Gifts (Not) To Buy For The Classical Fans In Your Life

A cute bear with a colorful past and depressing future. i i

hide captionA cute bear with a colorful past and depressing future.

Met Opera Shop
A cute bear with a colorful past and depressing future.

A cute bear with a colorful past and depressing future.

Met Opera Shop

It's Cyber Monday again, and we here at Deceptive Cadence thought it was time to provide a public service to our readership: a survey of the very worst presents we've found online with classical music lovers as the presumed recipients. We're shopping at the intersection of good intention and bad taste.

In creating these picks, we've eschewed the expected — notation-printed socks and ties, T-shirts and baseball caps with terrible puns, G-clef jewelry. (We've left our actual recommendations for outstanding gifts for another day.) Instead, we've sought out more arcane forms of tackiness — and the sillier, the better. Happy shopping!

(Got any more suggestions for us? Leave them in the comments section!)

Oh, You Shouldn't Have — Really

  • Violin Lavatory Seat

    The violin loo seat.
    Musicroomdirect.com

    From the seller's own description, which we can't possibly top: "Add a touch of lyricism to your loo with our fabulous Violin Lavatory Seat. This is not only great fun to look at, it is so wide and comfortable to sit on that getting people to vacate the bathroom may be difficult!"

  • Das "Ring" Desk Set

    The Ring machine writ small.

    hide captionThe Ring machine writ small.

    Metropolitan Opera

    Is it a pen holder? A toy? Who knows? But if your Uncle Dave, the busy executive (whom you really don't like) hated "the machine" that the Met built at huge expense for its latest iteration of Wagner's Ring cycle, give him a lasting memento, writ small. We wonder: do its tiny gears grind just as loudly as the original's? And if you perched a doll on it for a pretend Siegfried, would the doll slide right off?

  • The Violetta Bear

    The ursine Violetta.

    hide captionThe ursine Violetta.

    Metropolitan Opera

    Ah, teddy bears. They evoke such sweet innocence and cuddly wholesomeness. So give your littlest treasure a teddy that plays and jerks around to Violetta's aria "Sempre Libera" from La Traviata. Because what better snuggle friend could there be for a small child than a dying prosti — oh, wait. Never mind.

  • André Rieu Coffee Service

    The Andre Rieu china service.
    Andrerieu.com

    Perhaps we're just not the right audience for this, but why would anyone want this two-person china set embossed with wee violins and the signature of the Dutch "waltz king"? Do pairs of people sit around nibbling petit fours, sipping Constant Comment and listening to Rieu play "My Heart Will Go On"?

  • The Wagner Nutcracker

    Wagner nutcracker.
    OktoberfestHaus.com

    Isn't an icily glaring Richard W., just waiting for the opportunity to crack a good walnut or two, just what every child dreams of? It's the stuff of unbelievably long and loud ballets.

  • The 'Tosca' Charm Bracelet

    The 'Tosca' bracelet.

    hide captionThe 'Tosca' bracelet.

    Operabracelets.com

    Jealousy, politics, torture, betrayal, murder and suicide: carry these themes close at all times with this Tosca-inspired charm bracelet. It comes complete with candlesticks, crucifix and a wee knife for Scarpia's stabbing.

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