Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Bill This Time

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Lofty Goals, Lawyer Up, and The Lil' Commander in Chief.

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BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm awe-inspiring anchorman Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Well, hello. Thanks, Bill. Thank you everyone. It is so great to be here at Red Rocks. This is this natural amphitheater in the mountains west of Denver. It's made famous, of course, by that amazing, live performance we've all seen by John Tesh in 1994.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you've never seen it, just watch PBS for an hour or so. It'll come up.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, this is the first show we've done in Colorado since the legalization of marijuana in this state.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And I'm sure all of you here expected us to make a lot of jokes about it. Nope, we are just going to let Bill Kurtis right here have the last word on this topic. And that word is...

KURTIS: (Moaning) Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was deeply felt, Bill. That was well done. Later on, Olympic skier Mikaela Shiffrin joins us to talk about how to get high the old-fashioned way via a ski lift. First, it's your turn. Give us a call. The number, of course, 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

KEN SINGER: Hey, Peter.

SAGAL: Hey.

SINGER: This is Ken (ph) Singer from lovely Lyons, Colorado, the epicenter of the floods.

SAGAL: Lyons, Colorado?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Are you one of those, like, diehard Coloradans - always, like, exercising and stuff?

SINGER: Well, we moved here from New Jersey last year - 10 weeks' worth of floods - and loved it.

SAGAL: How has the adjustment gone, New Jersey to Colorado?

SINGER: Well, we survived Hurricane Sandy without power for 11 days. And now we're here. At least we have power, but some of the other facilities are not happening.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Do you ever blame yourself?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: They shouldn't just have a weather map. They should just trace where you go.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ken, let me introduce you to our panel this week here on stage at Red Rocks. First, host of The Morning AMp on vocalo.org and a comedian performing July 27 at the Punch Line club in San Francisco. It's Brian Babylon, who's right here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And next, a comedian coming back to Colorado to perform August 9 at the Chautauqua Auditorium in Boulder. It's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Hey, how you doing? Thanks for staying there 'cause it's nice here.

SINGER: (Laughing).

SAGAL: And lastly, an author whose groundbreaking new novel will probably get written one of these days. It's Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hey, Ken. How are you doing?

SAGAL: So, Ken, you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail or whatever you've got. You ready to go?

SINGER: Ready to go.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote comes from a man in Brazil.

KURTIS: We will face people making fun of us for the rest of our lives. How am I going to tell this to my grandchildren?

SAGAL: That man was talking about the most embarrassing defeat his country has ever faced in what?

SINGER: the World Cup?

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, the World Cup.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Brazil was, in fact, beaten by the German team by a score of 7 to 1 - a score so interesting, many Americans didn't think it was even allowed in soccer.

BODETT: Right. It's created a new number. They now call 7 to 1 a Brazilian.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This was beyond a humiliation for the Brazilians. Soccer is - it's not just their sport. It's their soul. It's as if a bunch of Germans came over and beat the Brazilians at crotch waxing.

(LAUGHING)

SAGAL: Try to sympathize.

BRIAN BABYLON: (Laughing) They're good at that.

POUNDSTONE: How is that judged?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Is it based on pain or lack of pain?

BODETT: Yeah. The way they fake the injuries, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Well, you know, a lot of people are saying, also, that this was like, you know, like, you know, like, the Brazilian team was, like, cursed. Or this could've been witchcraft because it was so out of - you know, there were so many...

POUNDSTONE: What do you mean, a lot of people? Who have you heard say it could've been witchcraft?

SAGAL: Oh, oh.

BODETT: Oh, like everybody.

BABYLON: Multiple people. There's like, on the Internet it's like...

POUNDSTONE: No. Hermione and Ron said that.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I have enjoyed the games. Although, when they don't score, is that typical? The thing where they...

SAGAL: That's more typical.

POUNDSTONE: They play the whole game and they don't score?

BODETT: My kids - my sons are involved in soccer at pretty high level - second grade. And...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: And there's a lot more scoring at that level.

SAGAL: Yeah. They could've subbed in for the Brazilians and probably done a little better.

BODETT: Absolutely.

POUNDSTONE: Do you think the guy who runs the scoreboard ever feels useless?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It must be so exciting when that - one - (yelling) wah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Light it up, Bob.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ken, here's your next quote.

KURTIS: So sue me.

SAGAL: That was somebody recently threatened with a lawsuit by the House of Representatives. And he says, bring it on. Who's sounding a little cocky?

SINGER: It would have to be President Obama.

SAGAL: President Obama, indeed. Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It's the middle of the second term, and the president is no longer interested in pretending he likes you. In a little over six years, Obama has gone from yes we can to so sue me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Speaker John Boehner took his dare. On Thursday, Boehner filed papers for the House of Representatives to sue the president for unilaterally delaying one part of Obamacare. That's it. How dare you, sir, delay one part of a law we all loathe?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: You know what they should do? I'm tired of all this rage. How about this? Remember in the good old days - remember that movie "Over The Top," with Stallone?

SAGAL: Yeah, with the arm wrestling.

BABYLON: With arm wrestling for custody of his child?

SAGAL: That's a classic film.

BABYLON: We need to go back to this arm wrestling. You know what I'm saying?

SAGAL: Just have them arm wrestle.

BABYLON: Right. You sit down right here. I'll arm wrestle you. And if I beat you, you shut the hell up. And this is like that - we go to work.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: If I beat you, you go to work. Stop playing games.

POUNDSTONE: It's really hard for me to believe, right now, that I'm surrounded by two men who both saw the arm wrestling movie.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: "Over The Top."

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. That's a guy thing.

POUNDSTONE: That's not a guy thing. That's an idiot thing. That's...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ken, here's your last quote. It's a historical quote. It's from some private letters that President Warren G. Harding wrote a century ago but were only released this week.

KURTIS: I wish I could take you to Mount Jerry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this week, we finally got written confirmation that Warren G. Harding, who we thought of as the most boring of American politicians, definitely had a what?

SINGER: A mistress?

SAGAL: Yes, he did.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's one of the acceptable answers, yes.

KURTIS: (Laughing).

SAGAL: According to these 100-year-old love letters finally released this week, President Harding was, as far as we know, the only president with a nickname for his staff-of-chief, if you follow. In his letters to his mistress, the wife of his best friend, he constantly refers to, quote, "Jerry," and how much Jerry misses her - how, quote, "Jerry came and will not go," and how often he and Jerry talk about her.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Because back in that old-fashioned age, the way to a woman's heart was providing transcriptions of your conversation with your own crotch.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: And I'm curious; was the name Jerry much more masculine back then?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Because Jerry doesn't sound like a real macho...

SAGAL: This was a pre-Jerry Lewis Jerry. This was, you know...

BABYLON: Right, OK. I mean, what about, like, Ronaldo? You know, give it a little panache.

SAGAL: Ronaldo.

BABYLON: Yeah. Ronaldo mission you. Ronaldo wishes he can be on top of you. Ronaldo - yeah.

POUNDSTONE: But wait - isn't that a Brazilian name?

SAGAL: It is.

BABYLON: Yeah, you're right. You're right.

SAGAL: Well, now that we know this, we're looking forward to finding out what other presidents might have called their constant companion. Lincoln obviously went with rail splitter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, Theodore Roosevelt didn't have a name. He just liked to say, I'm speaking softly. Now guess what I'm carrying.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Now, that's - you can use that one today and kind of win.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: Yeah, that one's good.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Ken do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Ken did the right move when he got out of New Jersey and came to Colorado - perfect score.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Ken. And welcome to paradise.

SINGER: You bet.

SAGAL: We want to remind everyone that they can join us most weeks back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Illinois. For tickets or more information, go to wbez.org. Or you can finally a link at our website, waitwait.npr.org.

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