Billboard magazine has offered us all reason to despair: It has calculated the All-Time Hot 100, which is the magazine's attempt to explain what songs are the absolute hottest, the most hot, the tip-top hot songs of all time. (Well, "all time" since the Hot 100 started in 1958, which you'll notice mostly because a good chunk of the career of Elvis Presley is missing.)

This just in: I need to lie down, and so will you after you read this list.

No. 1 is "The Twist." Which...okay. It's "The Twist." I'm not offended. I don't know about putting it atop any all-time lists of hot songs, but if I were to get too wound up about it, it would sap some of the energy I will need to be outraged over the second-hottest song of all time, which is "Smooth."

Yes, "Smooth," that deathless collaboration between Santana and Mr. Matchbox Twenty himself, Rob Thomas.

Also among the Top 10: "How Do I Live," by LeAnn Rimes; Olivia Newton-John's "Physical," Debby Boone's "You Light Up My Life," and — yes, really — "Macarena."

More bad news, after the jump ...

 

The 37th hottest song of all time is "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree" by Tony Orlando and Dawn. No. 60 — the 60th hottest song of the last 50 years, Billboard tells us — is "Rush Rush," by Paula Abdul, which nobody would even remember except that Keanu Reeves was in the video.

(Wait, do other people remember that Keanu Reeves was in the video? That's not just me, I hope.) (For one thing, I hope I didn't dream that video.) (Because it would mean I was dreaming about Keanu Reeves and Paula Abdul making a video.)

I'm certainly relieved that Marvin Gaye's "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" finished at No. 65, only four spots below "That's What Friends Are For." Way to go, hotness!

Billboard has put together a bunch of other charts as well, including the all-time top artists, which is less disturbing than the all-time singles list. The fact that only 14 artists have charted better than Hall & Oates makes me a little uncomfortable, but at least The Beatles are in first place.

Other fun facts:

• All the top country songs finishing at 14th or below would have been bumped up a notch were it not for "The Streak," by Ray Stevens. Which, if you recall, is actually about streaking. The country genre is so proud.

• "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" is the fourth hottest rock song of all time, which is news primarily for the allegation that "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" is a rock song.

• "Candle In The Wind 1997" was No. 1 for 14 weeks. I call them "The weeks in 1997 when I didn't turn on the radio."

Hat-tip to