Humor

Blago: A Study in Character

Observers of Chicago's great theater scene have noted how much Rod Blagojevich sounds like a character in a play by that often imitated Chicago bard David Mamet. I wrote this during lunch hour in Chicago as the news was breaking, because it was too cold to eat outside. And we all remember someone like Rod from our childhood.

Surrounded by baseball cards, 10-year old Rod Blagojevich is sitting in his parents basement with a girl from the neighborhood, Patricia. He's on the phone.

ROD: I'll tell ya, you're {expletive} crazy if you think I'm gonna trade a '67 Ernie Banks for a bunch of {expletive} from the Big Red Machine. That's not how {expletive} gets done on this block. {expletive}. You tell {neighborhood kid #5} that.

PATRICIA: You {expletive} tell him baby.

ROD: {expletive} him. For nothing? My mom's probably {expletive} listening. You hear me ma? Top of the world!!!

PATRICIA: {expletive} focus. Hi Mrs. Blagojevich, can I stay for dinner?

ROD: Ask me, don't {expletive} ask her. Point is an Ernie Banks is a {expletive} valuable thing, you hear me? You don't just give it away for nothing. I want something big. A Ron Santo and a Ferguson Jenkins.

PATRICIA: What about me Rod? {expletive}.

ROD: I'm getting to you. Patty wants something nice. {expletive} tell him Patty.

PATRICIA: {expletive} Easy Bake Oven. Or {expletive} cash.

ROD: Or I'll just hang on to it. I can parachute me there like my Army men figures. Or take my bike.

PATRICIA: If the Tribune paid their paper boys better, we wouldn't be so {expletive}.

ROD: I'll make a call. Unless they want their {expletive} Sunday editions thrown onto the roofs, they'll play ball.

PATRICIA: Hang up. He should be here any minute.

ROD: Gotta go Johnny boy. That {expletive} Rezko kid wants to do business. I'll see ya in choir tomorrow.

UPDATE: I'm back in LA now, and working on an Arthur Schnitzler parody - Der Schwarzenegger.