Oh, Jared and Justin Serovich. You're getting a pretty good amount of minor fame for this invention of yours. You came up with a way to foil the wedgie, that go-to-hazing ritual of elementary school bullies everywhere.
And it's great: break-away underwear. When a bigger kid tries to yank out your shorts, they unfasten at the sides and slide right out of your pants. Ingenious! Everyone loves the idea! Ellen had you on her show, the AP picked up the story, and I just saw you in matching blue shirts and yellow ties on MSNBC.
Enjoy it while it lasts, boys. Because I'll tell you the hard truth about what's going to happen.
It probably won't be the wedgie-er who figures it out — he'll probably be kind of stunned to be holding your underpants — and bullies don't tend to be the sharpest tools in the box. But you'll get comfortable in your break-aways, proud even, and someone will spot the gaping hole in your defenses. Then they'll pounce. Because you may not know it yet, but there's a nefarious trick waiting for you in middle school that makes the wedgie look as gentle as a kiss from a unicorn. You're gonna get pantsed. After you get wedgied. And you're gonna wish that thin layer of protection between you and the rest of the playground hadn't broken away.
Some kinds of pain leave you curled up in a ball in the boys room. Some kinds of pain leave emotional scars that last... at least 16 years and four months. Trust me. There was a reason I stopped wearing sweatpants in 6th grade.