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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...The Ministry of Flattery, Jeff Comedy Jam, A Kalanick Colonic

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Good news. For Father's Day, You get an edi-Bill (ph) arrangement. I'm Bill Kurtis, and here's your host at the Fox Theatre in Detroit, Mich., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is so great - it really is - to be here in Detroit. It is a city that has never looked better than it does right now. Downtown Detroit...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Downtown Detroit has got shops and cafes and even the occasional hipster.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The famous statue of Prometheus called The Spirit of Detroit, instead of a flame, his outstretched hand now offers a vanilla soy latte.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The car industry is back, too. Later on, we're going to be talking to the man in charge of building robot cars for General Motors. But we want to hear what you've been working on, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SARAH BISHOP: Hi, my name's Sarah Bishop, and I'm calling from Fallbrook, Calif.

SAGAL: Fallbrook, Calif., I do not know where that is. Where's that?

BISHOP: It is the avocado capital of the world. And it's kind of halfway between Los Angeles and San Diego.

SAGAL: Wait a minute, if you live in the avocado capital of the world, then you live in the capital of the world.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Sarah, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's the humorist whose latest book is "Save Room For Pie," it's Roy Blount Jr.

(APPLAUSE)

ROY BLOUNT JR: Hey, how are you doing?

SAGAL: Next, it's the syndicated advice columnist. Her new book is "Strangers Tend To Tell Me Things." It's Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY DICKINSON: Hi, Sarah.

SAGAL: And finally, the comedian performing June 23 through the 25 at Side Splitters in Tampa, Fla., it's our friend Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Sarah.

BISHOP: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Sarah, welcome to our show. I bet you know what happens now. Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, explain or identify two of them. Just to do that, you win our prize, the voice of the immortal Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

BISHOP: I am very much ready.

SAGAL: Your first quote is from a very, very grateful man.

KURTIS: We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was just one of the people who praised their boss so effusively on live TV this week. Who were they?

BISHOP: Oh, gosh, well, it was the president's Cabinet.

SAGAL: Yes, it was the Cabinet.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: In the most shocking news of a shocking week, 14 people, 14 people found something nice to say about Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The president began his first-ever Cabinet meeting by going around the table and having every single secretary effusively praise him. It was the most obsequious, suck-upy (ph) performance by a Cabinet since the dishes from "Beauty And The Beast" sang "Be Our Guest."

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Maybe - I mean, it was humiliating for the Cabinet. But maybe they thought they were giving it up for the country because a praised Trump is a happy Trump. And a happy Trump doesn't start a war with France 'cause he's still angry about that handshake.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I wonder if that's the worst part of a Cabinet position. In other words, when you get offered the job, you're like, yeah, I'd love to do it but, no, can't.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Can't just sit there and praise - it was like training a puppy. You're a good president.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You're such a good president.

(APPLAUSE)

BLOUNT JR: Maybe if we can all just suck it up and suck up to him and do all that, he won't do anything.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, what's interesting is - I don't know if you saw this - but he started it off by a good five minutes of praising himself.

BLOUNT JR: Yeah.

SAGAL: He claimed - he said this. He claimed to be the most successful president ever, except maybe, he conceded, FDR. But Trump says he wins the tiebreaker because, quote, "no wheels."

DICKINSON: Oh, no.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Peter.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: I just want to say, you are the greatest NPR host of all time.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: There's just never been anyone so intelligent and funny and - oh, I'm sorry...

SAGAL: Thank you...

BODDEN: I was...

SAGAL: No, no, no, thank you.

BODDEN: I was rehearsing.

DICKINSON: I...

SAGAL: Amy...

DICKINSON: Well...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I would speak, except I'm sure I'll be interrupted in the middle of my...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Sarah, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: I'm not able to be rushed this fast. It makes me nervous.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was somebody sputtering and getting a little lost as he was grilled by the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday. Who was it?

BISHOP: That would be Jeff Sessions.

SAGAL: It would be Jeff Sessions.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Attorney General Jeff Sessions. We also would have accepted his full name, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, or his nickname, Jeffy the racist house elf.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sessions went before the Senate Intelligence Committee to testify about his involvement with Russia and how he came to fire former FBI Director James Comey. But he did not answer a lot of the senators' questions. He invoked the legal principle of I don't want to.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then, as I'm sure Amy noticed, Senator Kamala Harris was questioning him very sharply about what bases he could possibly cite not to answer their questions. And that's when Sessions, you know, shouted out he was so uncomfortable - you're making me nervous.

BODDEN: Jeff Sessions is not from a world where black women talk back.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: And isn't it comforting to know our attorney general was flustered by questions?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What's it like in the Sessions house? What do you want for breakfast, honey? (Imitating Jeff Sessions) I don't know, you're making me nervous.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: By the way, is it worth mentioning that Jeff Sessions, our attorney general, looks like an old baby?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You keep expecting - really it's like, you know, like a Benjamin Button kind of thing. He was born just a little while ago looking that way. You kept expecting one of the senators not to ask him questions but just say, Attorney General Sessions, peek-a-boo.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Well, I have to say, Peter, as a black male in America, there's nothing more comforting than knowing the attorney general's name is Beauregard.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sarah, your last quote is a memo from the CEO of a company that's been in the news a lot recently. He's here telling his employees rules for an annual party.

KURTIS: We do not have a budget to bail anyone out of jail.

SAGAL: They haven't been arrested yet. But what company's execs apparently have been doing everything wrong?

BISHOP: Oh, OK, I'm going to have to guess on this one. But I'm pretty sure it's Uber.

SAGAL: It is Uber, of course.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The world's worst company that we cannot live without seems to be falling apart. First, they're famously obnoxious CE-bro, Travis Kalanick, announced he's taking an unspecified leave of absence from the company so he can spend more time with his prostitutes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It really seems so strange that one company can be so ridiculously and consistently bad. It's as if when Google, you know, came up with their slogan, don't be evil, the guys at Uber were like, hey, that's an untapped market.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Well, they can't bail you out of jail. But if you get out of jail, you've got a ride home.

DICKINSON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sarah do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Perfectly. She got them all right, all right - three - the avocado lady.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations. You better go check the avocadoes. They're probably ripe just now. Don't miss it.

(LAUGHTER)

BISHOP: Yeah.

SAGAL: Bye-bye, Sarah. Thank you.

BISHOP: Thank you, bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "MOTHERSHIP CONNECTION (STAR CHILD)")

PARLIAMENT: (Singing) Swing down, sweet chariot. Stop and let me ride. Swing down, sweet chariot. Stop and let me ride. Swing down, sweet chariot. Stop and let me ride.

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