAL: Yes indeed, Facebook is 10.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And it makes it like wow, where did this decade go? Oh, yeah we wasted the whole thing on Facebook.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's become such a part of our lives the last 10 years, Facebook. Think about all the things we'd be doing if Facebook hadn't been invented, if it didn't exist. You'd be walking up to people, shoving your baby in their face yelling look at him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Like hello, thousand people who I've met at some point in my life, thank you from traveling all over the world to meet in this large auditorium. I just wanted to tell you I had some amazing salmon for lunch.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I'm always - people post about how happy they are and how, you know, little Johnny's doing everything they'd hoped. But I think that if we had to meet and, you know, you could actually see little Johnny, you'd realize, well, you know, yes, but he hates you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you would feel better.

POUNDSTONE: Yes, sadly, that's the kind of person I am. I'm going to be honest. Yes, I would.

ROBERTS: You know, my son told me not to friend him. He wanted that one specter of - so he wanted that one place where he kind of felt like I didn't have, you know, anyway of kind of seeing what his life was like.

POUNDSTONE: I had that. My son asked me to just divide the house and have a key for his side...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And to leave a pile of money by the door.

SAGAL: All right, Robin, here is your last quote.

KASELL: I had an awkward day. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn't get "The Tonight Show" again.

SAGAL: That was somebody joking this week about leaving his job. Who was it?

LEVINS: Jay Leno.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, Jay Leno is...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Once again being fired from "The Tonight Show." Like a lot of people these days, he's losing his job to a robot. From now on, the tonight show will be hosted by a Roomba that can tell Obamacare jokes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The - this is interesting. The Center for Media and Public Affairs actually counted up the jokes Jay Leno has made as host of "The Tonight Show." The divided them by target. It's an amazing trove of data. Jay Leno told 4,607 jokes about Bill Clinton, his favorite target; only 3,239 jokes about George W. Bush; and among celebrities OJ Simpson topped the list, 795. Can you imagine if someone did this to you, counted up your jokes, analyzed them? Well, sir, apparently you've gone with the that's what she said joke 47 times last month, and it's not getting any funnier, sir.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Now what organization did this?

SAGAL: This is the Center for Media and Public Affairs that we saw (unintelligible)...

POUNDSTONE: And how many people work there, do you think?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A bunch.

ROBERTS: Yeah because that is one waste of time, I think.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Actually, I think my long-suffering wife Rita does that with my jokes.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, that she tallies your...?

BODETT: I think so. She - yeah, she gets all my material first, you know, and...

SAGAL: Exception she expresses her data collection by saying that one again.

BODETT: No, what she says is just because I didn't laugh doesn't mean I didn't get it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Robin do on our quiz?

KASELL: Robin had three correct answers, Peter. So I'll be doing the message on his own answering machine or voicemail.

SAGAL: Well done, thank you, sir, congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

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