The cast of the new '90210'
The CW

Like dementors, only better dressed: The only defense against the new 90210 is happy thoughts. And maybe chocolate.

You may have heard that an update to Ye Olde High School Drama Beverly Hills 90210 premiered last night on the CW. But you probably hadn't heard much in the way of critical preview — because the network chose not to send out any advance screeners of the premiere.

Not to generalize or be cynical, but most critics will tell you that when networks hold back preview copies of shows or movies, it's not because they're trying to keep a cork in their greatness so they can release it upon the universe all at once.

No, they hold them back to avoid pronouncements like this, which I mean with all my heart:

The two-hour (!) premiere of 90210 sapped my will to live.

Let me tell you why.

1. It made the original Beverly Hills, 90210 look good. It's like attending Weekend At Bernie's 2 Part 2 and thinking, "You know, Weekend At Bernie's 2 wasn't that bad." It makes you feel vaguely dirty.

Nine more reasons, after the jump ...

 

2. The clunky exposition reminded me of school. The last thing I want from the CW is rote learning. And when a character comments thusly about a new neighborhood, "People get married in Beverly Hills; there will still be weddings for me to shoot," I feel driven to dutifully say, in reply: "So, she is a wedding photographer. That is her occupation!" It's like repeating "Elena tiene dos hermanos" back to Señora DeVito.