Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Dousing The Flame, The Art of Apology, and No Mo Bozo.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Oh, my goodness, thank you all very much, thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now really, now really you're just embarrassing yourselves, OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We have a great show for you today. We've got Senator Mark Warner of Virginia. He'll be joining us to play our games. That is, if you're keeping track, two U.S. Senators on our show in two weeks. We get one more for a set of three; we can trade them in for one cable TV star.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So we're excited about that. We wouldn't trade you for anybody though. Give us a call, the number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

DEANNE BUCK: Hello, how are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Who's this?

BUCK: This is Deanne.

SAGAL: Hey, Deanne, where are you calling from?

BUCK: I am calling from Nederland, Colorado.

SAGAL: Nederland, Colorado?

BUCK: Yes, it's right outside of Boulders.

SAGAL: OK, so - and what do you do there?

BUCK: I actually run a nonprofit.

SAGAL: Do you really?

BUCK: Yes.

SAGAL: Well, that's very unprofitable of you.

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: I guess that means you don't work with marijuana.

BUCK: That's right. Well, I don't...

(LAUGHTER)

BUCK: Confirm nor deny.

SAGAL: Hi understand. Well Deanne, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian performing March 7th and 8th at Bananas in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, Alonzo Bodden. Here he is.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, say hello to a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning," it's Faith Salie is here.

SALIE: Hi, Deanne.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And lastly a writer whose newest book is "Alphabetter Juice," Mr. Roy Blount Jr. is here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show Deanne. You're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl's voice on your voicemail. You ready to play?

BUCK: I am.

SAGAL: All right. ere's your first quote:

KASELL: I'm bored with this, when does real TV come back?

SAGAL: That was an editor at Cosmo, tired of what big sporting event that seems to have gone on forever?

BUCK: The Winter Olympics.

SAGAL: It was the Winter Olympics, very good, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This was the week people began wishing the Sochi Olympics really did only have four rings. NBC lost the one compelling storyline they had when they removed Bob Costas's eye from the set.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: NBC struggled to bring viewers back. They even tried making the other anchors grotesque: abscesses, sores. They let Matt Lauer keep his goatee. Nothing worked.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I thought Bob Costas was really brave in that environment to say he had pinkeye because that sounds really gay.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true.

SALIE: You know? He could've called it conjunctivitis, but it was like no, y'all, I have pinkeye.

SAGAL: I believe Putin has made pinkeye illegal.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There was some drama in the sports, though. The U.S. speed skating team blamed their poor performance - did you hear this? - on their new speed suits. They had never tried them before in competition. Imagine how horrified they were to discover that these supposed new speed suits were just Lululemon yoga pants.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you know how hard it is to skate quickly while covering your butt with your hands?

ALONZO BODDEN: That is a big thing, though. These speed skaters, it's funny that I notice much about it, but...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: But the U.S. is actually supposed to be one of the best speed skating teams in the world.

SAGAL: It's our sport.

BODDEN: And we couldn't win a thing. And they're saying the suits were slowing them down.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true. They...

SALIE: Who doesn't try it on? Why don't you try it on? You walk around your house in your speed suit.

ROY BLOUNT JR.: I see London, I see France, Lululemon yoga pants.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The other big controversy this week, did you see this, as we get into the second week, was the post-race interview with Bode Miller, the skier, because the interviewer pressed him about his family tragedy until he cried, and people were like, oh, you can't make the athletes cry. Are you kidding? These are the Olympics. If you have a deceased relative, and you are an Olympian, you will be asked about it incessantly, and if you do not have a deceased relative, one will be provided for you.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Absolutely. There's never been an Olympic athlete with a happy story.

SAGAL: It's true.

BODDEN: It's always the most sad, tragic thing that they got, that they overcame to make - just once I want to hear, like, some millionaire is like this is just a hobby.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I flew over in my own jet.

SAGAL: OK, Deanne, here is your next quote:

KASELL: Let me apologize. Art history was one of my favorite subjects in high school.

SAGAL: That was a man stopping just short of saying some of my best friends are art historians in an apology this week, some would say another apology this week. Who was it?

BUCK: President Obama.

SAGAL: Yes, President Obama.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good. So President Obama has often been criticized by Republicans for apologizing too much. This week he was criticized for apologizing to art history majors. This is what happened, in a speech a few weeks ago, he suggested that people could make more money with a technical education than, quote, with an art history degree, unquote. This caused an outcry from art history majors all across the country. They were very angry. They banded together and agreed to not put as much foam as usual on our grande lattes.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That'll show us.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I don't - I mean, I don't know why they're angry? President Obama has supported art history majors. For example, he wants to raise the minimum wage. What's the problem here?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You have to be careful doing art history jokes on NPR.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You're kind of their wheelhouse right now.

SAGAL: It's really true.

BODDEN: I think when he said that, though he lost the art history majors, he gained the votes of all the art history majors' parents.

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your last quote:

KASELL: Membership numbers have dropped like a pair of oversized polka dot trousers.

SAGAL: That was NPR's own Renee Montaigne, Carl you are more Reneeish than Renee is, talking about how the U.S. is facing a desperate shortage of what?

BUCK: Clowns?

SAGAL: Clowns, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Clowns.

SALIE: Now I think people are applauding the shortage of clowns rather than her answer.

SAGAL: It may be. An organization called The Clowns of America reports that membership has been plummeting now for almost a decade. They suggest the reason is that young people just don't have the interest in clowning the way that they used to and that older clowns are dying off, mainly in car accidents, when you can lose 20 of them at a time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then you don't get new clowns because clowns rarely get the chance to reproduce.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, they're like pandas in this regard. We have to carefully find them mates, put them in an enclosure with maybe a monkey banging cymbals together for mood, they like that.

SALIE: Maybe, you know, potential clowns need more incentives like bigger cars and smaller shoes.

SAGAL: That's true. Maybe we need to draft clowns. Like if your feet are too big for the Army, hey...

SALIE: Flat feet, we'll work here.

SAGAL: There's another branch of service.

BODDEN: I think the clowns should just hit up the art historians and say we're hiring.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true. Carl, how did Deanne do?

KASELL: Deanne, you had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your voicemail or home answering machine.

SAGAL: Very well done, Deanne.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

BUCK: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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