How Does The 'Hoedown Throwdown' Compare To Other Preposterous Group Dances?

by Linda Holmes

Above is the video in which the ubiquitous Miley Cyrus and friends "teach you" how to do her new dance, the Hoedown Throwdown, which forms the centerpiece of her new movie, Hannah Montana: The Movie.

Normally, you could not get my attention with a Miley Cyrus instructional dance video even if there were fireworks and margaritas included, but I have to say, this one caught my interest. Why? Because it is absurdly complicated. This dance you are supposed to pick up from YouTube consists of a series of nineteen distinct moves, performed in sequence, and at no time during the "lesson" do they remind you of the sequence. I'm sorry, Miley Cyrus, but you will not start a "dance craze" trying to get people to learn a series of nineteen moves.

Here's the thing: When it comes to dancing, as a culture forced to occasionally operate in groups, we are stupid. Individually, we may be brilliant, but what do we do at weddings?

What we do at weddings, after the jump...

We do the Electric Slide! Which contains only about four things you have to do in various orders and facing in various directions, and a significant number of them are "walk." You can do the Electric Slide to many, many songs, while you have to do the Hoedown Throwdown to the song that constantly reminds you which of the nineteen steps you are supposed to do next. You can even Electric Slide to "I Will Survive"! Even if you are Keanu Reeves! (Caution: some swearing.)

You know what else we have been known to do?

That's right -- the Macarena. In which the most strenuous and complicated thing you will be expected to do is jump up in the air and rotate 90 degrees at the same time. It is almost unspeakably stupid, and for a brief time, we loved it.

You know what was an actual dance craze? The Twist. You know who could do the Twist? Everybody. It was a dance suitable for the uncoordinated, which is most of us. It was a dance suitable for the easily embarrassed, which is most of us.

Let's face it: The dance crazes that find the most success are variations on the Hokey Pokey. Millions of years of evolution and creativity have brought us to the point where we understand that the Platonic ideal for group dances involves doing something with your right foot, and then your left foot, and then there is some shaking of it -- all about -- and then you actually run out of dance steps and have nothing to do during the line, "That's what it's all about." It is a moment for quiet contemplation. Because heaven forbid we have to learn another thing to do after we turn ourselves around.

So I am sorry, Miley Cyrus, but I do not think you are going to start a "dance craze." For your next attempt, I recommend less "Hawk In The Sky" and more of this.