by Linda Holmes

While watching the above clip of Tom Hanks on The Daily Show, I was appalled -- appalled -- to hear Hanks admit that there is no such thing as a Harvard professor of symbology, the credential boasted by his character, Robert Langdon, in Angels And Demons.

This was very disillusioning, and forced me to abandon my twenty-year plan to become a Harvard symbologist, which I believed was on track when I correctly figured out that on Survivor, fire represents life.

Tom Hanks in 'Angels and Demons' Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon: Not actually a Harvard symbologist. Sony/Columbia
 

But as I considered the matter further, I realized that giving a character a credential of some kind is a good way to make him believable and worth listening to. Perhaps the problem with some characters who are not taken seriously is that their resumés have not been fleshed out.

I am, as always, here to help. Thus, the following movie characters are hereby granted completely bogus credentials that will make it easier for them to get the respect they deserve.

M'lynn Eatenton (Sally Field), Steel Magnolias: Bh.D (Boo Hoo Doctor)

John McClane (Bruce Willis), Die Hard: International Punch To The Baccalaureate

Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker), Fast & Furious: Bachelor's, vroom-vroom-vroom-a cum laude

Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), Scream: Distinguished Lecturer, BOO!logy

Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage), National Treasure: Professor Of Abuse Of Actual Background In Cryptology

Elliott Moore (Mark Wahlberg), The Happening: Susurrarborologist (Tree Whisperer)

Connor Mead (Matthew McConaughey), Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past: [took all classes pass/fail]

Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex And The City: Visiting Professor Of Tutu Thermodynamics

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), Twilight: Master's Degree, Pale-ontology (alternate title: Pallid-ictorian)

Jack Travin (Keanu Reeves), Speed: Adjunct Professor, Department Of Relief, Division Of There Was No Baby, It Was Full Of Cans

categories: Movies

3:00 - May 14, 2009

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