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Limericks

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Limericks

Limericks

Limericks

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Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks...Nose Candy, Binge Driving, The Grain Of Truth

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our show in Dayton, Ohio on September 28. And if you're a fan of our panelist Paula Poundstone, be sure to check out her new podcast along with her friend Adam Felber Live From The Poundstone Institute. It's funny. It's smart. And it is free wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SHAYNA STUART DEEDS: Hello. This is Shayna Stuart Deeds from Topsham, Maine.

SAGAL: What do you do there?

DEEDS: During the school year, I teach environmental science and biology labs at Bowdoin College.

SAGAL: Oh, Bowdoin, that's great.

DEEDS: And then this summer I'm also....

SAGAL: And then what are you do during the summer?

DEEDS: I'm working on the national Wild and Scenic Rivers Program.

SAGAL: Oh, that's great.

DEEDS: You have one in Illinois.

SAGAL: We do?

DEEDS: Yeah.

SAGAL: Where is it?

DEEDS: The middle fork of the Vermillion River. South of you is a national Wild and Scenic River.

SAGAL: Really?

DEEDS: Yeah.

SAGAL: You mean there's a river near Chicago that we haven't turned into a sewer?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, thank you so much for calling. It's great to have you. Shayna, you are going to play our Limerick Challenge. Bill Kurtis right here is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

DEEDS: I'm excited to play.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: This trend we are sad to report is a habit far worse than Malort. It's powdered cacoa for your nostrils somehow. It's chocolate for people to...

DEEDS: Snort.

SAGAL: Yes, snort.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

DEEDS: (Laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: If your problem with chocolate is that it tastes too good, then you should try snortable Coco Loko. Coco because of the cocoa bean and loko because it's as dumb as standing in front of a locomotive.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The powdered chocolate allows you to bypass your tongue tunnel and route it right into your sinuses. It's kind of a cocaine starter kit for yuppie kids.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Each snort is filled with stimulants. And every container of Coko Loko comes with a straw so kids won't have to roll up their monopoly money.

(LAUGHTER)

NEGIN FARSAD: I don't get it. OK. First of all, are there any calories?

SAGAL: Apparently not. You're snorting it.

LUKE BURBANK: OK, now it's starting to make sense.

FARSAD: OK. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: Do you get to taste it?

SAGAL: I have no idea. I have not myself tried it.

BURBANK: About 10 minutes later, it starts dripping down the back of your throat. And if you get that joke, you were not in the DARE program.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: In the autonomous cars that we see both our hands and our eyes will be free. Slow traffic will be fun. I'll catch up on reruns. While driving, I'm watching...

DEEDS: TV.

KURTIS: TV.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Now you're probably saying, how am I supposed to watch TV when I'm driving when I'm busy texting?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But luxury automaker Audi is making it easy for you. They have outfitted their new autonomous cars with a TV called Traffic Jam Pilot, upgrade of the first version, Pearl Jam Pilot.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this thing, this system takes control of the vehicle so drivers can, quote, "focus on a different activity, such as watching the onboard TV." And for those who cannot afford the $80,000 Audi with automated driving and the onboard TV, just put your car in reverse, point at the little screen in the dash and say, hey, everybody, that show about backing up is on.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We have one more limerick for you. Here it is.

KURTIS: The wheat doctrine they are disputing. But the Eucharist we're not polluting. Though race may be safer, it's not for our wafer. The body of Christ must have...

DEEDS: Gluten.

SAGAL: Gluten. That's right.

KURTIS: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week Pope Francis, the cool pope, took a break from skateboarding in gay pride parades...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...To ban gluten-free communion wafers. Apparently, even God is like celiac, schmeliac (ph). Come on.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This caused a stir in the gluten-free community, which took action the only way they knew how by asking to speak to the Catholic Church's manager.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I don't understand this. I have had gluten-free Body of Christ.

SAGAL: Have you?

SALIE: I have. And also, when I went to college, there was, like, a fresh-baked bread that was truly delicious. I mean, I imagine you have never tried a communion wafer.

SAGAL: I have not, myself.

SALIE: Right. Anybody here?

BURBANK: I have, yeah.

SALIE: You have. And...

FARSAD: Muslim.

SALIE: They're completely...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: They're completely tasteless.

SAGAL: I'm sorry. So, Negin, that would be a no?

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Muslim. They're completely tasteless. And I differ with the pope here. I don't get this.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: If the miracle is that you're taking this whatever it is and making it Jesus, what does it matter if it's gluten or not?

SAGAL: Yeah.

FARSAD: It should be - it should be snortable chocolate.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SALIE: That we could all believe in.

SAGAL: More of a religious experience. Bill, how did Shayna do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Guided by the hand of God, she got them all right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Shayna. Thank you so much for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

DEEDS: Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF LOU BUSCH AND HIS ORCHESTRA'S "COOL")

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