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Who's Bill This Time
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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time
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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...One Hand Clapping; Get On My Political Lawn!; The Smirker.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey football fans and turn off the game. Let me be your super Bill - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you Bill. Thank everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much, great to be back with you. We have got a wonderful show for you today. I am so excited. Actress Lena Headey will be joining us later. She, of course, plays the evil manipulative Queen Cersei on "Game Of Thrones." Of course, this is all just fantasy. In the real world, somebody like her would never talk to somebody like me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But you can - give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.

RON BURLEY: Hi, this is Ron Burley in Eugene, Ore.

SAGAL: Hi, how are things in Eugene?

BURLEY: It's the Prius-driving capital of the world and it's green.

SAGAL: It's green, it's very green, I understand that. Is it Eugene or Eugene?

BURLEY: It's Eugene.

SAGAL: Eugene.

BURLEY: And we're in the Willamette Valley for all...

ROY BLOUNT, JR.: Ah, yes...

BURLEY: ...Those people that say Willamette...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURLEY: ...You're wrong.

SAGAL: So you're in the Willamette Valley and it's Eugene. You should always - so you're - basically, you're always sounding a little bit surprised. Well, welcome to the show, Ron. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian who will be performing at the Helium Comedy Club in St. Louis on February 11 through 14, and the star of "Historically Incorrect," premiering on Showtime on February 19. It's Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: How are you doing, Ron?

BURLEY: Hey, thank you, excellent.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a humorist and the author of the upcoming book "Save Room For Pie," Roy Blount Jr.

(APPLAUSE)

BURLEY: Hi, Roy.

BLOUNT: Hey, Ron.

SAGAL: And lastly, making her debut our panel, it's a comedian who will be at the Comedy Nest in Montreal on February 11 through the 13 it's Helen Hong.

HELEN HONG: Hey. Hi, Ron.

BURLEY: Hey, hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, Ron, you are going to play Who's Bill This Time? Of course, Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

BURLEY: Let's go.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "Please clap."

(APPLAUSE)

BLOUNT: That's a better response than the original.

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know. So that was somebody pleading with an audience in New Hampshire to show some enthusiasm for him after his stirring sixth-place finish in Iowa. Who was it?

BURLEY: Jeb Bush.

SAGAL: It was Jeb Bush, yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I know, I know, we should be talking about Donald Trump or Ted Cruz. But let's take a moment to honor the worst hype-man in all of politics.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We just cannot take our eyes away from Jeb Bush. He's a little like a slow-motion car wreck. But a car wreck would be much more interesting. It might actually catch fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Let's say that Jeb Bush is just - he's a flaming car wreck's little brother.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: You know, #DropOutJeb is trending as a hashtag on Twitter.

SAGAL: Really?

HONG: But it's not even trending that high.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You think he won't drop out 'cause the family won't let him home until he's president?

BLOUNT: Think of all the years that he's put into this - Jeb has put into this - and he's going to be remembered for that.

SAGAL: I mean, it is true though that will be his thing. It'll be what oops was to Rick Perry, what (shouting) ya was to Howard Dean.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: One more thing that his brother's going to hold over him.

BLOUNT: Yeah.

SAGAL: Right.

BODDEN: You know Thanksgiving dinner's going to be please clap.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, we should go back to the winner. Ted Cruz began his victory speech after he won the Iowa caucuses by saying, to God be the glory. That translates to allahu akbar.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It actually kind of does. His victory speech went very long on Monday night. It was annoying because he started it after 11 p.m. Eastern Time, and a lot of people had to start moving to Canada.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, we'll just do it in the morning. Marco Rubio came in third and celebrated it like it was a huge victory. It was like he was playing first-grade T-ball. Sure, he's a winner - you know, the important thing was that he had fun.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It is really - for candidates his age, it's all about the snacks anyway. So after his big victory speech, his aides strapped him into the car seat so he could sleep on the way to New Hampshire.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I'm fascinated that Ben Carson basically beat the whole kiddie-table from the debates, right? I mean, he's a black Republican, and those aren't real.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: So the fact that the other black person in Iowa probably didn't vote for him...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Ron, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: "Thank you, Iowa."

BURLEY: Ready.

KURTIS: "It looks like we're in a virtual tie."

SAGAL: That victory cry came from a man celebrating his non-victory, non-loss on the Democratic side. Who was it?

BURLEY: Oh, I think that was that darned socialist, Bernie Sanders.

SAGAL: Right...

BODDEN: Yes.

SAGAL: I'm glad you specified...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Which socialist it was. Bernie Sanders...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Democratic candidates lived up to their party's great tradition, and they both managed to lose.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hard to do. Hillary Clinton just edged out Bernie Sanders in a race so close that in six precincts - this is true - the winner of the caucus was decided - seriously - by a coin toss. They tried "Rock, Paper, Scissors," but Bernie thinks that game was corrupted by Big Paper.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And Clinton said she would need two weeks to focus group each of her choices. Hillary - I have to say this, Hillary cannot catch a break. She wins the Iowa caucus but people say it's not really a win because, you know, Bernie did so well and you should've won it walking away. She has been accused of lacking the inspirational fire of a 74-year-old Jewish grandfather.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So she's doing her best to increase her energy and her intensity. But instead of sounding passionate, she just comes across as kind of loud, like she's a tourist in a foreign country who is trying to get the natives understand English.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm likable. It is unfair though, she yells, she gets criticized for being shrill. Bernie Sanders yells all the time, and it's like oh, grandpa's hearing aid has gone out again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Doesn't that sound right?

BODDEN: I think Hillary Clinton hates the two words grassroots campaign more than she hates the two words Monica Lewinsky.

(GROANING)

HONG: Oh, yikes.

BODDEN: I'll take the groan. I don't care.

SAGAL: You don't care.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT: Please groan.

SAGAL: Bernie, who is 74 years old, was boosted to his near-victory in Iowa by younger voters. He got a massive majority of people under 30, which is odd until you realize he is a white-haired kindly old man who promises to give them lots of free things.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No wonder they love him - he is Santa Claus.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Imagine how disappointed all those kids are going to be when they find out that in the end, it was really their parents who paid for college.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: "Hard to accept that these imbeciles represent the people in our government."

SAGAL: That was the former head of a pharmaceutical company and the world's first real-life super villain testifying before Congress. Who was it?

BURLEY: Martin Shkreli.

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: That's it. (Unintelligible).

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Very good - that's even pronounced well.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: That's his name.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Also known as the pharmabro (ph). Mr. Shkreli is like a strange performance artist devoted to becoming the most-hated person in America. And just as I said that, somewhere Ted Cruz muttered to himself give me time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Shkreli became famous, as you say, last year for buying the rights to a drug that AIDs victims and others need for their care and then jacking up the price 5,000 percent. Now, I should say that what Bill quoted him as saying, he did not say. He tweeted it before a hearing in front of Congress. During Congress, he didn't say anything. He took the fifth - or I should say he smirked the fifth. He wouldn't even answer questions about the one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album he bought.

BLOUNT: Right.

HONG: Oh yeah.

SAGAL: The whole thing was pointless, except Congress finally found a witness that made them look good in comparison.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: He looks and sounds like a villain from, like, a Jim Henson "Fraggle Rock" situation.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HONG: Like, the Shkreli...

SAGAL: He does - he does...

HONG: ...Right?

SAGAL: ...Look like he was...

HONG: Like...

SAGAL: ...Made of some kind of evil felt.

HONG: Yeah, like...

SAGAL: I agree with you.

BODDEN: He's a horrible person, but it's kind of funny that the one he tweeted out is something everyone can agree with.

SAGAL: That's true.

BODDEN: It's hard to believe these imbeciles run the country. Well, that's the only time we agree with you.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I think it would be great if right about now, the Wu-Tang Clan pulled out a second copy of that album.

SAGAL: Yes.

BODDEN: said oh, we're sorry, we made another one.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BLOUNT: And cut the price to 25 cents.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Ron do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Ron got them all right, three in a row.

SAGAL: Well done, Ron, congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

BURLEY: Thank you.

KURTIS: Good job. good job.

BURLEY: It was the highlight of my day.

SAGAL: Thank you, Ron.

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