You've Got Obama Facts; We've Got Space For Them

The President-Elect: Can't get enough facts about him, even if you have to write them yourself? We're here to help. Joe Raedle/Getty Images

 

by Glenn McDonald

The UK Telegraph recently ran an intriguing piece called "Barack Obama: The 50 facts you might not know." As you may be aware, a certain percentage of Europeans -- the technical term is Pretty Much Everybody, I think -- was overjoyed at the notion of an Obama presidency. So the list runs down some rather endearing facts about our next president.

For instance, he collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics. His favorite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees. And he took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date. (All true.) (According to the Telegraph, anyway.)

Here at NPR HQ, we decided to apply our vast editorial (and, um, creative) resources to the task, and have come up with a bonus 25 More Facts You Might Not Know About Barack Obama.

- He can not only turn water into wine; he turns it into 1787 Chateau Lafite.

- A renowned spot shooter at Chicago pick-up basketball games, his specialty is a 3-pointer made by bouncing the ball off Mayor Richard M. Daley's forehead.

- His tears can regenerate severed limbs.

- Whenever a Republican strategist cries, Obama gets $10 richer, somehow.

A lot more facts we totally do not stand behind, after the jump...

- Can regulate his own metabolism through force of will; only exhaled three times total during the Democratic primaries.

- The White House press corps will be issued welder's goggles and UVP 150 sunscreen for when he smiles at press conferences.

- Starting in February 2009, the sun will set in the East every Tuesday, as per his executive order.

- He doesn't make his own bed, but only because he hovers serenely three feet above the covers.

- Played bass guitar on the original Barney Miller theme song.

- Is the prophesied One who shall liberate us from the consensual mass hallucination that is ... The Matrix!

- Dolce & Gabbana is bottling his forehead sweat as their new fall fragrance.

- Snacks on broken glass, rusty nails, and Republican pollsters.

- Can staple even the thickest of documents using only his freakishly long, powerful fingers.

- Was known in Illinois as "The Legislatornator."

- Every baby he kissed on the campaign trail now sleeps through the night, is potty-trained and, incredibly, advocates progressive social policies.

- As a party trick, often lifts entire X-Wing fighters out of swamps using the power of the Force.

- According to a Harvard medical study of his tissue samples, he actually is as cool as a cucumber, down to a tenth of a degree Celsius, at all times.

- Plans to sign off on all Congressional legislation with wax and signet ring.

- All his D&D characters start out with 18 Charisma automatically.

- Once beat the Dalia Lama at poker and made him cry.

- Can walk on water; chooses not to.

- Cannot carry credit cards or personal electronic devices due to his intense personal magnetism.

- Is actually a time traveler from a future alternate Earth in which everyone is attractive, charismatic and unflappable.

- Once beat up Chuck Norris.

- Is such a potent speaker that, during his acceptance speech, he made all the women in the first three rows pregnant.

Are you aware of other Obama Facts? Please feel free to share them in the Comments section below.

9:48 AM ET | 11-17-2008 | permalink

comments | | e-mail