8-Year-Old Ohio Twins Have No Idea What Terror Awaits

Oh, Jared and Justin Serovich. You're getting a pretty good amount of minor fame for this invention of yours. You came up with a way to foil the wedgie, that go-to-hazing ritual of elementary school bullies everywhere.

And it's great: break-away underwear. When a bigger kid tries to yank out your shorts, they unfasten at the sides and slide right out of your pants. Ingenious! Everyone loves the idea! Ellen had you on her show, the AP picked up the story, and I just saw you in matching blue shirts and yellow ties on MSNBC.

Enjoy it while it lasts, boys. Because I'll tell you the hard truth about what's going to happen.

It probably won't be the wedgie-er who figures it out — he'll probably be kind of stunned to be holding your underpants — and bullies don't tend to be the sharpest tools in the box. But you'll get comfortable in your break-aways, proud even, and someone will spot the gaping hole in your defenses. Then they'll pounce. Because you may not know it yet, but there's a nefarious trick waiting for you in middle school that makes the wedgie look as gentle as a kiss from a unicorn. You're gonna get pantsed. After you get wedgied. And you're gonna wish that thin layer of protection between you and the rest of the playground hadn't broken away.

Some kinds of pain leave you curled up in a ball in the boys room. Some kinds of pain leave emotional scars that last... at least 16 years and four months. Trust me. There was a reason I stopped wearing sweatpants in 6th grade.

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Thank you Jacob, for giving these precocious twins the benefit of your experience (and mine).

My de-pantsing moment occurred in eighth grade, and it happened in front of the entire girl's gym class. To this day, I cannot hear the word gym and not turn red. When will this torture cease?

I feel doubly for the Serovich twins, for in their public presence (with white shirts, ties, and pants up to their waist), they are dressing for failure. Some would even say they are inviting humiliation by their dress.

Let's hope their dear mother regains a fashion sense before calamity strikes.

Sent by Carlos Randall | 10:57 PM | 11-7-2007