The 'Designing Women' Game: Write Your Own Julia Rant

In honor of today's release of the first season of Designing Women on DVD, it's time to write your own Julia Sugarbaker rant (like the one seen above).

As you know if you ever watched this show, its signature moment was sending Julia (Dixie Carter) on some incredibly indignant rant, at the end of which there would be thunderous applause. Now, in the spirit of Mad Libs, you can write your very own.

The game is simple. Grab something to write with (or, you know, open a blank document) and write a list of the following twenty things, which you will later plug into your rant. After the jump, we'll show you where they go. And if you think your rant is particularly good, don't forget to post your favorite parts in the comments.

(Unfortunately, it's about a paragraph too long to fit the whole thing in a comment — it wouldn't be a Julia rant if it weren't, so snip judiciously.)

The items:

AN APPETIZER
A FAMOUS CRIMINAL
AN INEXPENSIVE RETAILER
A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY
A METAL
A BREAKFAST CEREAL
AN ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEM
A POPULAR GADGET
A JUNK FOOD
A REALITY SHOW
A KIND OF CANDY
A SPORTING EVENT
A HISTORICAL FIGURE NAMED "JOHN"
A CELEBRITY NAMED "JOHN"
AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
A HOME ELECTRONICS COMPONENT
A CHAIN RESTAURANT
A CITY IN THE SOUTHERN U.S.
A POPULAR TOY
A LITERARY FIGURE

Your results, after the jump...

Now, in order to make sure your rant was both (1) current; and (2) something Julia might actually rant about, I took advantage of last night's episode of The Bachelorette and asked myself what Julia would have to say about that little nightmare. The answer follows.

Your Designing Women Rant

I would rather spend two hours sharing [AN APPETIZER] with [A FAMOUS CRIMINAL] than watch a woman who apparently purchased her intellect at [AN INEXPENSIVE RETAILER] for [A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY] chase twenty-five men with biceps made of [A METAL] and heads packed with [A BREAKFAST CEREAL].

Because when future generations look upon what we have left for them, which may by then be little more than [AN ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEM] and millions of non-biodegradable [POPULAR GADGET]s, I fear they will conclude that they would have welcomed bread and circuses if only they had realized the alternative was [A JUNK FOOD] and [A REALITY SHOW].

[sits down and crosses arms, but then immediately stands back up]

And let me tell you a little something about romance: Handing out roses like you are a mascot throwing [A KIND OF CANDY] to the assembled hooligans at a [SPORTING EVENT] is not my idea of romance. Romance is a man who knows the difference between [HISTORICAL FIGURE NAMED "JOHN"] and [CELEBRITY NAMED "JOHN"] and who is capable of putting on [AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING] without scratching his head as if he is connecting a [HOME ELECTRONICS COMPONENT] without the instruction manual.

So do not ask yourself why I do not particularly enjoy a television show where the assembled male candidates represent romantic prospects inferior to the workers on the night shift at the [CHAIN RESTAURANT] in [CITY IN THE SOUTHERN U.S.]. Ask yourself whether, after a lifetime playing with a cultural [A POPULAR TOY] and dancing on the grave of [A LITERARY FIGURE], you will ever...recover...your dignity.