[Object] Imperils Earth, [Movie Star] Saves Humanity
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Why didn't the Pentagon just call Bruce Willis?
Getty ImagesLate last night the US Navy says it successfully shot down a defunct spy satellite that was plummeting towards Earth. Even if we'd missed, experts say there's very little chance anything bad would have happened. These things actually fall to Earth fairly often. The Bush administration said they'd rather be safe than sorry, but it looks like they may have had another motive--target practice.
Of course, the idea of humans having to stop objects hurtling towards Earth from destroying us isn't new. If the Pentagon wanted some help with their strategy, they could probably have just gone to Netflix. In fact, there are so many movie variations on this plot, we decided to put together a list...
Now watch out--spoiler alert--we've got some plot lines up in here...
The first movie that comes to mind is the blockbuster action flick Armageddon. You know you saw it. There's an asteroid headed towards earth. Bruce Willis leads a team into space to land on the asteroid, drill a hole into it, drop a nuclear bomb into the hole, and then fly away before the asteroid blows up. Well as you'd expect it doesn't quite go as planned. A couple of them die along the way, then Steve Buscemi goes crazy, and Bruce Willis sacrifices himself for the good of mankind, allowing Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler to live happily ever after.
So that's one option for the Pentagon to consider. But there are others.
Just two months before Armaggedon there was Deep Impact, which was inspired by a 1951 movie called When Worlds Collide, which was based on a 1932 sci-fi novel. I told you this story has been around for a while.
Deep Impact used to be known as one of the most unrealistic sci-fi movies ever, because it depicts an African American president--Morgan Freeman. Now in 2008, we've got satellites plummeting towards earth and Barack Obama is a strong contender for the Democratic presidential nod. I wonder what other events were foretold by Deep Impact.
Anyway, in this film it's a comet instead of an asteroid, but the strategy is basically the same as Armaggedon--Bury a nuke inside the thing to blow it up. But it doesn't work, the comet splits in two, and a smaller chunk hits earth and kills several billion people, including Tea Leoni. Then the crew of the shuttle, led by Robert Duvall, sacrifice themselves and fly into the larger chunk. It works. They die. Humanity survives.
In the 2000 film Space Cowboys, the object in question was an obsolete Russian satellite. Since Obama is doing so well this one has taken over the title of Most Unrealistic Movie in the whole genre, because the US agrees to send a team into space that's made up of Clint Eastwood, James Garner, Tommy Lee Jones and Donald Sutherland, who had an average age of 65 at the time of the film's release. A clip of the trailer might explain why you don't remember this one.
Long story short--In the end it's Tommy Lee Jones who sacrifices himself. Humanity is saved once again.
Of course, sometimes the enemy is within. Such is the case in the classic comedy Spies Like Us, when the US sends spies to the Soviet Union to launch a missile at the US, so a crazy general can test America's missile defenses. When the test fails to intercept the Soviet missile, Dan Aykroyd re-routes the thing and saves the world. Of course, the whole plot is just a vehicle for Aykroyd and co-star Chevy Chase to be hilarious. Here's one of many classic scenes:
(More priceless Spies Like Us moments here and here.)
So clearly, there are many options for the Pentagon as it tries to figure out how to shoot down the next satellite headed for earth. They just need to get to Blockbuster.
3:24 PM ET | 02-21-2008 | permalink
