Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Bill This Time

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: The World Cup Incisor, A Regular Working Joe, U.S. vs. Siri.

Copyright © 2014 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm voluptuous anchorman Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, everybody. Thanks so much. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I'm just as excited. We've got a great show for you today. Actress Scarlett Johansson will be joining us later to play our game.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, look, we are not used to talking to beautiful movie stars. But this is NPR. We do not fawn. OK, people.

KURTIS: Peter - Peter? I've written a brief poem that I'd like to recite, if I could right now.

SAGAL: Oh, OK.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: S is for the super crush you inspire in your fans.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: C is for the cat suits that you wore. A is for the apple pancakes I'll make you in the morning.

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: (Laughter).

KURTIS: S is for four - or R - R, R, R...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Is for the ringlets I adore.

SAGAL: Bill, how long does this go on?

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: As long as it takes, Peter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, however you spell your name, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

KING WIEMAN: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi, who is this?

WIEMAN: This is King Wieman (ph) from Bethel, New York.

SAGAL: Did you say your name was King?

WIEMAN: Yes, that is my first name.

SAGAL: Really? That's a name that your parents gave you when they must have expected great things from you.

(LAUGHTER)

WIEMAN: It was my father's name. So I'm not sure who was supposed to have the greater achievement.

SAGAL: Right. And was he like I have spent my life disappointing everyone who's met me, now I shall put this curse on my son?

(LAUGHTER)

WIEMAN: It's more like a curse, yes.

SAGAL: But, I mean, has it been tough being - having being named King? Have people expected regal things from you?

WIEMAN: No, I think they just use it as an opportunity to make fun of my name.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What kind of terrible, shallow people would ever do that?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: King, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First say hello to a writer for The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts here.

(APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: Hello, King.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the man behind the world's favorite podcast - we asked, it is - "It's Too Beautiful To Live." Luke Burbank is here.

LUKE BURBANK: Hey, King.

WIEMAN: Hi, Luke.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, making her debut on our panel, it's a writer and comedian. It is Shelby Fero is here.

(APPLAUSE)

WIEMAN: Hi, Shelby.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: King, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis will now re-create for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - Scorekeeper Emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine voicemail, whatever you may have. Are you ready to play?

WIEMAN: I am.

SAGAL: Your first quote is actually a series of headlines about Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Chewy Luis and the blues. Holy Molar, says soccer Canada lawyer. There's no tooth to it.

SAGAL: Those are all references to Luis Suarez's hunger for victory in an opponent's shoulder at this year's what?

WIEMAN: The World Cup.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The World Cup.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yay, Futbal Copa Mundial. This is the week that Americans finally joined the rest of the world and became soccer fans.

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN #1: Futbal.

SAGAL: Oh, please.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Look, give us a little time, OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Look, if we had known there was biting in soccer, we would have started watching years ago.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We love things with biting - "Twilight" movies, zombie movies, eating.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: After Luis Suarez of Uruguay bit an Italian opponent in the shoulder, two things happened. Suarez was thrown out of the rest of the tournament, and the player he bit turned Uruguayan.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: (Laughing).

BURBANK: The most amazingly soccer-y part of this whole event was that after he clearly bit this guy - and I'm not kidding. He fell to the ground and held his mouth like it had been hurt.

SAGAL: Well, it had been actually. Because what happened was he bit the guy, and the guy being bit elbowed him in the mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: As one might naturally do upon being bit.

ROBERTS: And we know shoulder meat's pretty tough.

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I want to ask you, is soccer not the most gorgeous male sport there is?

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN #2: Yes.

SAGAL: These guys are cute.

SHELBY FERO: They're sinewy.

SAGAL: They're sinewy. There are - I mean, Ronaldo. I am now gay 'cause I have watched Ronaldo...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Play soccer. I mean, it just happens. Like, OK.

ROBERTS: It's like I'm gay now, too. I became a male and then I turned gay for Christiano Ronaldo.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: But, I mean, they're physically so impressive. And then every time they score a goal, they become furious at their jersey.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Like it gets...

SAGAL: Damn you. Get this off of me.

BURBANK: And then their beauty is even more on display. And then I'm like, you know what, hold the second order of wings...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...Because I see what it's supposed to look like when you're a hot dude, and...

ROBERTS: Do you think...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...It's not happening in this Applebee's.

SAGAL: Well, the other big soccer news this week is that the U.S. did not lose, at least not yet. And OK, they did lose, but they still won.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's kind of like finding out the girl who turned you down big time for a date has Chlamydia. It's like, hey...

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Oh.

FERO: U.S.A., U.S.A.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: (Laughing).

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Don't hold it against me that I don't own a single stock or bond.

SAGAL: That was somebody saying that he, just like Hillary Clinton, who he might be running against for the Democratic presidential nomination, is really poor. Who was it?

WIEMAN: I'm going to need a hint.

SAGAL: You're going to need a hint. Well, like I said, he's seen as one of the primary rivals for Hillary Clinton for - to be the next Democratic presidential nominee.

WIEMAN: I don't have any idea.

SAGAL: How about Joe Biden?

WIEMAN: Really?

SAGAL: Yeah. With two years till the nomination, both Biden and Clinton are positioning themselves to be the Democratic nominee. And are they stressing their experience, their ideas, their excellent hair? No. They've been talking about their poverty.

Hillary Clinton, this week, told a reporter that she and Bill aren't truly well-off, even though they're incredibly rich because they pay income taxes like everybody else. In fact, she says, they were so poor when they left the White House, they could hardly afford Bill's website memberships.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (As Bill Clinton) Hillary, how do I work the private browsing on this thing?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Biden countered. He came back at her. He was speaking at a summit for working families, and he said he had no stocks, no bonds, or a savings account. He then asked a Secret Service agent to hand him his hobo bindle, and he jumped a freight train back to D.C.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Why are we at this place in American politics where the number one thing going for you is that you've never done the job before or have been really bad in your personal finances.

SAGAL: Right? They're going to have their debates on a street corner around a barrel fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Biden will be like, President Obama promised you change. I ask you, can you spare any change?

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: The fingerless gloves are coming off.

BURBANK: Biden would make a way better hobo than Hillary, though, don't you think?

FERO: Oh, he'd be the fun one. He's the town tramp.

SAGAL: Biden is like a GED away from being a hobo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know what I mean?

BURBANK: Yeah.

SAGAL: He could have...

BURBANK: He got out...

SAGAL: ...Gone out.

BURBANK: ...But just barely.

SAGAL: And he would be just as happy.

BURBANK: Yes, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He'd be like, look at this can of beans I got. This is awesome.

BURBANK: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Get a warrant.

SAGAL: That straightforward bit of instruction came from a group of nine people who don't normally speak so clearly or unanimously. Who?

WIEMAN: The Supreme Court.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Supreme Court. Very good. In a surprising unanimous ruling, the Supreme Court ruled the police cannot search what is on your phone without a warrant. Court observers said a unanimous decision from this court was slightly less likely than Scalia winning the annual Supreme Court wet robe contest.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In the ruling, Justice Roberts, who wrote the decision, referred to cell phones as not just phones but, quote, "cameras, video players, rolodexes, calendars, tape recorders, libraries, and diaries," unquote. Plus, he went on, best friends, lovers...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...The only one who truly understands me...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And my precious.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Well, they would never get into my phone because the code is 1111.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: They'd have to get, like, a code breaker.

ROBERTS: Keep cracking.

SAGAL: It's surprising the ruling was unanimous, especially since the conservative justices on the court tend to favor police powers. We assumed they were going to split down the normal lines, conservative and liberal, when Justice Thomas found out it would mean the police could actually look at the pictures on his phone.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Like wait, we've got to shut that down yesterday.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did King do on our quiz?

KURTIS: King got two out of three, but under the World Cup rules, he won it all. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You escaped the group of death game. Well done.

WIEMAN: I don't get to advance to the Scarlett Johansson round?

SAGAL: No, sadly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Take care and thanks for calling, King.

WIEMAN: Thank you.

Copyright © 2014 NPR. All rights reserved. No quotes from the materials contained herein may be used in any media without attribution to NPR. This transcript is provided for personal, noncommercial use only, pursuant to our Terms of Use. Any other use requires NPR's prior permission. Visit our permissions page for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by a contractor for NPR, and accuracy and availability may vary. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Please be aware that the authoritative record of NPR's programming is the audio.

Comments

 

Please keep your community civil. All comments must follow the NPR.org Community rules and terms of use, and will be moderated prior to posting. NPR reserves the right to use the comments we receive, in whole or in part, and to use the commenter's name and location, in any medium. See also the Terms of Use, Privacy Policy and Community FAQ.

Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!