Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Bill This Time

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: The Weedstream Media; The Blame Game; The Grip On Germs.

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BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm totally huggable anchorman Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host. At the Nourse Theater in San Francisco, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks, guys. Thank you. It's our third and final week in San Francisco before heading back home. And we are celebrating with a Bay Area native, the best-selling author Amy Tan.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: My first question - oh, yeah, she'll be here. My first question to her will be, do you have a guest room or a couch I could crash on? We can't bear to leave. How about a dog bed? I can do that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, we've got some questions for you. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

TOMMY VAN CLEAVE: Hi. This is Tommy Van Cleave from New Rochelle, New York.

SAGAL: Tommy Van Cleave, how are you?

VAN CLEAVE: I am very well.

SAGAL: Now, here - I don't know how many people react to New Rochelle this way. But I know of New Rochelle because of the old "Dick Van Dyke Show."

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Absolutely.

SAGAL: Do you have - Chicago, where I live, has a statue of Bob Newhart from his sitcom. Minneapolis has a statue of Mary Tyler Moore. Do you have a statue of Dick Van Dyke somewhere in New Rochelle?

VAN CLEAVE: I don't think there's a statue. I'm sure there's a plaque hidden somewhere.

SAGAL: You think?

(LAUGHTER)

VAN CLEAVE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Because you've got to get on it. You've got to be celebrating the fictional people who never really lived there. Otherwise...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tommy, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian and the host of the Who's Paying Attention podcast. You can see him at Hilarities in Cleveland on August 20th through 24th. It is Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the comedian who'll be performing at the Santa Clarita Performing Arts Center on September 6th, Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Hey, how you doing?

SAGAL: And look, it's another comedian. This one who will be performing at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston on September 6th, Maz Jobrani.

(APPLAUSE)

MAZ JOBRANI: Hey, buddy.

SAGAL: So Tommy, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain just two of them. We're easy that way. And if you do that, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell will record a message on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

VAN CLEAVE: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: Don't harsh our mellow, dude.

SAGAL: That was the New York Times columnist and famous buzz-kill Maureen Dowd. This week, her paper endorsed the legalization of what?

VAN CLEAVE: Marijuana.

SAGAL: Yes indeed...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Marijuana.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: With a front-page editorial last Sunday, The Times has said it has changed its editorial mind. It is now in favor of the legalization, on the federal level, of marijuana. The Times credits modern research into the drug, the woeful history of criminalization and this one amazing night at Burning Man.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Become more of a hipster newspaper.

JOBRANI: Didn't she eat a cookie? Was that her?

SAGAL: Maureen Dowd, famously - or rather famously if you care about Maureen Dowd, decided to look into this - what this whole marijuana things was about. So she went to Colorado, where it is legal, and she bought an entire - well, she bought a marijuana candy bar. And she ate the whole thing.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Oh, Maureen.

SAGAL: Which is a mistake.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And she wrote about it at some length.

POUNDSTONE: It's not a mistake. If you want to fear people and hide under the carpet, it's not a mistake.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes. And she was in a hotel room, and the carpet was glued down. So it was a frustrating evening for Maureen Dowd.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Times, though, despite Ms. Dowd's, you know, skepticism, they're trying to reach out to stoners. So instead of jumping to an inside page, all the front page stories will now just drift off into silence.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Sunday crossword will now come completely filled in, and the dining section is now edible.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: If the New York Times wanted to know what it's like to be high, couldn't they just ask The New York Post?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: No, we don't know what they're smoking over there.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: USA Today is more - USA Today should write an op-ed piece for stoners.

SAGAL: They're sort of like the Grateful Dead of newspapers.

JOBRANI: Yeah.

SAGAL: You know, they've got a lot of colors. They've got pie charts. They're fun to stare at.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Fun. That's a fun paper.

POUNDSTONE: You know, they do have pie charts.

SAGAL: It's a jam paper.

POUNDSTONE: They must've had a meeting, though, where someone said, you know, what I think is really going to be what sets us apart, you know, will be the good reporting? No, no, no.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know...

SAGAL: Pie charts. Pie charts.

POUNDSTONE: Articles of substance? Stop it, stop it, no.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: The pie chart.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Listen, it's all a scam started by Democrats at the White House.

SAGAL: That was Speaker John Boehner saying that the whole idea of doing what to the president really started with Democrats?

VAN CLEAVE: Impeachment.

SAGAL: Yes. Impeaching the president.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So we're hearing all this talk now about a move to impeach President Obama, but no one will fess up to starting it. Democrats say the RepublicanS started talking about it. John Boehner says the Democrats started the rumors to get their people riled up. No one is accepting responsibility for this idea that is out there. So when Obama is impeached, as I'm sure he will be, it will be a miracle - the immaculate impeachment.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Heralded by the three white men.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But - so the Republicans are saying we're not going to do that. What are you talking about? But the White House and the Democrats have been talking it up. OMG, the Republicans are going to impeach the president. Quick, send money. Maybe Obama himself wants to be impeached, right? He's sick of the job, but he knows if he quits, he won't get unemployment.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tommy, so we're going to take a break from politics and bring you this last quote.

KURTIS: Pound, bro fist, faux knucks, pound dog, bones, respect knuckles, bumpin' the rock.

SAGAL: Those are, according to Wikipedia, alternative terms for something that the Journal of the American Medical Association revealed this week to be much safer than handshakes. What?

VAN CLEAVE: The fist bump.

SAGAL: The fist bump. Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The fist bump, popular among baseball players and middle-aged men desperate to appear hip, is much more sanitary than shaking hands we now know. Scientists tested this out by one of them putting on a glove covered with bacteria, the other one putting on a sterile glove. And then they tried different greeting methods to measure transmission. They tried handshaking, fist bumps, high fives and deep, uncomfortable hugs that went on about four seconds too long.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: But, you know, here's the thing.

SAGAL: Here's the thing, Paula. What is the thing?

POUNDSTONE: I think that there's a reason why we do a handshake. I think that that contact, the potential of looking one another in the eyes and getting an oxytocin boost and a feeling of connection - I think there's a reason for that that can't really be replicated by fist bumping.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: And also...

SAGAL: I just want to say, Paul, I found that very moving, and I am now very nervous about ever shaking hands with you again. I'm afraid. I mean, it's like, Peter, you shook my hand. You never call. I'm like, I'm sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No, see that's the thing.

SAGAL: Did it mean nothing to you, Paula says

POUNDSTONE: That's the thing. You're so removed that you're considering now a handshake some sort of a commitment. That's not right either.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And by the way, this is so important to be said to men in particular, when a woman extends her hand for you to shake it, then you shake her hand. You do not turn it up and kiss it.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Geez.

SAGAL: How many - does that happen to you a lot?

POUNDSTONE: Oh, and it is just so creepy.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Because it's not - you know, I handed it at this angle. You know what I mean? I handed it at the handshake angle. And so I'm not giving it to you to do whatever you want with it.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I'm not loaning it to you. It's like if somebody borrowed your lawnmower, you know, you're assuming they're going to use it to mow the lawn. You don't want to find out later they put it in the ocean. Like, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Wow. Bill, how did Tommy do on our quiz?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Tommy.

VAN CLEAVE: I'm here.

BODDEN: Was there a quiz involved?

KURTIS: Tommy, I can tell you, you did great - 3 and 0. good for you.

SAGAL: Well done Tommy.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks so much.

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