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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Grand Old Chaos, Senior Moment, All The Single Lobsters

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Come join my secret society - the Billuminati. I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We do have a great show for you this week. Later on, we're going to be talking to Mark and Jay Duplass, the writing, directing, acting brothers who are responsible for "Togetherness" on HBO, the film "The One I Love," "The League," basically everything ever, they did it. But this weekend is Valentines Day. And we wanted every person out there who somehow didn't get a Valentine from their loved one to know he or she got you this show. That's right - we got a call from him or her and he or she asked us to make this show especially for you to show his or her love.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All we want from you is a sign of affection is that you give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let us welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.

MARNIE BABBITT: Hi, this is Marnie Babbitt from Flagstaff, Ariz.

SAGAL: Hey, Marnie Babbitt. How are you?

BABBITT: I'm doing well, thank you, Peter. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm well. I really like your name, Marnie Babbitt. That is a great name. You should be the protagonist of your own television show.

(LAUGHTER)

BABBITT: I think so, too, or maybe my own radio show.

SAGAL: Hey, stay off my turf that, Babbitt.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Marnie. Let me introduce you to our panel. First, a comedian performing at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C., on April 1 and whose book "I'm Not A Terrorist, But I've Played One On TV" is now in paperback - it's Maz Jobrani.

(APPLAUSE)

MAZ JOBRANI: Hi Marnie Babbitt.

(APPLAUSE)

JOBRANI: That's tough to say.

SAGAL: Next, a feature writer for the Style section for The Washington Post and a sophisticated woman about town, Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Marnie.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a correspondent for CBS Sunday Morning and the host of "The Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" Saturday mornings on CBS, it's Mo Rocca.

(APPLAUSE)

MO ROCCA: Hi, Marnie. I would listen to Marnie Edition.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Marnie, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - the voices scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

BABBITT: I am so ready.

SAGAL: I can tell. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "Oh wow, wow, wow - wow, so beautiful, so beautiful."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was somebody beginning his victory speech after winning the Republican New Hampshire primary. Who was it?

BABBITT: Donald Trump.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed. It was Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We are going to start the show with the Republican primary for the same reason you would start a conversation with the news that the house is on fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In New Hampshire, Donald Trump saw his shadow, and now we have at least eight more weeks of Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you heard his reaction to his big win - wow, wow, wonderful. It's beautiful. Donald Trump says the things in victory that most people say during a massage.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: The thing I hear most supporters say is they say - they go I love him because he says what's on his mind. He just says what's on his mind, what's on his mind. And then you go well, what about his policies? They go I don't know about his policies. He just says what's on his mind. And I actually encountered it with my Iranian mother. I kid you not; she fell for it. She goes, I like this guy because he says what's on his mind. And I said, mom, if he wins he's anti-immigrant. Your relatives couldn't come to visit you. And she goes, I don't like them anyway.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: So there you go.

ROCCA: I'm happy for - am I jumping the gun here by saying that I read today that Bush's - that Jeb Bush's donors were thrilled that he came in fourth?

SAGAL: That's true, they were.

ROCCA: We're number four.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, no, it's - everybody had written Jeb Bush off. But he actually did better than expected. But more than that, Marco Rubio did worse. He, of course, Saturday night before the primary, he totally flamed out. Chris Christie says, you know, you're acting like a robot. And Rubio's like (imitating robot) that does not compute.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: After, you know, he totally flamed out in New Hampshire, Rubio said - and he said this, this is a quote - "we've had how many, eight debates, and 7.95 of those debates I did very well on," unquote. OK, Mr. Rubio, when people are calling you a robot, it's not a good idea to start spouting numbers down to the second decimal.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good, very good. Here is another victory speech from Tuesday night.

KURTIS: "And you know what that average contribution was? Twenty-seven dollars."

SAGAL: What a bargain. Who was this big...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Cut-rate winner?

BABBITT: Was it Bernie?

SAGAL: It was Bernie.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: No last name necessary.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bernie Sanders completely dominated the Democratic primary with the overwhelming support of young people while old people went for Hillary Clinton. This is because unlike old people, young people do not know what old people, like Bernie Sanders, are like.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you know what it's like, guys, to watch your grandfather eat? Imagine that running the country.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The State of the Union will be delivered in 15-minute bouts between bathroom breaks, and all of emergency addresses to the nation from the Oval Office will have to be moved before 6:00 p.m.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Think how much could get done if meetings only lasted 15 minutes.

SAGAL: That's true.

ROCCA: Free and sure for all.

SAGAL: Now, since of course as we have already indicated, the winner of the New Hampshire primary inevitably will become the president. Now we have to think about a Sanders administration. It would be very different, of course, Bernie Sanders being Bernie Sanders. Air Force One will just be whatever Southwest Airlines flight happens to be going where he needs to go. Bernie will be like well, they offered me boarding group A, but that's, like, $15 extra.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Is every state dinner going to be an early-bird special now?

SAGAL: It will be.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But it is crazy what happened in New Hampshire this week. I mean, Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump. It's like they went to the store during a blizzard and there were only two loaves of bread left.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There was one loaf of bread that was old, white and crusty and another loaf of bread that was completely insane.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I smell a remake of "Grumpy Old Men."

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So whether or not we ever get a female president of the United States, we already have a queen, and here she is.

KURTIS: "When he loves me good, I take his [expletive] to Red Lobster."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who says...

ROBERTS: My God.

SAGAL: ...In much more explicit terms in her new song that she'll take you for a nice meal at Red Lobster if you treat her right?

BABBITT: Beyonce.

SAGAL: Beyonce, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Last week, Queen Bey - Beyonce dropped a new song and video, "Formation." And this is true - and just because of that one line, she personally increased sales at Red Lobster restaurants by 30 percent.

JOBRANI: Are you serious?

SAGAL: I'm not - I'm serious. Listen people - the way she said it was first, you get with Beyonce, then you get to go to Red Lobster. It doesn't work in the other direction.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: So it's like Peyton Manning and Budweiser and Beyonce and Red Lobster.

SAGAL: Well, that is really strange because, I mean, you think about it - she just drops Red Lobster in the song, instantly sales go up. She has such power, she could use it for good. It's like when he bleep me good, I take his [expletive] to at the March of Dimes.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Or how about when he bleeps me good, I give to NPR.

SAGAL: Yeah, that would be nice. Beyonce, if you're listening, we'll take that.

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: I think - I think she should have taken him to Olive Garden because when you're there, you're family.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: It would've had a nice ending.

SAGAL: It's true.

JOBRANI: Mo, you know, this discussion was being had - there was a boss at Olive Garden going why couldn't you get us into that song? Just yelling - heads are going to roll. It should've been Olive Garden.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Marnie do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, Marnie is a perfect winter. You get to go to Red Lobster.

(APPLAUSE)

BABBITT: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now Red Lobster sales dip because of that.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "CRAZY IN LOVE")

BEYONCE: (Singing) Got me looking so crazy right now. Your love's got me looking so crazy right now, got me looking so crazy right now. Your touch got me looking so crazy right now, got me hoping you'll page me right now. Your kiss got me hoping you'll save me right now, looking so crazy in love, got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love.

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