Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Guest of Dishonor; No Fury Like A Woman Storm; A Royal Retirement.

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm beloved anchorman, Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in Brooklyn, New York City, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you everybody. I cannot tell you - I am just as excited. I cannot tell you what a thrill it is to be here in Brooklyn, the finest city in the world according to a poll...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...According to a poll of all the people who've moved here in the last three years.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: To celebrate the specialness of your borough, we've invited fashion guru, Tim Gunn to join us to lecture you all about the way you dress.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first. feel free to give us a call from anywhere you live and attempt to win Scorekeeper Emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. The number is 1-888-924-892. That's 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

MICHAEL YORKE: Hi. This is Michael Yorke from Ventura, California.

SAGAL: Beautiful Ventura. Lovely place there on the coast.

YORKE: Yeah. It's lovely.

SAGAL: What do you do there?

YORKE: I am a high school science teacher.

SAGAL: Oh, that is tough to find.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: As someone who works with young people, what do you think of the future? What do you think of the future of our nation? Will we have one?

(LAUGHTER)

YORKE: Well, we've got a lot of work to do.

SAGAL: All right. Well, we'll get back to it. But first, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of the Emmy-nominated show, "My Grandmother's Ravioli," on the cooking channel, Mr. Mo Rocca is here today.

(APPLAUSE)

MO ROCCA: Hi, Michael.

YORKE: Hey, Mo.

SAGAL: Next, it's an actor, performer and a writer for "Late Night With Seth Myers," Peter Grosz is here.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER GROSZ: Hi, Michael.

YORKE: Hi, Peter.

SAGAL: Finally, it's a comedian and the head writer on Comedy Central's "Inside Amy Schumer," it's Jessi Klein.

(APPLAUSE)

JESSI KLEIN: Hi, Michael.

SAGAL: Now, Michael, you'll start us with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - Scorekeeper Emeritus Carl Kasell's voice in your voicemail. Are you ready to do it?

YORKE: I am ready. I just want to say that I'm playing to get Carl Kasell's voice on my fiance's answering machine.

SAGAL: Oh, that's very giving of you.

KURTIS: How sweet.

SAGAL: That'll at least 10 years of marriage. Don't you think?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Let's get going. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Welcome home. A grateful American thanks you.

SAGAL: Those words were bravely tweeted by Republican Senator Thad Cochran, who then bravely deleted those words after the return of whom became controversial?

YORKE: Bowe Bergdahl.

SAGAL: Bowe Bergdahl. Very good. Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: After five years in a Taliban prison, American soldier Bowe Bergdahl was released in exchange for five Taliban prisoners. People were excited. People were happy. But then people realized that that skinny guy standing between Bergdahl's parents at the announcement of the release was Barack Obama.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he's never up to to any good. So Sgt. Bergdahl went from hero to zero almost instantly. This is true. Bergdahl's hometown in Idaho was going to throw him a big homecoming party, but they canceled it in the face of planned protests. Couldn't they have just compromised and put up a big banner - welcome home trader?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: It seems like the thing that's getting everyone so mad is that we gave up these five Taliban fighters for someone to come home. And it's almost like we had this - like, these awesome trading cards like, oh, we had Barry Bonds and Derek Jeter. And all we got was, like, you know, we got, like, Graig Nettles - like, some loser guy. And it's like, he's a human being. He's not like, some like - or it's like, oh, your jacks are nicer now. We only got this one jack.

KLEIN: But it's easy. It's easy in trades to have regrets. Like, I never traded baseball cards, but I did stickers. I had a sticker book. I remember giving away, like, a unicorn puffy...

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: ...For, like, three sniffies. And the next morning I was, like, (bleep).

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: No, but see, this White House could be be better haggling.

SAGAL: You guys are looking at this the wrong way. You have to think of it in terms of an exchange rate. Our one guy was worth five of theirs. That's great.

ROCCA: Five senior Taliban.

GROSZ: That's the best the dollars been in forever.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The weirdest thing about the trade - somehow when the dust cleared, we had one POW, the Taliban had five and the New York Yankees had a new pitcher from Cuba. How do they do that?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: You're going to let a glass ceiling hold you back? A glass ceiling? You're a hurricane for crying out loud. Just shatter it.

SAGAL: That was NPR's own Beth Novey giving advice for what particular kind of hurricane this week?

YORKE: One named after females.

SAGAL: You're right. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Hurricanes with female names.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A study that came out this week showed that female hurricanes do more damage because people do not take female-named hurricanes as seriously as they do male named hurricanes. You know, 'cause we think of lady hurricanes as dainty things just sitting around, putting on makeup, reading Cosmo's 35 ways to obliterate your man this weekend.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But, no. They're hurricanes.

GROSZ: Do they depend on - I mean, Hurricane Lilly is hard to take as seriously as like Hurricane like Bertha.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, as a matter of fact...

KLEIN: Which, of course, is a fat hurricane.

GROSZ: Hurricane Hildegard you'd take seriously.

SAGAL: This is actually true. There's even a difference between the quality of names. If it's a particularly kind of girly name, you know, like Hurricane Miley, no one takes it seriously.

GROSZ: Right.

ROCCA: Hurricane Chrystal with four Ys.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROCCA: That just strips all the clothes off the people in town.

GROSZ: Hurrican Ke$ha with that dollar sign.

SAGAL: Yeah, that seems serious. So there are two solutions suggested for this problem - first, give hurricanes both names and nicknames, so it's Hurricane Tiffany, that devourer of worlds.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And second, doing nothing because anybody who doesn't get out of the way of a hurricane 'cause it has girly name deserves what's coming to it.

(APPLAUSE)

KLEIN: I was just going to say though, at least female hurricanes will ask for directions and it will find you. I will get you.

(APPLAUSE)

KLEIN: A male hurricane might just drive off - doesn't know where to go.

GROSZ: I've been up this coast before.

KLEIN: I got it, I got it.

GROSZ: All right, let's turn around - go back to...

KLEIN: I got it. I have GPS, I got it

GROSZ: I would love to see a hurricane like pull into a bank and like, she made me come in here. Where's North Carolina?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: All right, I feel like an idiot now.

SAGAL: All right, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: I will die wearing my crown.

SAGAL: That was a man, who this week, changed his mind. Maybe he won't die with a crown on, maybe he'll take it off. Who has it?

YORKE: That would be King Juan Carlos of Spain.

SAGAL: You are well informed - very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Two important news items - first, King Juan Carlos of Spain abdicated, second, Spain had a king. Did you know? King Juan Carlos of Spain was a hero once 'cause he was credited with saving Spanish democracy once. But since then, he has screwed up many times. For example, just a couple of years ago in the middle of the Spanish recession, Juan Carlos went on an extravagant elephant hunting trip courtesy of some Saudi princes. So among the people calling for his abdication was the Socialist party in Spain, the labor unions and a whole bunch of really angry elephants.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: When reached for a comment, elephant King Babar said, I'm obviously feeling...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Conflicted about it. On the one hand, he's a fellow king, on the other hand, the son of a [bleep] tried to kill me.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Is it Bah-bar or Buh-bar?

SAGAL: I always said Buh-bar growing up.

KLEIN: I always said Bah-bar.

GROSZ: In Spain, it's Babar.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Meanwhile, over in England, Prince Charles left a newspaper open to the story of the abdication around for his mother to find.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And then left a banana peel at the top of the stairs.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Michael do?

KURTIS: Michael was perfect.

SAGAL: Well done.

KURTIS: Three and 0.

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks for playing, Michael.

YORKE: Thank you very much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG)

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