Ruth's Personal Essay for AAJA 2003

HOST INTRO

Adult children in many Asian-Pacific Islander cultures believe they have a duty to care for their elderly parents. When the Filipino-Hawaiian parents of The Beat’s Ruth Eggett came to live with her, she discovered the joys and trials of meeting that obligation. In her audio diary, she tells us what it’s like to feel torn between filial obligations to them and her duty to her own family.

ambi: sizzling food

At my house, it’s typical to find Mom busy cooking dinner in our tiny kitchen while Dad works in the front yard.

CROSSFADE: (0:12):

Ruth: So, what are you making, Mom?

Mom: This is Korean BBQ beef, that’s all…very simple.

Ruth: You made that for us when we were kids.

Mom: I guess so…yeah, this recipe is from Aunty Ann many moons ago. (0:36)

Mom and Dad had been living with Aunty Edna for three years in San Francisco until she died last November.

When Aunty died, they didn’t have many choices about where to go. So Mom and Dad asked if they could move in with me and my family in San Diego. I live with my husband and our 12-year-old son, Christopher, in a modest 50’s rambler. I’m a graduate student studying Conflict Management at Cal State Dominguez Hills.

Initially, I was excited for my parents to live with us. I always enjoyed hearing my dad play the ukulele. I wanted to eat Mom’s bibingka and pork adobo. I hoped my parents would teach Christopher Hawaiian songs and share their history.

(2:34): RUTH: I felt it was important because, especially, for my son, to know his grandparents. I didn’t know my grandparents (2:46).

Mom and Dad live in what used to be our computer room. That used to be where I studied. But these days, I can’t find any quiet.

FADE IN: Tape A/Tk 18/Ambi: Fox News Channel

Now, normally I don’t mind Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. But it seems like they’re on constantly. I can’t get away from them. Sometimes, I’ve asked Dad to turn the TV off so I can study and listen to my online lectures. Instead, he ‘mutes’ it and sits quietly. There’s an unseen tension that we all feel in the living room. I miss having my quiet place where I could block out distractions and just focus.

(4:08): RUTH: “…I can’t work and I can’t study…I feel guilty…I feel somewhat selfish. (4:18)

My husband, Eric, doesn’t really experience ‘cabin fever’ like my son and I do. He works in the evenings so he misses out on most of the commotion.

For months, I tried to get Mom and Dad to talk about their living with us.

(3:44): RUTH: “…They avoid my issues. They won’t talk to me about certain things when I’m asking for feedback sometimes. And then the next day, my dad is working in the yard and my mom is cooking up a storm. (3:58)

Eventually, we talked about some alternatives. Mom and Dad tried to buy a mobile home in a senior park a mile from our house, but they couldn’t get reasonable financing. We even considered converting our garage into a ‘granny flat’, but that wasn’t feasible either.

Recently, the conflict came to a head. Mom and Dad agreed to talk about it for this personal essay. A calm discussion with Mom became a hot and ugly confrontation with Dad. He said I was ungrateful and a whiner.

(2:42): Mom: Well, Ruth, this is your home. That’s ok…what’s the matter?

(Ruth crying)

Mom: Bunches, come here.

Ruth: It’s okay, you don’t have to…Dad.

Dad: Ruth, you gotta face up.

Ruth: You’re telling me to be tough. (Yelling) I’m being damn tough.

Dad: (Yelling) I don’t think so!

Mom: Stop it, you two. (CROSS FADE OUT)

We needed to cool off. My son and I took a drive to clear my head. Christopher told me that he could hear Dad yelling from across the street.

(0:34) CHRIS: I wish that conflict would turn around…and just dissolve into love because…I see how you are…and I don’t know why…but it…seeing you have conflict…makes me have conflict and I don’t know why…but it makes me feel upset and sad.

By the time we got home, everybody was calm and level-headed. Dad thought we should talk. So we all crammed around my little kitchen table to share our feelings…without a tape recorder. Dad offered a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to bless us with a calm spirit, that we could resolve the issues at hand, and that everything would be all right.

(3:49): After the prayer, Dad wanted to clear the air…and he apologized for…yelling at me…and…and for saying the things that he said. … And he said that I was a good wife and mother…and…he asked for my forgiveness…and I said, “Apology accepted.” (4:59)

Dad said that he and Mom still want to live with us…that perhaps we can convert the patio into a computer room for me so I could have my space and things would be fine. I told him that wasn’t going to work.

(1:26): And I said it and I felt right about it. And my dad said he understood and my mom did too.

We’re not sure what’s going to happen. They might move in with an aunt in Ohio. But I really do want them to stay close by. So we’re trying to work it out. And I think we will. In my Filipino-Hawaiian family, we’ll find a way to stick together.

(2:55): I guess that’s what I’ve wanted all along was just to communicate and feel some kind of connection. So, I guess the story doesn’t end there.

For The Beat, I’m Ruth Eggett.