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Limericks

Limericks

Limericks
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Bill reads three news-related limericks...Drug Foo Young; Second To Nun; Al-Gore-Ithm

MIKE PESCA, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on-air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924 - or click the contact us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show at the Brooklyn Academy of Music March 10. Also, you can check out our How To Do Everything podcast. This week, how to be Donald Trump. Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

SCOTT DURKEE: Hi, this is Scott from Vashon Island in Washington state.

PESCA: Hello, Scott from Vashon Island. Where is Vashon Island?

DURKEE: It's just off the coast but right between Seattle and Tacoma.

PESCA: Closer to which one?

DURKEE: Actually, right in the middle.

PESCA: Tell me about the culture of islanders like you, Scott.

DURKEE: Gosh, I don't know. Ex-hippie or even hippie comes to mind - kind of laid-back and alternative lifestyle. The island is really like that. Like, for example, I don't really have a job, and a lot of people on the island are like me.

(LAUGHTER)

DURKEE: I have several jobs. I work at a winery, and I help out with water systems, and I'm a kind of part-time carpenter. And just last spring, I started to farm marijuana.

PESCA: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

BILL KURTIS: Fantastic.

PETER GROSZ: Just last spring?

PESCA: Well, I'll tell you this, Scott - between the winery and the marijuana, you're going to do great on our quiz.

(LAUGHTER)

DURKEE: Let's see.

PESCA: So Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you're a winner. And now here's your first limerick.

KURTIS: Since garlic sauce just isn't roping them, we'll snare some more diners by doping them with extracts of poppies. Our restaurant's hopping. We've seasoned our food with some...

DURKEE: Oh, let's see - opium.

KURTIS: Opium it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PESCA: It is opium.

KURTIS: I knew you'd be perfect for this.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: A group of restaurants in China has found a way to keep customers coming back for more by secretly getting them hooked on drugs. It's can't miss. The problem is, it's very illegal. Over 30 restaurants are under investigation for seasoning their food with opium. Sure, General Tso's chicken is great, but have you tried General Tso's speedball?

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Said one diner, when I experienced this delicious meal at a low, low price, I thought I was hallucinating. And I was.

(LAUGHTER)

SHELBY FERO: I mean, we took the MSG away. Like, what do they have?

PESCA: Yeah - look, as long as we don't give them MSG, they're not going to complain.

GROSZ: Exactly, yeah. We're testing for MSG and we didn't find any, so we're good. We're good here. You get an A.

PESCA: Scott, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The reality prize to be won is a marriage to God's only son. The camera tracks how we all deal with our vows. It's a show about becoming a...

DURKEE: ...A nun?

KURTIS: Nun it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PESCA: It is nun. The new Spanish show "I Want To Be A Nun" promises viewers an inside look at the wild antics of the convent.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: It's your standard reality show with a slight twist. It's a group of women competing for the attention of one man. In this case, it's not some rich, handsome bachelor; it's Jesus.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: And if you win, your prize is you never get to have sex again.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: So the people who - is it only one of them gets to be a nun?

FERO: The Church only has room for one.

PESCA: That doesn't seem fair to.

KURTIS: Yeah.

GROSZ: Yeah, we're seriously devoted. Take the reality show part away - we want to be nuns. You cannot be a nun because you lost the reality show game.

PESCA: Yes - at the end of the episode the crushing rosary ceremony.

GROSZ: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: What would be really great is if they took all the losers from the bachelor...

PESCA: Yeah.

BODETT: ...To a convent.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: It would up that game some, don't you think?

PESCA: Yeah, it is more - less like a game show-type game and more like a "Keeping Up With The Corinthians" type.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: All right, here is the last limerick.

KURTIS: Political speeches aren't so hot. Preparing them seems to take no thought. I think that AI should give it a try. A stump speech that's made by a...

DURKEE: ...A robot.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PESCA: Yes.

KURTIS: Are you good or what? Our greatest leaders are often our greatest orators - ask not what your country can do for you, the better angels of our nature, I did not have sex with that woman. It takes dedication and a team of writers to craft such inspiration - but not anymore. A group of programmers say they've designed software based on thousands of speeches and floor debates that will produce rousing political speeches in seconds. Like, here's an example - dog gone right, we're angry; right-winging bitter-clinging proud clingers of our guns. Could a human write that?

BODETT: You know, that Google app would not have let that through.

KURTIS: Yeah.

BODETT: She would be doing math problems to get that one out.

PESCA: The Google app would be like the Secret Serviceman just throwing his body in the way of her, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

PESCA: Dale, tell me - how did Scott do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got them all right.

PESCA: Good job.

DURKEE: Thank you.

PESCA: Scott, thanks so much.

DURKEE: Yeah, it's been fun. Thanks.

PESCA: Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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