Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Bill This Time

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Minor Incursion, The Return of King James and Hole-ly Mystery!

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BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm tender-loving anchorman Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Nourse Theater in San Francisco, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you. It's great to see you. We're here in San Francisco for the rest of the month and even though it's only been a week, we - all of us at WAIT WAIT - have changed. For one thing, we are all now millionaires.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I don't know how this happened. Somebody came up, gave us $10 million each, we're supposed to make an app or something - whatever. Anyway, now that we're all rich, we can afford to eat at the famous restaurant the French Laundry. It's often called the best restaurant in America, but we couldn't get reservations so we invited the chef himself, Thomas Keller, to join us here on stage. He'll be here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But we know what you're hungry for - fresh Carl Kassel messages. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

JENNY: Hi, Peter. This is Jenny, calling from Chicago via Denver and Houston.

SAGAL: Wait a minute. You're calling from where via who via what?

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: You have a terrible, terrible phone plan.

(LAUGHTER)

JENNY: I actually live in Denver, I work in Houston, but I'm in Chicago right now.

SAGAL: Is someone chasing you?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Jenny, welcome to the show. Great to have you with us. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a writer for the Washington Post is Ms. Roxanne Roberts.

(APPLAUSE)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Jenny.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a humorous and author, most recently, of "Alphabet Juice: Or, The Joy Of Text," it's Roy Blount Jr.

(APPLAUSE)

ROY BLOUNT JR: Hi.

SAGAL: Finally, a comedian appearing this weekend at Levity Live in Nyack, New York and July 24 to the 26 at Dr. Grin's Comedy Club in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Bobcat Goldthwait.

GOLDTHWAIT: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Jenny. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news, if you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kassel's voice in your home voicemail. You ready to go?

JENNY: I am.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote. Bill?

KURTIS: Relax, gringo, I'm here legally.

SAGAL: That was a T-shirt worn by a man this week in response to the crisis where?

JENNY: The immigration crisis at the border?

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The latest crisis at the border.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The United States is under assault by the most mysterious, nefarious, unstoppable, adorable invasion force ever - thousands of children. They've come from Central America looking for asylum and these Taco Bell Doritos Locos they've heard so much about. And so some anti-immigration activists have swarmed to the border to intercept them. They've been preparing for this these guys, these militias, training in that technique where you put your hand on the little kids forehead and they swing their arms but they still can't hit you.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: Turn your back on them, though, you got to watch it. Anybody that's that small, I don't trust.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: We don't need any more small people in this country, this is a country of big, big, dumb people.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now Republicans...

BLOUNT JR: Now, I'm just too little, you can't hit me. Oh, I hate that.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Arizona has the law where you can - you're supposed to be able to - a police officer is suppose to be able to legally ask anyone...

SAGAL: Yeah, the show me your papers...

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, if they're a legal resident of the United States, which I support, but I also believe that police officers should have to be a Native American.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I want an Indian cop asking John McCain how long his his family has legally lived in the United States.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, this is true - Republicans are accusing President Obama of engineering this crisis of refugee children. Why? Because President Obama is in the pocket of the Go-Gurt lobby.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Some Republicans accuse him of doing this so the kids will grown up and vote as Democrats. That's why, they say, the kids, when they arrive at the border stations, are being given food, water and DVD sets of the complete "West Wing."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Republicans say they knew this was what Obama was up to when the Democrats suggested changing the voting age to ocho.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Cleveland natives - it's basically like Jesus just came back.

SAGAL: That's B. Collins writing on Twitter about the return of whom? To Cleveland...

JENNY: LeBron James.

SAGAL: LeBron James, yes. LeBron James.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: LeBron, the famous basketball player, signed a contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He said he wanted to come back to his boyhood home in Northeast Ohio so his own children can grow up with the same values he learned there - so someday, they too will betray Cleveland and return for millions of dollars.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: LeBron made the announcement in the letter published by Sports Illustrated. It's actually really quite beautiful and heartfelt. He referred to his four years in Miami playing there as, quote, "going to college." Now that he's back in Cleveland, he's about to learn what we all learned - life after college really sucks.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: I think it's nice. I think it's nice. I believe believe Art Linkletter was from Cleveland.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: 'Cause Art Linkletter could not play basketball very well as I recall.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: I thought maybe if I just sort of went out - I would like to guarantee the crowd that before this show is over, I will think of something funny to say about Art Linkletter.

(APPLAUSE)

BLOUNT JR: Well, either I or Bobcat will.

GOLDTHWAIT: No, don't throw me under this bus.

(APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: Can I ask a question?

SAGAL: You may, you may.

ROBERTS: OK, so I'm at my desk, this news hits - and maybe this is just a gender thing or maybe it's a sports thing, and I like sports - but everything stopped, nobody talked about anything - no boy talked about anything else for the rest of the afternoon. There was much debate about this, there was whether he was sincere, it was how much money he was getting. No one got any work done. It was like Jesus.

KURTIS: It really was.

ROBERTS: It like started an opposite, you know, rapture. He just came down to Cleveland.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: Well, what did you want to talk about? Relationships?

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Cats. I want to talk about cats.

SAGAL: But really, it's such a selfless thing to do to come back to Cleveland. It's like - he's just like Mother Theresa who famously devoted herself to the poor of Calcutta in exchange for a cot, some gruel, a Mercedes S-class and an infinity pool.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: But even Mother Teresa did not agree to live in Cleveland.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: A meteorite, the arrival of a UFO, the Earth farted.

SAGAL: Those are a few of the many theories explaining a giant - what - discovered in Siberia this week.

JENNY: That giant hole or crater.

SAGAL: The giant hole, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Scientists announced the discovery of the giant hole in the ground in a remote part of Siberia. They said it actually appeared two years ago, but they've only noticed it now. Plenty enough time for whatever caused the hole to disappear and for a Starbucks to open down at the bottom.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What is it? Who or what made it? It looks exactly like the kind of things monsters crawl out of in monster movies. And we know that 2012, when the crater appeared, was also the first time most of us heard of Robin Thicke. OK.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: I think there should be another - it's not a very scientific term - hole in the ground. I see a lot of people sitting around saying I think what we have here is a hole in the ground.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Some guy in a white lab coat.

BLOUNT JR: I mean, there must be some kind of - what's Latin for hole in the ground?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The real question is what might we find at the bottom of the whole? The answer - the last 300 Siberian guys who said, hey, want to get drunk and go look at the hole?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jenny do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Jenny got three and, oh, how's that for good?

SAGAL: That's very good. Jenny, congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Good luck to you in your life on the run. Take care.

JENNY: Thank you.

(MUSIC)

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