Farewell Lines: The Good, The Bad, And The 'See Ya Later, Decorator'

Top Chef judges: "What do you think? You think we should change it to 'grab a pillow and go'?" Bravo

 

by Linda Holmes

While thoroughly embarrassing myself by watching the first episode of Lifetime's new series Blush: The Search For The Next Great Makeup Artist (the second episode airs tonight; the first is available online), I found myself pondering the line uttered by host Vanessa Marcil when she eliminates contestants: "I'm sorry; that was your last look."

It's not much of a kiss-off line, honestly.

The perfect kiss-off is an absolutely integral part of a good -- or at least enjoyable -- competitive reality show. It tends to signal the show's entire personality, if it has one, or its stupidity, if it doesn't. Don't believe me? Let's review a few:

"You're fired." (The Apprentice) The most famous kiss-off in reality-show history was also one of the simplest, and it became part of the show's iconography. Had Donald Trump told his aspiring corporate weasels "Adios, amigo," there probably would have been no second season. "You're fired" not only had simplicity going for it, but it embraced the show's fundamentally silly idea that this was a job interview rather than a series of bizarre attempts to impress a temperamental weirdo.

Heidi Klum, poor Jonathan Adler, and the evil of the pun, after the jump...

"Auf Wiedersehen." (Project Runway) Proving that a great kiss-off is nothing without a couple of kisses, Heidi Klum's farewell to frustrated designers is simple, classy, and fundamentally polite -- just like the show.

"Please pack your knives and go." (Top Chef) What makes this a great line is the recommendation that a disappointed and potentially embittered person go and grab some knives. Particularly when contestants are really peeved at their dismissals, there's something about "We don't like you; there's nothing left for you here but your extremely dangerous instruments" that just sounds wonderful.

"See ya later, decorator." (Top Design) In fairness to Top Design, they stopped using this line after the disastrous first season. But watching poor Jonathan Adler -- an actual designer who presumably values his dignity -- utter these nonsense words was truly painful ... much like the disastrous first season. When the show (surprisingly) returned for a retooled second round, they changed the kiss-off to "We cannot live with your design." An attempted bow to the idea of design as a lifestyle imperative, it had the effect of essentially arguing that the dismissed contestant's performance was not only bad, but possibly life-threatening.

"That was your final cut." (Shear Genius) Get it? This was Bravo's haircut show. Get it? "Cut"? Get it? IT'S A PUN. ABOUT HAIRCUTS.

"Thanks." (America's Next Top Model) It might seem at first like Tyra Banks doesn't have a kiss-off on Top Model, because she doesn't eliminate one person so much as grant indulgences one at a time to everyone else, until only the unfortunate bootee remains. But in many cases, all you get from Tyra after weeks of work is that she looks at you, says "Thanks" through a tight smile, and waits for you to go pack your suitcase. In many ways, it is the unkindest cut of all, because it's really only a step above "Um, why are you still standing there?"

"You just didn't measure up." (Project Runway Canada) If you've never seen the Canadian Project Runway, hosted by the very glamorous Iman, you are really missing out. It's essentially just like regular Runway, but with more substance and more genuine disagreeing among the judges. (And the terrific mentor, Brian Bailey, will make you miss Tim Gunn much less than you'd think.)

At the end of every episode, Iman fixes her regal gaze on whatever poor sap is walking the plank that week and says, "You just didn't measure up." For most of these people, it's literally the experience of having the most beautiful woman you've ever met declare your inadequacy, and if you're going to make a show about the ruthless world of fashion and beauty, you might as well go all-out. My guess is that Iman has led many a poor designer directly into therapy.