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Limericks

Limericks

Limericks
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Bill reads three news-related limericks...Om Delivery, Selfie Improvement; Dawdling Dino

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up it's Lighting Fill-In-The-Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for that rhyme. If you'd like to play on-air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the contact us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. You can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago and our show at the Brooklyn Academy of Music on March 10. And be sure to check out the latest How To Do Everything. This week, Mike and Ian tell you how to leave a voicemail message that is not awkward.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi, you're on "WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME."

BECKY WOOLEY: Hi, this is Becky Wooley. I'm from Chattanooga, Tenn.

SAGAL: Hey. How are things in Chattanooga?

WOOLEY: Well, the weather is strange. We've had 70 degrees, and now we're having 40 degrees.

SAGAL: I like that. What do you do there, Becky?

WOOLEY: I am an author.

SAGAL: Oh, really?

WOOLEY: I have written three - well, two clerical crime mysteries and working on a third.

SAGAL: I'm sorry. Did you just say clerical crime mysteries?

WOOLEY: Clerical crime - it's the genre similar to "Father Brown" by G.K. Chesterton.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

ROY BLOUNT, JR.: So it's not preachers gone bad. The preachers solve the mysteries.

(LAUGHTER)

WOOLEY: The preachers are solving the mystery, yes.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Becky. Now Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play?

WOOLEY: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right, here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: When I'm up late at night in a funk, I surf and I buy random junk. He's not a nudist, but might be a Buddhist because Amazon sent me a...

WOOLEY: Monk?

SAGAL: Yes, a monk. Very good, Becky.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: You could work him in.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In Japan, Amazon had introduced Mr. Monk delivery. For a small fee, they will send a Zen Buddhist monk to your home, hopefully in breathable packaging.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They'll pray for your loved ones. They'll meditate with you - basic monk stuff. Now, with Amazon Prime, it's free.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But the small print does note that none of us are free as long as we cling to anger and desire.

(LAUGHTER)

HELEN HONG: Are the monks delivered via drone?

SAGAL: No, well, that would be the next step. This is just proof that you can get anything on Amazon. Like, these are all true, you have a tattoo you regret? They will send you a tattoo removal laser.

HONG: Wow.

SAGAL: You can get glow-in-the-dark toilet paper for reasons that beggar the imagination.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And there's even - and this is true - you can go over to the Kindle section and download an erotic novel based on Microsoft Office...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Called "Conquered By Clippy."

(LAUGHTER)

ALONZO BODDEN: I always wondered what happened to old Clippy.

SAGAL: Yeah, just imagining Clippy saying I see you're doing something unspeakable. Can I help?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Camera raised, set your chins in relief. But your smiles are protruding white wreath. Many people are vain, and we dentists shall gain because selfies distort views of...

WOOLEY: Teeth?

SAGAL: Yes, teeth.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: If it fits.

SAGAL: Maybe this has happened to you. Maybe this has happened to you. You take a selfie and you look at it and you're, like, oh my God, I have a giant horse mouth. I must go to the dentist immediately to get that repaired. Turns out, it's not true. It's a sort of artifact of the way phone cameras work. But a dentist in London says they've noticed a 30 percent rise in people requesting correction for horsey teeth.

BLOUNT: Oh.

SAGAL: The dentists do not do the surgery. Of course, that would be unethical. They simply give the patient a carrot and brush its beautiful mane.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: When Jurassic beasts roar, trust your reflex. Standing still is the cameraman's pretext. As we thought all along, Steven Spielberg was wrong. You could totally outrun a...

WOOLEY: Oh, dear it's a name of a dinosaur?

SAGAL: It is, that rhymes with reflex and pretext.

WOOLEY: Tyrannosaurs Rex.

SAGAL: Yes, or a T. Rex.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes, how about that?

HONG: Yay.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Good for you.

SAGAL: So paleontologists have been studying this set of T. Rex footprints. And they believe that a human could actually run faster than a dinosaur. They measured the distance between the tracks, and they did some calculations. And they figured out that the dinosaur moved at about five miles an hour. And the scientists say that at that speed, most humans could outrun the T. Rex. But if you've ever been stuck walking behind somebody staring at their phone, you know that's not true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The researchers are studying this trail of three footprints that was recently discovered in Wyoming. When asked why the footprints disappeared after just three steps, the scientists replied well, that's when Jesus tried to carry the dinosaur and the dinosaur ate him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Becky do?

KURTIS: Becky was great. Our mystery writer solved every mystery.

SAGAL: Well done, Becky. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

WOOLEY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you for playing. Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many of fill-in-the-blank questions as he or she can, each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

KURTIS: Roy and Helen each have three. Alonzo has two.

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