Super Soul Sucker
GLYNN WASHINGTON, HOST:
OK. So it was summertime. I needed a job. Saw an ad - it said jobs available. Didn't say what kind of job - just job. What the hey, I called the place. They told me to come in. I arrive at this little office, and I'm already starting to get a bad feeling, but I steel myself and open the door. And this guy, older, slick hair, pinstriped suit, one gold tooth, he greets me, handshake extended. Hey you must be Glynn. I can't tell you how happy we are to see you this morning. You're probably thinking, how can I make the big money like this guy? Well, I'm going to show you. In fact, I'm going to send you out with my best guy. My very best guy is going to show you how it's done. But first, do you like gadgets because every real man likes gadgets? You want the newest thing, am I right? Well, I'm going to show you the best gadget you're ever going to see. It's a delux, top-of-the-line model. Don't you worry 'cause as soon as you shown this baby off, it's going to sell itself. And then he points to it. It. It. It is a vacuum cleaner.
This baby will suck the shine off a kitchen sink. Let them get a load of that allergy filtration canister technology, and see them start reaching for their checkbooks. I look at the price tag - $1,500 for a vacuum cleaner. Martin, am I right? Am I right? Martin comes out. He's shorter and dumpier than the first guy. Right you are, Mr. Axel. Well, don't stand around here, go make this guy some money. I follow Martin back outside. I get into his El Dorado. He loads a shiny new vacuum cleaner in the back, and we're off. And we're driving. I ask him, Martin, who buys $1,500 vacuum cleaners? And Martin is delighted with the question. I'll tell you who. I'll tell you who. Old people, that's who. They're my specialty. You see shut-ins are happy just to have someone to talk to. You can sell them anything you want, just get them to open the door. It's taking candy from a baby. I'm feeling sick. When we pull up to this house, Martin's already crowing. We're going to have this one sold before breakfast. He rings the doorbell, and a sweet little old lady with blue eyes wearing a sky blue dress opens the door. Ma'am, we're here for the vacuum demonstration you requested. Oh yes, come on in. She shows us inside her very tidy home. Martin starts up - now I'm going to show you something unbelievable. You have a very neat and clean home, ma'am, but you're going to be alarmed by the amount of grime and petulance lurking in full view.
Martin goes to work. He vacuums the living room floor, then shows her the vacuum filter. Oh my, but I wonder if this machine can work in hallways? Oh it certainly can, ma'am. It certainly can. Martin is up, racing down the hallway, barking about the amazing power of his vacuum cleaner. Well, surely bedroom dirt is different. Not different enough - there is Martin showing how his vacuum can get under the bed. Well, what about that wall banister? And then the little old lady actually winks at me when she says, but can it clean kitchen floors? I have to stop myself from laughing out loud. Martin is put in work. She's got him using special tools to get behind the refrigerator. He's vacuuming hardwood floors, and when Martin's cleaned the entire house, she says well, I'll think about it. But I might need another demonstration next week before my bridge club arrives.
And she sent us packing out the front door. Martin is overjoyed. We're this close. He seems genuinely disappointed when I ask him to drop me off. You're quitting already? Think about the money you're missing out on. Well, I'm sorry, dude. But, mama, she didn't raise a sucker.
You've reached the end of the episode, but not the end of the journey. Subscribe to the podcast. Get full episodes, bonus material at SnapJudgment.org. Facebook, Snap Judgment. Twitter, Snap Judgment. It was produced by the team, certainly not swayed by money. That was not WBEZ you saw on TV, and this is not the news. No way is this the news. In fact, you could pay someone to secure your home, and he could pay someone else to rob it. And you would still not be as far away from the news as this is, but this is NPR.