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Who's Bill This Time
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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time
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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Where's The Beef From, Pure Socialism, Next Day Rocketshipping

BILL KURTIS: From NPR WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey ladies, get your tickets to the Billith Fair. I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in Brooklyn, N.Y., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Great to be back in Brooklyn, N.Y., where even the children are bearded and artisinally made.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, joining us later to play our game will be Josh Groban, heartthrob and balladeer. And it's a good thing because after this upcoming election, the "Star-Spangled Banner" just is not going to cut it anymore. So who better than Josh Groban to introduce our new national anthem - "O Canada, Do You Have Room For Us?"

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But first, we want to hear your voice. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT… DON’T TELL ME.

SHERRY PANOSKA: Hi, it's Sherry Panoska.

SAGAL: Hi Sherry. Where are you calling from?

PANOSKA: I'm coming from Atlanta, but I'm originally from Chicago. And I grew up watching Bill Kurtis on TV my entire childhood.

SAGAL: Wow.

PANOSKA: Yeah, it was very cool.

(APPLAUSE)

PANOSKA: So Bill, I really missed you when I moved to Atlanta.

KURTIS: Well, aren't you sweet, Sherry? How old are you now?

PANOSKA: I'm not going to tell you, so that would make me feel very old.

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: I think - I think...

KURTIS: Right.

SALIE: ...They call her whole generation Bill Kurtis babies, right...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: ...In Chicago?

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, welcome...

PANOSKA: Right.

SAGAL: ...To the show, Sherry. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and author of the book "Approval Junkie" to be published next month by Crown Archetype, Faith Salie is here.

SALIE: Hi Sherry.

PANOSKA: Hey Faith.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's another correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "Henry Ford's Innovation Nation." That's Saturday mornings on CBS. It's Mo Rocca.

PANOSKA: Hi Mo.

MO ROCCA: Hi Sherry.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And lastly, a comedian who is to my knowledge not a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning." But she is performing in Atlanta at the Variety Playhouse on April 2 with a second show just added. It's Paula Poundstone.

PANOSKA: Hey Paula.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hi Sherry.

PANOSKA: I'm (unintelligible) going to see you.

SAGAL: So Sherry, welcome to the show. You'll start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis right here will recreate for you three quotations from the week's new. Your job - I bet you know this - explain or identify just two of them. Do that you'll win our prize - the voice of the immortal, the ineffable Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

PANOSKA: I am.

SAGAL: All right, let's hear your first quote.

KURTIS: "Do we have steaks? We have steaks."

SAGAL: That was somebody who literally was offering raw meat to his supporters on Tuesday night after his latest big electoral win. Who was it?

PANOSKA: That was Donald Trump.

SAGAL: It was Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: After Trump's big win this week on Tuesday, the networks all ignored all the other candidates and just broadcast Trump rambling on for 45 minutes. It's OK - it's just a preview of what state television will be like after he's elected.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: What was the steak thing? I didn't see it.

SAGAL: This is...

POUNDSTONE: I saw the picture.

ROCCA: They were actually - they were beef tips. They were very short, stubby beef tips...

SAGAL: Beef tips.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At his victory press conference, whatever it was, he had his - minions? - I think he actually has minions - assemble this pile of steaks, which he called Trump Steaks. And he wanted to show off his brand. He is not, it turns out - we looked into this - the first prominent politician to use his position to boost his personal brand. We remember, for example, FDR telling us that the only thing we have to fear is running out of these tasty Roosevelt Rye Crackers.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or Lincoln - a house divided cannot stand. And you know what I can't stand? Getting up multiple times in the night to urinate. That's...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Why I recommend Honest Abe's Continence Tonic.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The real big story is sort of the political end of Marco Rubio...

ROCCA: Right...

SAGAL: ...Who just...

ROCCA: ...Poor Marco.

SAGAL: ...Collapsed. It's gotten so bad for him that kids in pools are now playing "Marco Rubio Polo."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's when Marco Rubio closes his eyes and he yells Marco and all the other kids get out and go to the pool where Donald Trump is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: OK, very good. Here, Sherry, is your next quote.

KURTIS: "He has a renovating and revolutionary message."

SAGAL: That was the socialist president of Venezuela talking about someone who got a big upset win in Michigan this week. Who is the socialist president of Venezuela totally not helping with his endorsement?

(LAUGHTER)

PANOSKA: Might that be Bernie Sanders?

SAGAL: Bernie Sanders, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In the big, big surprise, Bernie Sanders won Michigan this week. Bernie himself was not ready for the news. He didn't even have a victory speech ready.

ROCCA: And he has no product to peddle.

SAGAL: No.

ROCCA: It's kind of lame.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It makes sense. When you're 74, all the surprises you expect are bad ones. Surprise - your prostate has doubled in size.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bernie - I don't know if you saw this - he looked as if he had already gone to bed on Tuesday night when they woke him come up to make his victory speech. So his speech was just, like, a woozy description of his dream. Well, it's like Castro was there and Ben and Jerry were there and I was the only one without a beard. And...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, Bernie's appeal - we are told - is that he is appealing to outsiders, people who are angry at the system, just like Trump voters. In fact, there are people - and this is true - who say they are undecided between Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump. That is like saying you know, I don't know what I would like to have for dinner. I could have a healthy vegan salad or whatever is in this flaming bag somebody left on my doorstep.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: I smell an awesome remake of "Grumpy Old Men..."

SAGAL: Really?

ROCCA: ...With the two of them.

SAGAL: Sherry, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: "Maybe we'll limit initial sales to Prime members. That's a good idea."

SAGAL: So that was Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon. He was joking that only Amazon Prime members would be allowed to buy the first tickets where?

ROCCA: (Groans).

SAGAL: Some place that Mo apparently doesn't like.

ROCCA: It just sounds boring.

SAGAL: Well, hang on, let's let her see if she can guess it.

PANOSKA: Is this a country I'm supposed to come up with or a city?

SAGAL: Actually not, weirdly enough.

PANOSKA: Is it outer space?

SAGAL: It is.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Space, yes.

KURTIS: Yeah...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: ...Sherry.

POUNDSTONE: How is that boring?

ROCCA: I just...

SAGAL: Well, let me explain and then...

POUNDSTONE: OK.

SAGAL: Mo can dump all over it.

POUNDSTONE: OK.

SAGAL: So with this company Blue Origin, Jeff Bezos joins Elon Musk and Paul Allen from Microsoft and Richard Branson, they all have their rocket companies. Space is getting filled up with rich people. It's crazy, the gentrification on Mars is pushing out all the ethnic Martians.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You'll get all the way there just to find out there's no parking space left at that Whole Foods either.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you're bored by this? Are you bored? Why are you bored by this?

ROCCA: I just - I would rather go, say - it should be a trip to the Amazon. I think that would be clever.

SAGAL: Yes, because...

ROCCA: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Amazon - that'd be nice.

ROCCA: And it would be more interesting. There are toucans there. There are no toucans in space.

SAGAL: Right.

ROCCA: They don't even drink Tang anymore when they go up there.

POUNDSTONE: I think you're putting the accent on the wrong syllable when you say toucan.

SALIE: Toucan.

SAGAL: Toucans.

POUNDSTONE: Toucans - I thought there were two cans, like...

SALIE: Right.

POUNDSTONE: ...People were littering the Amazon.

ROCCA: Toucan.

POUNDSTONE: Two cans...

SALIE: Toucan.

POUNDSTONE: ...Would be like a can of soda and a can of Fresca. That would be two cans.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I would go to space in a heartbeat. I...

SALIE: Really?

POUNDSTONE: ...Think it sounds so exciting. Yeah, I would really - I would really like to. And I think I would be good.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At space.

POUNDSTONE: Just at everything. I mean, I saw "The Martian" with Matt Damon, and I thought I could do that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: You were watching him, for example, grow potatoes in soil fertilized with their own waste and you're like yeah, I could do that.

POUNDSTONE: Well, no, mostly I was thinking I could talk into a camera about everything I did.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That I...

SAGAL: That you could do, Paula.

POUNDSTONE: I think I would be good at that...

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...Just entertaining myself...

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...For long periods of time. Yeah, I think I would be good at that.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sherry do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Must've been all those years of watching me on television news. She got three straight. She's a winner.

POUNDSTONE: All right, Sherry.

SAGAL: Very well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Sherry.

PANOSKA: Thank you, Peter. Thank you, Bill.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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