NPR logo

Bluff The Listener

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/524012344/524101851" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Bluff The Listener

Bluff The Listener

Bluff The Listener

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/524012344/524101851" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Our panelists read three stories about crime that does not pay, only one of which is true.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This week - thank you, everybody - we are digging into the archives to play for you some favorite segments and some never-before-heard material.

KURTIS: Last summer we went to Portland, Ore., and did a special show not for broadcast. That's why we were able to do it all nude.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was a good day. Here's the Bluff the Listener game from that show with panelists Luke Burbank, Jessi Klein and Alonzo Bodden.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

LAURA: Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited.

(LAUGHTER)

LAURA: This is Laura from Portland, Ore.

SAGAL: Laura from Portland, Ore.?

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Why are you on the phone? Come on down, we'll wait.

(LAUGHTER)

LAURA: I can't afford it. I work for the post office.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

LAURA: Thank you. Thank you, I need that.

SAGAL: Well, it's OK. What do you - so what - do you deliver mail? Are you actually out there, a mail carrier?

LAURA: Yeah, a letter carrier.

SAGAL: Really?

LAURA: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Is it fun?

LAURA: I can't talk to you about it because I think they may be listening.

SAGAL: I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

LAURA: I was actually wondering if you could meet me for a beer after the show.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So you live here in Portland. What great Portland things do you do to enjoy yourself?

LAURA: Well, I ran a marathon a couple weeks ago.

SAGAL: You did?

LAURA: Yeah, I did. Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's great. How'd that go?

LAURA: It was awful. I almost died, actually. I vomited the last three miles, so...

SAGAL: That's great. That's basically a standard marathon. Yeah, it's an awful thing.

LAURA: Exactly. Right.

SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah.

ALONZO BODDEN: Can I ask you something?

LAURA: Sure.

BODDEN: Why would somebody who walks around delivering the mail every day...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...Run a marathon? Like, don't you get tired?

LAURA: There's nobody normal that works for the post office. I'll just say that.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Apparently.

LUKE BURBANK: That was the second place for the motto. The first was, of course, neither rain nor sleet nor snow. And second place was...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Nobody normal here. Yeah.

BURBANK: ...Nobody normal works here.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, it's nice to have you with us, Laura. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. What is the topic, Bill?

KURTIS: You're busted.

SAGAL: Crime is rampant all over - thefts, carjackings. The only reason we're in Portland right now is because someone kidnapped us and dropped us off here.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But there is hope. We heard a story this week of the authorities coming to the rescue and proving crime does not pay. Our panelists are going to tell you all about it. Pick the real story, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

LAURA: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, first up let's hear from Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: If you want to hear a really outrageous story involving the Brits, check out what happened recently in Gloucestershire, England. A local charity was holding a fundraiser, which involved releasing 100 or so rubber duckies into the town river, which is called the River Windrush and sounds like a thing you have to cross during "Lord Of The Rings" to escape some orcs. Anyway, no sooner had the adorable, pretend water fowl started bobbing down the River Windrush than a swarm of police descended on the event to break it up. You see, according to an ancient bylaw, the river cannot be used on Sundays for fundraising purposes. Insanely, the only group allowed to hold an event on a Sunday is a brass band.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: The local business owners who called the police stand by their decision to crush the dreams of innocent children, pointing out that the group did not have the proper permit and had parked motorcycles all over the grass, which is really bad for it. On the plus side, the group says they still raised over 500 pounds at the event. On the minus side, after the Brexit, that comes out to about 85 cents, U.S.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The police raid an illegal rubber duck race in Gloucestershire. Your next story of justice prevailing comes from Jessi Klein.

JESSI KLEIN: For the last 11 years, Janice Hitchcock (ph) was a trusted employee in the engagement ring department of the legendary Tiffany's in New York City. By all accounts, she loved her job, which is why her coworkers were so shocked at Janice's dramatic arrest by an FBI task force at her 20-year high school reunion. It began during Friday inventory when her floor manager noticed that a 9-carat yellow diamond ring, valued at $3 million, was missing. Mara Sims (ph), a fellow associate, told police she'd heard Janice expressing anxiety about the reunion for weeks because her ex-boyfriend, Mark (ph), had posted on Facebook he was attending with his hot fiance.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: As cops sped towards the reunion, Janice was having a great time flashing her ring and talking about her imaginary fiance, who she described as an architect for the Navy SEALs.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Just as Janice and Mark were saying hi for the first time in two decades, a SWAT team burst through the door, guns drawn. Janice tried to explain she was always intending to return the ring on Monday morning, but they threw her to the ground and charged her with federal grand larceny. Still, there's a silver lining for Janice. Mark, who was so impressed by the lengths she went to impress him, has asked if she wants to go out again. As it turns out, his hot fiance was actually just a coworker friend from work who he brought so no one would notice he'd gained 50 pounds since high school.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The FBI raids a high school reunion to recover a valuable diamond. Your last story of a criminal mastermind getting undermined, it comes from Alonzo Bodden.

BODDEN: The secret service prides itself on monitoring social media, catching criminals who love to brag. They thought they caught some major players in Elko, a small Nevada casino town. The first tip was a Twitter direct message about having to make some money to bring down The Hat. Every time we start to get ahead, paying The Hat slows us down, said a player known only as Dog. He controls too much territory. We got to make our own money, responded Flat Iron. These conversations set off some red flags and the secret service grew more interested. Secret service agent Darrell Jones explained, upon hearing The Shoe brag about being able to duplicate cash with his new printer and Dog telling them they can't control the boardwalk, but they can build hotels all around it to bring The Hat down, the secret service planned their bust. You have to remember, there's talk of printing money and building hotels in a gambling town. We had to investigate. When we heard the meet to distribute the cash was going to be in the game room of the Gold Dust casino, we had to move and move fast. After a raid on the most sophisticated middle school monopoly cheats ever...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...We warned them cheating is no way to win and in real life jail is more than not passing go and not collecting $200.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, so here are your choices.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The police raided one of three things. Was it a rubber - an illegal rubber duck race on a river in Gloucestershire, England? Was it a high school reunion in Newton, Mass.? Or was it a monopoly game in Elko, Nev.? Which of these was the real story of crime not prevailing?

LAURA: I think it's the rubber duck. I think they did that.

SAGAL: So you're going to go for the rubber ducks?

LAURA: I believe so.

SAGAL: All right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, we tried to get the police authority in question to comment on this, but they were so embarrassed and upset by the coverage that they refused. So to bring you the real answer - well, just listen to this.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "SESAME STREET")

JIM HENSON: (As Ernie, singing) Rubber duckie, you're the one. You make bath time lots of fun...

SAGAL: That was, of course, "Rubber Duckie," the outlaw anthem of Gloucestershire. You were correct. Luke's story of the raid on the rubber duck race was the true story.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You've earned a point for Luke and you have won our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Very well done indeed. Thank you so much for playing.

LAURA: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

LAURA: OK, bye, you guys.

(SOUNDBITE OF BOBBY FULLER FOUR SONG, "I FOUGHT THE LAW")

Copyright © 2017 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.