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Limericks

Carl reads three news-related limericks: Royal Cuisine, Carp-enter, and Hambetter.

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our shows March 20th in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and next week in Phoenix, Arizona. Get your tickets right now, Phoenix or you'll be left outside in the perfect weather!

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

ANGIE RENNICK: Hi, this is Angie from Eugene, Oregon.

SAGAL: Oh, Eugene. How are things there?

RENNICK: It is surprisingly snowy today.

SAGAL: And what do you do there in Eugene?

RENNICK: I mainly home school my kids.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: When you home school your kids, do they have projects?

RENNICK: Yeah, absolutely.

POUNDSTONE: So you assign the project and then you say, but you have to ask me for the supplies?

(LAUGHTER)

RENNICK: Yeah, right.

SAGAL: Do you ever get substitutes? They're like, hi your mother isn't here today. I'm Mr. Johnson.

(LAUGHTER)

RENNICK: That would be nice. That would.

SAGAL: That would be.

TOM BODETT: Yeah.

SAGAL: Angie, welcome to the show. Carl Kasell's going to read you three news-related limericks, with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Ready to go?

RENNICK: I think so.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first limerick.

CARL KASELL: On his sick bed Prince Charles did conclude, to get well one must have the right mood. These biscuits and scuns don't get the job done . We need better hospital...

RENNICK: ...food.

SAGAL: Yes, food.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good. Britain's Prince Charles, heir to the throne, is turning his gaze to the task of improving the world's hospital food. The prince is pushing for local ingredients, silver plated serving dishes and a mandate that jello be eaten with a proper jello spoon.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's the thing, hospital food, it's like Prince Charles is now trying to solve the problems experienced mainly by stand-up comedians. Like, next up, he'd do airplane food and then he's going to try to solve how ladies be crazy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KASELL: We are smart 'cause we travel in schools. We need no thumbs, not like you fools. We get food with a lever because we're so clever. We fish learn to use basic...

RENNICK: ...tools.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A study of Atlantic cod proves we're vastly underestimating the intelligence of fish, and vastly overestimating the intelligence of humans. The fish were observed using their identification tags. They were, you know, had these tags for a study and they were using these tags to pull a string attached to a feeder, which released food into their enclosure. Now that we know fish can use tools, there's really no excuse for the condition of that castle in their aquarium.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: What job would you be in that you're given the assignment of the study of Atlantic cod?

SAGAL: Ichthyologists.

POUNDSTONE: Theologists?

SAGAL: Ichthyologists.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Ichthyologists.

BODETT: Ichthyologists.

POUNDSTONE: What the hell is an ichthyologist? I've never heard of that.

SAGAL: A person who's a scientist who studies fish.

POUNDSTONE: You know, the freaky thing is that all of you knew. You all turned...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Ichthyologists. You know, I have the feeling that I was hit on the head and just was, like, out - unconscious for years at a time.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Because there's no explanation for why you guys know so much more than I do.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Remember the time I didn't know what the kamasutra was?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I'm not sure that at this point I have the smartness to use my ID tag to open a feeder.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KASELL: Sloppy meals are a true first date murder. There's no comeback, and don't blame the server. Just heed rule number one, pinkie under the bun and you'll manage to not spill your...

RENNICK: Oh, help me out, Paula.

POUNDSTONE: What comes on a bun?

(LAUGHTER)

RENNICK: Burger.

SAGAL: Burger, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

RENNICK: Oh, gees.

SAGAL: You've been eating your hamburgers wrong, ladies and gentlemen. After four months a team of Japanese scientists, mechanics and dentists have developed the optimum way to eat a hamburger. This is what you do. I want everybody listening right now to hold up their hands as if they're going to eat a big hamburger. Now, you got all four fingers on top with your thumb on the bottom, like most people.

POUNDSTONE: That's wrong.

SAGAL: Take the pinkie finger and put it under the burger and then you hold it and that keeps - and you all know this phenomenon - you take a big bite of the front of the burger and the back burger goes - right, and slides out.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This will prevent that, OK?

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know, that's really - it's a great idea. Why did it take a team of Japanese scientists to figure it out, you wonder. It seems somebody would've...

SAGAL: And it took them four months. Four months of working on this project.

POUNDSTONE: And now, when you say...

SAGAL: And then somebody says, well just take your pinkie and put it down there. That'll work.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: They're Japanese. That's not how they talk.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Angie do on our quiz?

KASELL: Angie had three correct answers, Peter, so Angie, I'll be doing the message on your home answering machine or voice mail.

SAGAL: Well done.

POUNDSTONE: Nice.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Good job, Angie.

RENNICK: Thank you (unintelligible).

SAGAL: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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