by Linda Holmes
That, up there, is one Constantine Maroulis, doing one of my least favorite performances in the history of American Idol, back in April 2005.
I found this preposterous slow-jam "My Funny Valentine" so grotesque that I vented about it in an e-mail I have pulled from the dustbin of history (which was addressed to my pal, Stephen Thompson, editor of the Webby-award-winning NPR Music, who had earlier randomly subject-lined an e-mail to me, "Let's Rock This Thing: A Personal Message From Constantine Maroulis"):
Well. What's interesting about that "interesting" arrangement of "My Funny Valentine" is that it reminds me eerily of the way "The Christmas Song" (chestnuts roasting and all that) was performed by Hootie and the Blowfish on "A Very Special Christmas 3." I just can't tolerate his appallingly phony performance style. It's ridiculous to the point of being comical and totally distracting. "Not if you care for me-ah!" Furthermore, it is once again a destruction of a perfectly perfect melody that *does not need help*, thank you very much.
In a development to be filed under "Shows You What I Know," Constantine Maroulis has now been nominated for a Tony for Best Performance By A Leading Actor In A Musical for his work in Rock Of Ages. Let's rock this thing!
You know how you would feel if you woke up tomorrow and the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction had been given to, say, the guy who does the Shamwow infomercials? That's how I feel today.
Among the other big winners in the nominee derby: musicals Billy Elliott and Shrek, and the play God Of Carnage and its entire cast, including James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Marcia Gay Harden and Hope Davis.
But not Ryan Seacrest. Yet.