On How The New '90210'
Has Sapped My Will To Live

Like dementors, only better dressed: The only defense against the new 90210 is happy thoughts. And maybe chocolate.
The CW

 

You may have heard that an update to Ye Olde High School Drama Beverly Hills 90210 premiered last night on the CW. But you probably hadn't heard much in the way of critical preview -- because the network chose not to send out any advance screeners of the premiere.

Not to generalize or be cynical, but most critics will tell you that when networks hold back preview copies of shows or movies, it's not because they're trying to keep a cork in their greatness so they can release it upon the universe all at once.

No, they hold them back to avoid pronouncements like this, which I mean with all my heart:

The two-hour (!) premiere of 90210 sapped my will to live.

Let me tell you why.

1. It made the original Beverly Hills, 90210 look good. It's like attending Weekend At Bernie's 2 Part 2 and thinking, "You know, Weekend At Bernie's 2 wasn't that bad." It makes you feel vaguely dirty.

Nine more reasons, after the jump ...

2. The clunky exposition reminded me of school. The last thing I want from the CW is rote learning. And when a character comments thusly about a new neighborhood, "People get married in Beverly Hills; there will still be weddings for me to shoot," I feel driven to dutifully say, in reply: "So, she is a wedding photographer. That is her occupation!" It's like repeating "Elena tiene dos hermanos" back to Señora DeVito.

3. Tristan Wilds used to be on The Wire, and now he is on this. Seriously, Tristan Wilds played Michael on The Wire. Michael, the heartbreaking child of Baltimore. Michael, trying to escape. And now Tristan Wilds is playing the adopted child of Aunt Becky from Full House and the guy from Silk Stalkings.

4. Jessica Walter used to be on Arrested Development. See above.

5. Inconsistent grudge-keeping is the hobgoblin of tiny trash TV. If you're going to make a soapy, dumb, diverting drama about infighting, the nonsense must follow an internal logic. People can hate each other for unspeakably petty reasons, but the same people must hate each other consistently, so that you can take sides. I watched the two-hour 90210 premiere with a trusted friend, and several times, we said to each other, "So they made up now? I thought they were fighting. Why are they friends? Did she forgive her for the other thing?" Grudges are meant to be held for years, not discarded over a Diet Coke.

6. Wardrobe. Beautiful people have to be beautiful. In the first episode, the glamorous Naomi, supposedly a child of privilege and the glamorous queen everyone admired, wore a blazer with white trim that looked almost exactly like the uniform that Julie the Cruise Director wore on The Love Boat. That's not getting it done.

7. Know when to say when. The central family of the show, in its first two weeks or so in a new town, survived the following experiences:

* daughter allows new friend to cheat by stealing term paper

*son kicked off lacrosse team for fighting and then exonerated

*son AGAIN almost kicked off lacrosse team for prank involving pigs borrowed from friend's adult-filmmaker dad

*father discovers previously unknown child long ago given up for adoption

*daughter weasels into school musical through unlikely impromptu audition

*daughter flies to San Francisco with teenage Lothario without permission

*son outs cheating nemesis to nemesis's girlfriend via text message

*daughter befriends both most popular girl at school and weirdest girl at school

*daughter breaks cheating nemesis's heart by being spotted with jet-setting teenage Lothario

Somewhere around San Francisco, my suspended disbelief crashed to Earth, and I barely avoided an ugly blow to the side of my head.

8. Shannen Doherty. I am not special; history demonstrates that Shannen Doherty saps everyone's will to live.

9. There has already been singing. Yes, singing. In...the high-school musical. Just like you were watching...well, you know.

10. Two hours. Two hours long. I am a pop-culture writer; this is what I do. It's usually a pretty good job. But now and then, I get up, rub my eyes, and think about all I could have done with the time I have just lost. Think of all the glossy magazines I could have been reading. Last night, in my house, twice the will to live was sapped that could have been sapped, by a more efficient series premiere, in a single hour.