Intern Edition

I’ve lost my keys. / Where are they?
-Marshall Flinkman, Alias Season 3

Last weekend, I lost my keys.

Description: Three keys on a keychain of Squidward’s house from Spongebob Squarepants, plus a gym pass. (Accompanied by a roll of $1,000 bills acquired through completely legal means, I assure you.)

One week later, neither the keys or the big wad of drug money have been recovered. But I figured I should document the process I went about in looking for them, so in case you lose an item in D.C., you’ll have some ideas of what to do. Sure these things didn’t work for me, but maybe you’ll have better luck.

1. The Metro Lost ‘n’ Found

Interesting fact: You cannot submit a claim for lost keys; you must show up to the Lost and Found in person to dig through the keys and identify them. According to the Metro Web site, the lost and found is “conveniently located near the Silver Spring Metro station at 8405 Colesville Road, Suite 505, Silver Spring, MD 20910.” I have news for the Metro people: Nothing is “conveniently located” in Silver Spring.

And the Lost and Found is only open from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. So if you don’t work a regular job, or you have a two hour lunch break, then yeah, feel free to come on down! Not that I’m bitter.

The Metro lost and found can be contacted via phone at (202) 962-1195. Or you can submit a request online here.

2. Smithsonian Lost ‘n’ Found

I went to see the butterflies at the Smithsonian the day I lost my keys. (Maybe the butterflies stole them. My irrational hatred of butterflies continues to grow deeper and stronger.) The Smithsonian’s Lost and Found Web site is here.

3. Craigslist

I made an entry on the Craigslist lost and found board:

lost: KEYS /w/ Squidward Easter Island head keychain

Reply to: comm-608548469@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-16, 9:36PM EDT

Looking for a set of keys with a blue Easter Island statue keychain (it’s Squidward’s house from Spongebob Squarepants. Yeah, I’m mature) and a pass to Washington Sports Club gym. Last time I remember having them was at the Smithsonian Natural History museum.

If you found them, please let me know and you will be handsomely rewarded. Thank you!

* Location: Smithsonian –> Adams Morgan
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 608548469

Note: It’s important to word your Craigslist post very carefully. Notice how I said “you will be handsomely rewarded.” That was to evoke Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple:

“If you can reach the artifact, all the doors in the temple will instantly unlock, and the temple guards will vanish. Return through the gates with the artifact within three minutes, and you will both be handsomely rewarded. And here’s how!” [Followed by announcer describing some awesome vacation to Space Camp.]

So basically, the idea is to trick the reader into thinking they’ll get to go to Space Camp if they find my keys.

4. Pray to whatever religious figure you feel comfortable praying to.

I will admit that I am not a particularly religious man. But just as there are no atheists in a foxhole, there are no atheists in a pocket hole where your keys should be; and this incident has forced me to research religious options:

SUGGESTIONS FOR RELIGIOUS HELP

1. SAINT ANTHONY

Pros: Snappy rhyme “Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony, please come around. Something is lost and cannot be found.”

Cons: Does not rhyme in the original Latin.

2. ACHARYA DAWA CHHODAK RINPOCHE

Pros: Known for his “mirror divinations,” which are apparently useful in helping to find lost items.

Cons: “Lama Dawa Rinpoche is on a teaching tour until March. Any divination requests submitted during this time may take several weeks to complete. We will not be able to do time sensitive or last minute divinations until the tour is finished. You are welcome to submit divination requests, but please understand there will be a delay.”

3. JEDI COUNCIL

Pros: Uses “the force” to not only locate lost objects, but levitate them all the way back to you. Plus, sweet light sabers.

Cons: From “Star Wars.”

Image from http://www.wonderfullywacky.com/spongebobkeychains.htm?AID=10273718&PID=1255199

Tags: all things considered, DC, transportation, travis larchuk

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under nonfiction, spring 08. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.