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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...State of the Disillusioned; A Billion Dreams; The Penn Is Not Mightier

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Check the mail. You just got your electric Bill - that is, Bill Curtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, sitting in for Peter Sagal, Mike Pesca.

MIKE PESCA, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you so much, and thank you everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: It's great to be with you. Peter could not be here. I was told he's polling too low, so he's been relegated to the kids' table debate.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: I am Mike Pesca, which is lucky for you because I could've been Rick Santorum.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: If you don't know me, I host a podcast for Slate called The Gist, which, in my opinion, you should listen to instead of this show.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: I'm very excited about our guest. She's Broadway and TV star Sutton Foster, whose new series is about a woman pretending she's 26 when she's really 40. So apparently, it's about everybody at my last high school reunion.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: But you can be exactly who you are when you call in to play our game. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.

REESE FORGIE: Hi, Mike. This is Reese Forgie. I'm calling from Philadelphia, Pa.

PESCA: Hey Reese, what do you do there in Philadelphia?

FORGIE: I'm a chemical engineer. I help design renewable energy power plants.

PESCA: Oh, that's good.

FORGIE: Yeah.

PESCA: Is Philadelphia a hub for that?

FORGIE: You know (laughter) I'm actually working in New Jersey, which is - (laughter) - I guess less exciting than Philadelphia. Don't tell...

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: But it does desperately call out for recycling a little more, yeah.

FORGIE: (Laughter).

FORGIE: All right, Reese, let's introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian and director whose film "Call Me Lucky" is now on Netflix, Bobcat Goldthwait.

FORGIE: Hey, Bobcat.

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Next, we have a feature writer for the Style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Reese.

FORGIE: Hey, Roxanne.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: And a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "Innovation Nation" Saturday mornings on CBS, Mo Rocca.

FORGIE: Hey, Mo.

MO ROCCA: Hi, Reese.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Welcome to the show, Reese.

FORGIE: Thank you.

PESCA: We're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

FORGIE: I am ready.

PESCA: All right, here's your first quote from Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.

KURTIS: I just basically wanted to be wallpaper.

PESCA: Speaker - Speaker Ryan was referring to a couple hours he spent on TV stonefaced during what this week?

FORGIE: The State of the Union Address.

PESCA: That is correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Barack Obama's final State of the Union was billed as a break from the traditional speech where the president says the state of the union is strong and then he lists all the reasons why. So in this one, he listed the reasons first and then ended with the state of the union is strong. I guess the other way around is a spoiler or something.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: You know, if they wanted to deviate from - they were saying oh, we want to get away from the traditional laundry list of policy goals and do something nontraditional, they should have just gone with an actual laundry list, the president up there saying my fellow Americans, pants, pants, shirt, pants.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I - well, I mean, as for Paul Ryan's face, I thought it was more blue steel to me.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Yeah.

ROBERTS: He looked like a 12-year-old in church. I...

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: You could just tell he wanted to be anyplace else.

PESCA: And then Joe Biden was like his older brother trying to crack him up, but he was not cracking.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: I know.

PESCA: And speaking of Joe Biden, the president announced this big anticancer initiative, and he puts Joe Biden in charge. So Joe Biden - here's a guy who decides not to run for president because he can't face down Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton. But cure cancer - yeah, yeah, I got that.

ROCCA: Moon shot, moon shot.

PESCA: He's actually caught mouthing to Ryan - people who read his lips said he said, it's news to me, which is great, right? Spring it on a 73-year-old with no medical training.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Joe, you're curing cancer.

ROCCA: I actually - I must confess - I couldn't watch his speech...

PESCA: Really?

ROCCA: ...Because I was sick to my stomach. I really - I actually had food poisoning.

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh.

ROCCA: It was chicken marsala.

GOLDTHWAIT: Well, if we're disclosing our physical health...

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: That's what this is for, Bobcat.

GOLDTHWAIT: I - I had rotator cuff surgery a few weeks ago. And I'd just like to say to everyone listening in their cars and - I'm high as a kite right now.

PESCA: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: What's that? Now, is that covered by the Affordable Care Act?

GOLDTHWAIT: Well, you know what? I - I just know a guy.

ROCCA: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: All right, for your next quote, some inspiring advice.

KURTIS: You will not win. There is no chance you're going to win. It's not going to happen.

PESCA: That was The New York Times, ESPN and CNN all wrong because someone did win what on Wednesday?

FORGIE: The jackpot for the Powerball...

PESCA: Powerball...

FORGIE: ...Lottery.

PESCA: ...Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PESCA: On Wednesday, winners in multiple states learned they'd be splitting the largest jackpot of all time. It was $1.5 billion. It hurts to have to split it, but the winner from California was glad that the winner in Tennessee chose $1 year for 1.5 billion years.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Powerball jackpot also wound up being the Powerball of analogies because they had to put these very long odds in perspective, as if we didn't get that. So they told us you had less of a chance of winning Powerball than you did of getting into a fatal car accident on your way to buy a Powerball ticket. You had less of a chance of winning Powerball, we were told, than of having quintuplets. You had less of a chance of winning Powerball that you did of winning the Iowa caucuses. And - unless you're Martin O'Malley, then you should've gone with the Powerball.

GOLDTHWAIT: And how much was it? It was up to a half a billion?

ROBERTS: 1.5.

ROCCA: A billion and a half - 1.5 billion.

GOLDTHWAIT: I always think - I don't understand the fever, you know, that surrounds those numbers because it's like 100 million - eh...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: What am I going to do with 100 million? It's like a billion - now you're talking. Maybe I'll buy the ticket.

ROCCA: Yeah, everybody's ignoring them because when you walk by when I walked over here, it's 40 million now - ugh, who needs that?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Your last quote is from Mexican drug lord E Chapo.

KURTIS: Como se llama ese actor?

PESCA: El Chapo was asking who was that actor who interviewed him for Rolling Stone?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: So we'll ask you, Reese, who was that actor?

FORGIE: I know the answer. But first, I actually want to say something funny. You mentioned earlier about quintuplets. I am a quintuplet, so...

PESCA: You are a quintuplet.

ROCCA: Whoa, are you really?

GOLDTHWAIT: Wow.

FORGIE: I really am, so...

(APPLAUSE)

GOLDTHWAIT: We should...

ROBERTS: Wow.

FORGIE: I think I just won the lottery in some way.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

KURTIS: Yeah, you did.

GOLDTHWAIT: You need to go buy a Powerball ticket. What are the odds?

FORGIE: Yeah, right?

GOLDTHWAIT: Talking about a quintuplet...

KURTIS: Five tickets.

FORGIE: ...Million dollars that I won is nothing.

ROCCA: And are you playing this alone right now? You're not allowed to get any help.

FORGIE: (Laughter).

GOLDTHWAIT: Or are you just giving the phone and your voices sound exactly alike.

FORGIE: Right? Yes (laughter).

GOLDTHWAIT: So there's four of you growing up together...

ROBERTS: No, no, five.

ROCCA: Five - quintuplets.

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm on pills.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Get off my back.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Sean Penn.

PESCA: Wait - no.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Did you get into my stash? You wingnut.

ROBERTS: I'm just trying to...

GOLDTHWAIT: What did you do? You go, I know the answer.

ROCCA: She's a snitch.

GOLDTHWAIT: Wow.

PESCA: Yes, yes.

GOLDTHWAIT: That was bananas.

PESCA: Reese, we'll give it to you with the assist.

FORGIE: Oh, thank you.

PESCA: Sean Penn.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

ROCCA: After what we put you through.

PESCA: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: After the arrest of Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin El Chapo Guzman, it was revealed that he had been interviewed by Sean Penn. And it's a great read if you want to know what it's like to be Sean Penn. Sean Penn goes into excruciating detail about how he met the Mexican drug lord, how he drank tequila with the Mexican drug lord and how - this is true - how he passed wind with in front of the Mexican drug lord. It is odd that in a meeting between one of the world's most notorious drug kingpins and Sean Penn, the one you wind up hating is Sean Penn.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And he didn't know, rights - El Chapo did not know who he was.

PESCA: Yes.

ROCCA: (Unintelligible) Harvey Leche?

ROBERTS: Well, he apparently...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Que en es Harvey Leche?

ROBERTS: OK, so I just read this but apparently he has this massive crush on this actress, who was the one...

ROCCA: Oh, my God, Kate del Castillo.

ROBERTS: Right...

PESCA: Yes.

ROBERTS: ...Who facilitated this...

ROCCA: Forget William and Kate, it's Joaquin and Kate now.

ROBERTS: ...And was just so excited that she was going to be there and didn't care about this other guy at all, right?

PESCA: Barely put up with him. In fact, he said the difference between dealing with Sean Penn and prison is there's no way to tunnel out of Sean Penn.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Tiempos Rapidos At Ridgemont High?

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: No conozco.

PESCA: Hey, Bill, how did Reese do in our game?

KURTIS: Reese was just wonderful.

GOLDTHWAIT: How would he have done if Roxanne didn't give him the answer?

ROCCA: Yes, yes.

KURTIS: And because she did, we're going to give him five points, one for each.

(APPLAUSE)

PESCA: Reese, thank you very much for playing our game.

FORGIE: Thank you, Mike.

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